Why Am I An Ex-Wife?

According to a 2008 statistic sited in Wikipedia, 40% of all marriages in the USA end in divorce, and 46% of all marriages involve someone who was previously married. I fit in both those stats.

I have been thinking about writing about how and why I ended up a divorced Mormon. As a general rule, the Church encourages marriages and tries to work with their members in order to avoid divorce. There are counseling services, including marriage counseling, at our disposal. Unfortunately, more and more marriages are struggling and sometimes divorce is really the only solution.

After over two years of marriage counseling, individual counseling, co-dependency support groups and long talks with my bishop, I realized divorce was really the only sane solution left for me.

I wrote when I first started this blog that my husbands were unfaithful. As is often the case, I married twice to men who had the same core problem. They were both sex addicts. There has been no confession or acknowledgment from my first husband that he was either unfaithful or a sex addict, but the signs were there. Flashing neon bright now that I know what to look for. My second husband did confess to both and is now struggling to overcome his addiction. Because he played me for so long, he is doing it alone. I lost all trust of him and doubt it could ever be restored.

I did not realize at the time I married either man that sex addiction was an issue, although I did know my second husband had previously been unfaithful to his second wife. I was the third wife. I believed him when he told me his story, that she drove him out. I believe a different story now. I just knew I would be the best wife possible, so there would be no reason for him to cheat... Reading Robin Norwood's book "Women Who Love Too Much" really opened my eyes on that one. I was a classic Woman who believed she could "fix" the man, and create for him an environment where he could reach his full potential. Now I know that is a bunch of bunk.

But getting back to my core... Why was I attracted to that kind of man? The answer goes back to my childhood. I was attracted to a sex addict because my father was a sex addict and that was all I knew. From my earliest memories my dad was a "dirty old man" as he would jokingly call himself. He really was too, it was no joke. It was sick and pathetic. He would refer to his three daughters as his "white slaves". I was the middle daughter. I was actually trauma bonded to my dad and it took a whole lot of therapy to break that bond.

We weren't always Mormon. My uncle (Mom's brother)was a member and he had tried several times to talk to my parents. They kept refusing. The summer I was 14 we were visiting him and he invited us kids to church. I was wanting a church and had actually been going with various friends when opportunities allowed. I was happy to be invited, and the moment I walked into the chapel, I felt like I was home. It was the most wonderful feeling I had ever had. So when we went back to his house after church, my brother and I begged our parents to let us continue to go to that church back at home. They started taking the missionary discussions and eventually we were all baptized. I was so happy, I felt so clean.

I think my dad joined because it gave him access to lots of children. Years later, when my memories started to surface, it was discovered that a cult had molested a lot of the children in our ward, and my dad seemed to be the link between the ward and the cult. By this time my dad had passed away, so there was no confronting him directly. Other significant cult members were also dead. I do not want to go into any detail here, but there was significantly horrible things that went on because of that cult. I spent a whole lot of time in therapy over that subject alone.

Growing up with a sex-addicted, violent dad introduced me to a warped way of looking at life, at relationships and at myself. I was conditioned to believe my only purpose in life was to please a male. I had no right to say no. All a guy had to do was to make his move and I would give no resistance. I didn't know how or that I could. I would actually dissociate so deeply that I had no conscience memory of what had happened when it was over. I felt bad, but I didn't understand why. I thought I was just a bad person. I did not own my will or my body. I really didn't, Dad did. When dad said "jump", we literally, not figuratively, had to ask "how high?"

With this conditioning, it is easier to understand why I would choose to marry a man who was like my dad. My first husband was also physically abusive to our children, and according to several of their memories, also a pedophile. He was never formally accused, there have been no court cases.

When my second husband came home that fateful day, and confessed to me of his porn addiction first, then his affair, I was devastated. I thought I had done so much work on me that I would never have married back into that again. That was in 2006 and I began therapy in 1990. I wasn't in constant therapy during that time, but had probably 6 year's worth spread out over that period.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. I had struggled with suicidal thoughts before and they came flooding back to me. I had struggled with self-destructive behavior before and that came flooding back to me too. I was a mess. My husband was distant and non-committal. He would say he really didn't care what I did, stay or go, or he could stay or go. He continued to be emotionally abusive, he even triggered flash-backs in me. I was terrified of being alone, so I took it. I just couldn't leave.

My counselor told me I had to get to an emotional place where I would be okay if he left. She asked me what I would do if he came home and told me he was leaving... I said I would throw up - yep, eating disorder was kicking right in. I lost 20 lbs really fast, eating the equivalence to one meal in a span of about a week. I couldn't eat, didn't sleep, cried a whole lot, and did my best to pray through those months.

Through the help of co-dependency support groups and counseling and mostly the Lord, I was able to get strong enough to finally say no more. It took 2 years from the time he first confessed for us to separate, but because of finances, we remained in the same house. He had actually had two affairs, one physical, one emotional. The physical one ended, but the emotional one continued through his lies. When she finally broke up with him two years later, he told me about it and I said enough. He got the living room, I kept the bedroom. Six months later I was able to move in with my oldest son and his wife, and a year later I moved to Oregon.

