Searching..... Searching..... Searching.....

I spent the day at Bridgette's today. She had to find the title to a truck they are trying to sell. Since she is so busy she multitasks with sleep, (meaning she gets very little), I offered to help.

We went through so many boxes of mail waiting to be filed, shredded, or just thrown away. Once upon a time she was very organized, but kids and school and garden and house and not enough hours in the day have caught up with her. We never did find the title while I was there. But we had a good time talking and sharing things in our hearts. I got to do a little "bonding" with my daughter today.

I took Bobby with me because I am just not comfortable leaving him home alone all day. He drove me nuts. Every so often he would come and "casually" remind me it was Tuesday and we need to go to Bi-Mart... Or ask when we were going to eat next... Or when are we going to go home... or he's excited cause he is going to earn enough points soon to be able to make another trip to Toys R Us. (He earns points by doing chores). I finally told him I was going to dock him some points if he didn't stop bugging me.

He stopped... sorta.

On the way home I kinda lost it at him. I didn't yell or anything, just let him know I was tired and really didn't want to hear about it any more.

So now he's having a bad day....

Kinda reminds me of a certain 5-yr-old grand daughter.

After we got home I told him he really needs to learn to start thinking of others. I was trying to help his sister and all I ended up feeling was frustration and annoyance at him.

More 5-year-old attitude...

But I have to give him credit. He didn't melt down... He didn't even fully cry...

And about an hour later he came to me and sorta apologized.

All is forgiven, it was a long time ago. I guess sometimes I just wish I had a 21-yr-old son and not a forever 5-yr-old.

Bridgette sent me a text. She found the title. Quite an astounding place where she found it too...

In the file cabinet, in a file folder. It never occurred to me to look there....

For someone who just took a vacation, I think I need to do it again.

Oh well.... I'm going back on Friday to help her find that wonderfully organized daughter I once knew before the children, and classes, and garden, and lack of sleep and time took her away.

I'm pretty confident we will find her, or at least catch a glimpse. And this time Bobby gets to stay home....

PS... they sold the truck!!

Silly Mom

This lack of a brain is starting to get to me.

I think the main problem is that I am forgetting to eat. After 20 hours of not replenishing the supplies, the brain will get rather foggy.

I forgot my phone today..... I actually left the house without it and didn't even realize it until I wanted to use it. My phone is always nearby.....

I miss turns while driving....

I'm saying really stupid things..... half sentences.

I'm forgetting to eat.... I really don't want to eat.... perfectly happy drifting off into lala land.....

Except I really need to function.

My kids are laughing at me. Silly mom.

The funny thing about all this...... the Montana Mountain Man is having the same problem. :-)

???????????????????

Hmmmmm, maybe I've been away too long and I lost everyone :-(

Does anyone read this anymore???

Please comment if you do.

This Time I'm Leading.....

I really need to do a better job at remembering what it is that I think I want to write about. I'm suffering from a major case of blank brain syndrome..... focus is becoming rather difficult.

The weather has been nice this summer. Not too hot. Even during my last trip to Montana. We got back last Friday. Mom keeps telling me it is unusual for the roadsides to be so green. I've been there 3 times over the last year or so, and each time she has said that to me.

Maybe I'm a good luck charm?

I think I may go back again really soon.... I think I may have left something behind.

But if I go back, the rest of it may find a new home there too....

Why is life.... and matters of the heart..... so complicated???

And why is it the Montana Mountain Man doesn't frighten me anymore????

I ordered a movie on Netflix when I left so it would be here when we got back. It was recommended by two different friends. It is called "Fireproof" and it a fantastic movie! I watched it the day after we returned. A few days later I was in church and my bishop's wife was teaching the Relief Society lesson. She mentioned having watched "Fireproof" on tv the night before and recommended it too... A lot of women in the room chimed in what a good movie it was. It is about love, marriage, and putting God right smack dab in the middle of it all. It presents an idea, a challenge... A Love Dare... I would like to quote a part of it:

"If you accept this dare, you must take the view that instead of following your heart, you are choosing to lead it. The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is. The Bible says that “the heart is deceitful above all things,” and it will pursue that which feels right at the moment.

We dare you to think differently, and to choose to lead your heart toward that which is best in the long run. This is a key to lasting, fulfilling relationships.

That movie, and the Love Dare, has left me pondering. I have followed my heart before.... and it left me shattered. I'd been afraid to open my heart back up, afraid it would happen again. It never occurred to me that the problem wasn't my heart, it was that I was allowing it to lead me instead of me lead it. Love is a decision.... not an accident. I don't need to be afraid of it anymore.

I think I have been doing this all along this last time and didn't realize it. I've been guiding my heart and taking my time. No falling this time, just a gentle glide towards something and someone that is really good.

No..... he doesn't frighten me anymore.

(see 11/24/10, "Crashes.... Bears... & Flirts...")

Am I Still Here?

I've tried so many times to get something written here.

I keep failing.

That is how I am feeling now, a failure.

I'm getting scared. I need to find something to replace the alimony which ends next May. I am at a loss as to what to do.... What I CAN do....

I stress over the smallest things... Life frightens me.... I really need to get over this.

I divorced 2 and a half years ago. I was told to wait 2 years before I considered entering into another relationship. That was easy, no one was interested.

There is still no one interested. I have yet to go out on a single date.

I am feeling like a failure on so many levels.

I am reaping the consequences of past decisions. I chose to marry young, without getting a college degree. I started my family right away, because that is what I wanted. I raised my children alone, because their dad turned out to be irresponsible, abusive, unfaithful.

I found out about a job today that can be done from home... but I don't qualify.... I need a college degree. I don't have one. I tried once, after my first marriage failed, but after the first year I collapsed, at the school. That was when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It took me 3 weeks to be able to get out of bed. The doctor told me to reduce the stress in my life....

How does a single mother with 6 children, the youngest being autistic, reduce the stress in her life?

My situation is different now. My children are all grown... well, mostly grown. Bobby is back with me, he will always be dependent on someone I think. That is okay, he is not difficult for me, just changes my schedule.

I am pleased how my children turned out. They are taking care of themselves. They are raising their own families.

Yet I am still very stressed. My muscles in my neck are so tight they are beginning to cause me big problems. Headaches, I have difficulty with my right arm. It hurts all the time. It wakes me up at night, throbbing. My chiropractor feels it will heal.... if I can get me to stop stressing so much....... I don't know how....

I feel like I am still carrying the world on my shoulders.

There was a time I went to Scotland all by myself. I drove 600 miles on the "wrong" side of the road. I stayed in youth hostles because they were cheaper than a hotel. I did it and I wasn't scared.

Now I'm scared of everything. I have to force myself to drive, and am very relieved when someone else offers. Mostly I pretend I'm not scared, then I get through it ok. Well, sorta... at least I get through it.

I think I lost a part of myself in my second divorce. The constant rejection... The lies... He has since apologized many, many times. I know he means it, yet I wonder if he really comprehends the hell I went through...

This is not depression.... this is over the top anxiety.... Depression focuses on the past... Anxiety, the future.... my problem definitely focuses on an uncertain future.

I've tried counseling. I ended up just getting irritated at the counselor. She kept saying I was being what I wasn't. I've done enough of it to know the ropes. To know when something is helping or just making it worse. She didn't help. I have gotten better, but because of the Lord, not the counselor.

I've raised my family... they turned out well....sometimes I wonder if I need someone to reach back and finally raise me.

or at least want me......

Ok, I admit it.... this is bad hormone week.....