Decisions.... Packing.... Moving Forward....

I started packing last night... I am doing this on faith...

Danny finally got his application for a Montana Pharmacy Tech license in the mail yesterday. He will begin to apply online for jobs today.

We talked and decided to move forward, with the idea that we will be moving soon. There are a lot of things to be organized. The garage has become such a mess, and there are many boxes that are only partially full now. You know how it goes, you don't want everything in the box, just that one or two items. So you take what you need and leave the rest. There are many boxes that fit that scenario.

It looks like we will need a 20 foot truck. There should be some room left over, but for $50 extra I would rather have some space to spare rather than not enough room.

There is still the issue of the car. I really don't want to tow a car behind the truck..... One thing at a time.

It amazes me how I have shifted. A year ago I was frightened in Montana. I can't really explain why, but just being there scared me. I felt exposed, vulnerable, displaced. And all I was really doing was visiting my mom.

Today I long to be there. I no longer feel like I am home here. A part of me is missing... I left it at the foot of the Rocky mountains with a big, lovable, Mountain Man.

Cracking Open a New Book....

My life is changing in so many wonderful ways. I said that already didn't I?

My Montana Mountain Man has turned out to be a treasure to hold sacred my tender heart. I really didn't realize what it meant to say a man was emotionally available until I found myself in a relationship with a man who IS emotionally available. What a difference!

There were several tense moments. I think we had the opportunity over the last two weeks to see each other at our worse. Yet he didn't pull away from me.... new concept here. He didn't pull away when I kinda freaked over something Bobby did.... or I got sick.... or my car broke down a few days before I was supposed to leave. When I needed him... there he was. Not to say it wasn't tense at times, but he was there. He insisted on talking.... he guarded his words so he wouldn't regret what he said. He treated me like I was important to him. We drew closer.

And there were moments when he wasn't at his best either. His sewage pump stopped working and I was the one who discovered the puddle on the downstairs bathroom floor. And while he was trying to figure out how to get that repaired without costing a fortune, unexpected guests showed up and stayed several days. Right in the middle of my trip. We had to give several precious days to these guests instead.

And then there were the normal parenting of pre-teen difficulties... especially when one of them has pretty bad ADHD. That will try any parent's patience, but add the fact that he has MS, and he just has a hard time with the energy needed to cope sometimes. Yet Bobby didn't get to him.

Bobby spent part of his time with us and part of his time helping his grandparents move rocks, week, stack wood, and other chores that needed to be done to prepare for the winter. He got to know them and they got to know him. It was nice but trying at times. Bobby can say things that really push buttons. Mom and Dad were troopers.....

I would pull in each night between 9 and 9:30, tired but happy.

Then one day I came home at 8. It had been a long, long day. It was the last Sunday I was there and we both decided to call it an extra early night. I must have had a huge smile on my face, because when my mom asked me how my day went, I just smiled and said it was really good.

"He proposed didn't he?" she asked.

There is no hiding anything from my mom!!

We are taking one thing at a time. I live in Oregon, he is in Montana. Winter is coming fast. My apartment lease isn't up til the end of May..... that's 8 long, agonizing months away!!

I can break the lease, but if Danny isn't able to find a job out there, he will have to stay here and find a smaller apartment. He really wants to move there. That was the plan before love even entered into my life.... before I stopped resisting.

I am seeking Heavenly guidance as to what to do.... My heart got filled and now it's aching for the companion I have found. We are 650 miles apart.

I have driven the distance twice so far since August. I really want to just get in the car and drive back again.... Danny says it would probably break down on me again.... He is beginning the research to decide what to trade it in for...

This is certainly a test in patience. He keeps saying to me to remember we have a goal in mind.... I know, but I want it NOW! I have been waiting my whole life to find someone to love me the way he loves me... and now I have to wait. I have been waiting my whole life to be able to love the way I am meant to love... and I can't give it yet...

I feel safe in his arms and comfort in his eyes. When he says he loves me it doesn't mean he just wants something from me.... He means he wants to give, not take.

For a full day after he proposed, we were both filled with the most wonderful peace I have ever felt. We know it's right. I feel Heavenly Father smiling. I am smiling....

Everything is different.... That's how I know it will work.

Gettting To The End of the Book and Ready to Begin a New One...

I really haven't known what to write.

My life is changing in wonderful ways and although I am not superstitious, I'm afraid to jinx it....

No, there is no jinx.

When I finally decided to get over the facial hair, I found an incredible friend in my Montana Mountain Man. What is really interesting to me is that the facial hair seems a perk to me now. I like it....

My mother laughs at me.

I didn't like kissing either of my husbands when they grew facial hair. It was prickly and I just didn't like it. My mother tried to tell me that with the right man it can be really nice... I didn't believe her.

You know what they say.... mother knows what she is talking about.

I have found an honorable man. I'm not wearing rose colored glasses, he is not perfect. But even the things that might come up as red flags are really only yellow. Each thing I see that I think might be a problem, he has already identified as something in himself he wants to change. In fact, he is already working on them, as I am working on mine.

A few months ago I was sad that I was still alone. I prayed and prayed for my Heavenly Father to help me. I did not want to meet someone online... been there... done that... not an option. I did not want to go to the singles meetings and try to meet someone there. Sorry guys, but a lot of them are also online. I just didn't want to make the same mistake again.