I was once asked what the hardest part of it all was. Hands down it was the lies. He would look me straight in the face and lie in such a way that he was crazymaking me. He accused me of being paranoid, of having no reason not to trust him. All he did was lie to me. I caught a lot of his lies by installing a program on his computer that took pictures of what he looked at every 5 seconds. He knew the program was on his machine, and I even told him what it did, but he just didn't get it. Or he forgot. At one point it quit working for a day, and I never bothered to let him know it started working again. Anyway, I never want to see another porn scene again. It was awful. With the Lord's help I have been able to block those horrid memories from my active thoughts. I also saw the disgusting conversations he had with women who should know better. Women who were in worse shape than I was emotionally, that they would degrade themselves to that level.

I am grateful to be out of that marriage. I am grateful to my children and extended family, for their support and in some cases, a place to live. I am grateful to the Lord, for helping me to not just get out of a bad situation, but to learn, grow and heal through the process. My counselor, when doing my exit interview, assured me she felt I had addressed the issues that attracted me to that kind of man. I believe she is right.

Right now, I am in no hurry to be in a relationship. I would like some male friends, to talk to or hang out with sometimes. Nothing deep or committed. My counselor strongly urged me to give it two years before I considered a relationship again. I'm not sure when the two years started, but my divorce was almost a year ago. May 20th is the magic date. Mother's Day is the two year mark from when we separated, and November 15th of this year will be the two year mark from when I moved out. It doesn't really matter. I guess I'll know when I am ready, I just know it isn't now.

So, the reason I am a Mormon ex-wife is because I had a whole lot of issues relating to relationships and being attracted to a sex-addict. It doesn't matter what religion you are, these issues and problems are in all religions. I had to get those issues resolved before I could move past it.

Someday a righteous man will come my way. I believe in the Lord's timing, so I believe it will happen when I am ready. Until then, I am happy where I am at.

A Good Day.

What is it that makes a day good? Is it the things that happen around me or is it my attitude towards the things that go on around me?

Today didn't start out much different from any other day in recent history. I am still staying at Tiffany's very little apartment during the week because my car is acting up and I don't trust it to not completely break down in the middle of rush hour traffic on the freeway. It is something in the fuel line. Even though I replaced the fuel filter less than a year ago, I have been told it could be that or some other part of the line. Whatever it is, it needs to be fixed before I will be comfortable driving it around again.

The car actually belongs to my middle son, he bought it because my husband-at-the-time (we will call him "D" from now on) drove my beautiful 1994 Plymouth Grand Voyager mini-van into the ground and I was without wheels. I paid a fortune to replace the transmission and then a bunch of other things fell apart, so I called it quits on my long, up to then faithful friend. It was so hard letting go. I bought it shortly after I became a single parent and it was the first time I financed a vehicle totally on my own. That van meant a lot to me... perseverance, commitment, determination, and independence. I took good care of it and it ran beautifully until "D" started driving it. He is really hard on vehicles, and my poor van was only able to hang on for a few more years. Yes, it was old, would be 16 now, but I firmly believe it would still be going had I been the only driver. I certainly wouldn't have destroyed the transmission to a pile of broken metal parts.

Anyway, my son, Danny, does not have his driver's license but he did have some money for a down payment. Danny had two objectives in buying a car... 1-make sure mom had a way to get around and 2-make sure he had a way to get to where he wanted to go. So Danny pays for the car and I drive it, and when he needs to get somewhere, I take him. I feel very blessed to have this arrangement right now, because I don't have enough income to handle car payments. Anyway, I have paid for pretty much every repair the car has needed. I'm still not sure who will pay for this repair, the family thinks it should be Danny this time. Presently it is parked at my house, I got it there last night, and I am waiting to hear what Danny has decided to do.

What does this all have with having a good day? I guess I was thinking about it because despite this rather large crimp in my life, I am happy. If I don't let it get me down, I can stay happy.

My heart is happy. I have 6 beautiful and very different from each other children. I have a basket FULL of grand children. I am back in Oregon, I love the Pacific Northwest. I feel like my life is falling into place. I have many reasons to be happy.

Did I mention I have had a migraine trying to grab a hold of my head for the past week. It was awful last week, then I saw my chiropractor on Saturday and after the adjustment I felt a whole lot better. But I need another adjustment, which is happening on Saturday again. But I'm still happy.... just don't make any loud noises please.

Welcome. . . .

Be forewarned. . . . I enjoy writing . . . . this should become obvious as you see the long posts. I have a lot to say, and it might even be worth reading. . . . at least I think so. I need to write, I need to figure out me.

My name is Sandy Winchester. This is my maiden name, which I took back after my second divorce. I have 6 children from my first marriage and thankfully none from my second. That made the divorce easier, if ever you could call a divorce easy.

Despite being twice divorced, I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. This is because I have done a lot of work on me. I also want to make it clear that although I am a divorced Mormon, I am still an active member in full fellowship. I love the Lord with all my heart and I have a testimony of the Bible, Book or Mormon, the Priesthood, and modern Prophets.

When I was a kid I used to imagine what my life would be like when I grew up. . . . who didn't? I thought by the time I reached the half century mark I would be happy in a long-term marriage. I would live in a large, well maintained house and my husband would insist on providing me with housekeeping services. The yard would have mature fruit trees, nut trees, berry patches, and a nice garden plot. The mortgage would have been paid off already, and a nice nest egg of savings and investments would give us the security to be able to start planning for retirement. My car would be well maintained, completely taken care of by my husband so I didn't have to worry about anything. Whether it be tires or spark plugs, he would always make sure I was safe and secure on my errands. Finally, we would both have our health and would be active, whether it be in the yard and garden or spending the day at the zoo with the grandkids.

My husband would love me and allow me to treat him with love and devotion. We would have grown together, yet kept our individuality. There would be compete trust, absolutely no question on both our parts as to the fidelity of the other. Most of all, we would have had a home that nurtured the presence of the Holy Spirit of God. We would have chosen to love the Lord first, so everything else that was important would have naturally fallen into place.

This was my dream. Reality hardly resembles the dream. As I find myself approaching the ominous 5-0, I have been thinking of where my life has been and where it seems to be going. Like I said, I have been twice married and twice divorced. My first marriage was in the Idaho Falls Temple. It lasted 17-1/2 years, with an additional 5-1/2 years of being legally separated. All together that marriage was 23 years. The second marriage was only 7 years. Both marriages ended for the same reason. Infidelity.

I have yet to experience a faithful husband. I discovered as my second marriage was falling apart, that I was attracted to a sex-addict. Without understanding what I was doing, I made the choices to be married to men who were capable of cheating. Not that I liked it, but it was familiar. . . . Dad was a sex-addict and he cheated on Mom. So I had a lot of work to do on me. In doing this work I discovered that I am responsible for all the problems I have had in my adult life. I may not have created the problem myself, but I made choices that put me in those places. A wonderful thing happened to me as I came to this realization. . . . I was freed! I was no longer a victim; I could choose to change my life. A choice could get me into trouble; another could get me out. AND. . . . it's okay to change my choices!

Age has never really been an issue for me before now. I was born in 1960, which means I will be turning 50 this year. For the first time in my life, my age has weighed on my mind. I'm alone again and I really don't like it. But even more so, I have little to no trust in a new relationship. I worked with my second husband for over two years after he confessed his infidelity, believing his lies that he wanted to change and be faithful to me, and now, well, I already had trust issues before, now they are as big as Mt. Everest. Lies can do so much damage.

As I stated at the beginning, I would like to figure me out. It's not that I don't know me, I just have reached a time that I am a little more free to spend time on me. All my children are out of the house and I'm alone.

My interests are many and I am sure I will touch on them throughout this blog. I enjoy crafts of many kinds, cooking, nutrition, food storage, reading, gardening and I walk a mile or so on most days. I have 9 living grandchildren, we lost a twin boy two years ago. My youngest child, now age 20, has autism. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in 1990, fibromyalgia in 1997 and spinal arthritis in 2002. Tired of being sick, I got my certificate in holistic nutrition in 2007 so I could take charge of my own health.

This is my story: About twenty years ago I started developing health concerns that drove me to seek the help of a medical doctor. Through the process I was given prescription drugs to relieve the symptoms, then more drugs to relieve the side effects of the first batch of prescriptions. After just a few years I was taking quite a number of prescription drugs several times a day. And still getting sicker. During that time I divorced my first husband, and met and married my second husband. Then in 2002, as a newlywed, I moved from Oregon to Arizona and again sought out medical help. This time the doctor, quite arrogantly, informed me that I really had no options. Knowing I had the diagnosis of fibromyalgia, he said to me "You have fibromyalgia, no one knows what causes it, there is no cure. You are just going to have to learn to live with it!"

My response was to get mad. I had already begun to investigate the possibility that nutrition might be the key to regaining my health. I informed him I believed he was wrong and that I believed the key was in nutrition. He rebuffed with with a sarcastic remark and I left. I never went back to that doctor.

This experience fueled my desire to learn more about nutrition. I began with an "allopathic" approach, which means Western ways. I soon realized this really wouldn't help me, so I took a course in holistic nutrition and got my certificate as a Nutritional Consultant. I learned about my body and through trial and error got off all prescription medications. That took a few years to accomplish. My health has improved a lot, but I still have more to go. My youngest daughter commented to me just this last weekend that she doesn't remember me ever being as active as I am now. She kept saying she was amazed to see me being able to go into Costco and not be ready to collapse after just a few minutes. I lasted a good hour in the store and was still okay. She said she doesn't remember me ever not being tired all the time, and she is 22 years old.

I am also gluten intolerant, so this will be a part of this blog too. I believe this was caused by the prescription drugs, that they damaged my digestive system. Before this time I did not react to wheat or gluten, but now I can't eat it at all. It took me four years and a whole lot of pain for me to finally get it that wheat was bad for me.

I hope you come back often, and I welcome your kind comments and suggestions. I am a work in progress, and I hope to learn a lot along the way. I am completely intimidated by technology, so it will take some time for me to figure out all the bells and whistles of posting a blog.