So I prayed that Heavenly Father would put me in the path of an honorable man. Over this past year he must have been shaking his head. I can hear it now.

"SANDY!! You already know him... Get over yourself and quit resisting!"

What a dumb thing that facial hair kept me from looking into his eyes. He has tender eyes. I look in them and his love for me reflects back. To have love back in my life... for real this time... is a truly wonderful thing.

We will not be rich... we are both disabled... He has MS and I have Fibromyalgia. But we can make it work. I see brightness in the future.

Did I mention he does not look at porn? He finds it disgusting and degrading and embarrassing. He rarely even goes on the computer or internet...With the hurts I have had, I need someone like that.

We are taking our time. We want to make sure we are fully informed about each other, and the limitations we are each taking on. But we have promised commitment to each other, and for now that is enough.

One thing I am finding I really admire is his wisdom. I get glimpses of it and I am in awe that this somewhat rough looking guy is also tender and wise. He is what I need, and I am glad I finally decided quit resisting and look at what was in front of me all along.

I guess all that counseling has finally paid off. I give the credit for that to my Heavenly Father too. Without His help, the counseling would have been a waste.

Danny and I got in the car this morning to take him to work..... We said our prayer, thankful for the car and that it has been running properly. Thankful for Danny's job. Please bless us today that this car gets us to where we need to go in safety.

I began to back out of the parking space and then we heard it..... G.R.I.N.D......

We looked at each other... the look of horror on each others faces to see. I stopped... We listened... The sound settled down. So I continued to drive. We got as far as the street, and Danny said "pull over and pop the hood please". I did.

He stood there looking at the engine. He knew that sound was familiar, but couldn't quite place it. It settled down again, so he dropped the hood and we drove off again.

We got to the end of our street, and pulled onto Beaverton/Hillsdale Hwy.

G.R.I.N.D again.

"Pull over again", so I pulled into the Target parking lot. It was just about 7am. We listened again, and it was familiar to me too.

"That sounds like Bridgette's van. Her power steering is having problems".

Danny smiled, "I knew that sounded familiar." He checked the power steering fluid. First he had to find it, but being that it clearly says "power steering, do not overfill" on the cap, it was easy to find.

The reservoir was low, just below the low mark. We smiled. There is a gas station on Canyon, just two blocks away. They will be open and we can get some fluid.

I drove carefully to the gas station. Danny was able to purchase a quart of power steering fluid for $5. A bit pricey, but so much cheaper than a new power steering unit. He put the fluid in to the full mark. I drove away, and no more G.R.I.N.D....... just a nice, quiet purr.

Thank you Lord, for blessing us today. Thank you for protecting this car that we need to continue to run. Thank you for making sure we were able to "correct" before a major repair would be needed. Thank you for having this happen today, when I am leaving in two days for Montana. Thank you Lord, for keeping us safe. For how mindful of us you truly are.

Life Can Be Good....

There have been so many changes in me over the last year. Some of them have been recorded here. I wish I had been better at keeping track of myself, but life happens whether I pay attention or not. My life is good right now. Not that all is going smoothly, but I am not having panic attacks over what isn't.

I haven't panicked that my second husband lost his job. He is still paying me alimony that I am sorely in need of. No money from him this month.

I haven't panicked that my first husband is having health issues and will be out of commission for probably 4 months. I doubt there will be any money from him for those months.

I haven't panicked that the shocks are about as bad as they can get on the car and is costing almost $200 to repair... just for parts. Danny will be installing them when they arrive, which is supposed to be tomorrow.

I haven't panicked and God has been good to me, I think because I have been using faith instead of fear.

I finished filling out the application to become a "Domestic Employee". That means I can get paid to do what I already do in taking care of Bobby. This is going to be nice, as there are times that taking care of him are .... well..... difficult. Difficult is the right word, right Bridgette? And as listed above, the income is sorely needed.

I love Bobby, don't ever doubt that. But sometimes he is insatiable. He wants and he wants and he wants. I'm really not sure he understands others have needs too. Oh well. That's Bobby.

I also got my fingerprinting done, to be sent in with the application. That way I don't have to wait until they ask for it and hopefully cut off some time waiting for approval. I did a fingerprinting a few months ago for DHS childcare, but ended up not doing the job. But they cannot share background checks, so I had to do it again. My pinky finger on my left hand did not want to co-operate, so I hope the fingerprints are accepted. She tried 7 or 8 times, but my hand was just too dry. I'm sending a prayer along with the package that I don't have to do it again.

I'm heading back to Montana in a few days. Yep, you read that right. Remember when I said I think I left something behind? I did, and there is something there waiting for me to claim in return. I am driving again, but this time Danny is not going with me. I have asked a friend to ride along, as I really am not comfortable going alone. It is a 12 hour drive. Bobby is going with me, but he really doesn't count.

The plan was to leave on Monday, but with the shocks coming tomorrow or Wednesday, and my mom really doesn't want me to be on the road during Labor Day Weekend, we will probably be leaving Friday. Yea, I know, the beginning of the weekend. But most people are still working Friday. Monday is the day everyone has off.

I've arranged for a ride to work for Danny on Monday. He has to work on Labor Day, and the buses are not running til later in the morning. I feel kinda guilty that he is having to ride the bus for the time I am gone, but he has done it before. I do need to let go of that one.

Wish me well.... this trip is an important one.

I think there are more changes in store for the future....