I'm a grandma now and I love being a grandma.

I've been a grandma for over 8 years.

I've been a mom for over 30.

I guess it's that part that is getting to me.

I was 19 when Michelle was born. I'm 49 now. What happened to all those years? She was a baby.... then a toddler.... the first to go to school...

I remember putting her on the school bus that first day. Other mothers told me how it tore at their hearts, it was so hard to see the first one go off to school... NOT ME... I was thrilled to see her happy, excited, ready to take on the world. I didn't cry.

I kept having babies... Next came Bridgette... She didn't like me, didn't want to be held. Independent from day one... I couldn't get any cuddles from her til she learned to walk - at 9 months. Then she was happy, she could get around, so she let me hold her.

Chris was my first boy. Full of red hair. It's thinning now, but he still has red hair. I took him with me to put Michelle on the bus, just a year and a half old. Their dad must have been home because there was no way I would have left Bridgette alone. On the way back to the house we walked around a mud puddle. Chris was wearing his little cowboy boots.... How he loved those boots!! We passed the puddle... he stopped... I could tell he was thinking REALLY HARD... then he let go of my had and beelined back to the puddle... STOMP!! STOMP!! STOMP!! Then back to me, took my hand and continued walking as if nothing had happened. That was when I KNEW he was a boy!

Danny... Danny was difficult... He talked really slow and it drove me nuts... I've made a lot of apologies to Danny for my impatience with him.... He forgives me.

Tiffany... bouncy... Tigger... Tiffany. She had another nick-name too, but I'm not allowed to tell it....

Finally Bobby. My baby that will never fully grow up. We learned he had autism at 2-1/2 years old. My heart broke... My husband didn't deal.... The sliding marriage took a deep dive from here.

I will be 50 in a few months. Age has never been an issue for me. I turned 30 and it was no big deal. Like putting Michelle on the bus, I was happy for the coming adventure. I turned 40, alone, not yet divorced, but doing fine. It was just a number.

Why is this one bothering me so badly? I'm alone again. I gave those good years away... Twice... To two men who didn't want to hang on... who chose addictions over their family.

Forgive me, I guess I'm feeling a bit down. Big change over yesterday. Somewhere inside the happiness is still there, it's just hiding right now, it's just gotten a little wet.

... Less than an hour later...

I'm feeling lots better now, I guess I just needed to do a wee little bit of talking it out...

I went online and found a recipe for gluten-free cornbread. Can't wait to make it, I have all the ingredients but the lard... I don't use shortening because it is hydrogenated and that is a BAD oil. The recipe says to not use butter, so I have to get some lard before I can make this. Or find another recipe...

Tiffany

This is my beautiful daughter Tiffany. I've been writing about her, so I thought I ought to let you see her too, now that I've grown enough brain cells to figure out how to get a picture on here.

She has declined permission to put Alison and Chloe's pictures on too, so for now just imagine two beautiful little girls, in the reflection of their mommy.

This is ME!!

I did it!

I put a face to the words.

This is ME!!!

No Court Today...

Child Support...

I needed it.... I didn't get it for a decade.

The court ruled in my favor, the assignment for both spousal and child support was issued, but it wasn't paid.

I raised and supported my children - all 6 of them - through some really lean times. The oldest was 16, the youngest 6. Every once in a while a garnishment would go through and I would get a little check of $100 or $200. Every once in a while meant several months or years between payments. I always treated it as a bonus, a special treat for the kids, since we couldn't count on it. Once I used it to buy a year's membership at the zoo. Portland, Oregon has a fantastic zoo. That was fun.

I didn't get the money, but it continue to accrue. For a few years it grew as did the 9% interest. But then the state gave up on trying to collect and zeroed out my account. UGH!!!!

I had to find out how to reverse that action, I kept running into brick walls. I couldn't even get the case reopened. In the meantime, I was getting sicker and sicker from the stress of raising 6 children alone, one of which is autistic.

I prayed for help... if you have ever had to work with a government agency to get something set right, you will know the necessity of this.

My prayer was answered at long last and I was able to get the proper form sent to me to get the case moving forward again. With this form I petitioned the state to add back the years of accrued support that were taken off the books. He fought it, but I won.

Then I learned that the interest isn't added unless I petition for it, even though it is plainly stated in the divorce decree that 9% simple interest is to be added on any past due amounts. So I petitioned to get the decade plus of interest on the books. It came to something like $86,000! I won that one last year. It is accruing close to $1000 a month interest alone at this time! It was and is important to me to have the correct amounts on the books, even if I never get it. I hope to get it though.

A few years ago my ex was finally located and forced to start paying a token amount. He was not consistent, so he was put on probation a year ago. The minimal amount was doubled, which still does not cover the monthly amount. He faithfully paid for a few months, then he defaulted again. This time it was a probation violation. A court date was set.

This is where I got the call last week from the D.A.'s office that I needed to come to court and testify against my ex-husband. My three daughters agreed (with reservation) to testify too. We were nervously preparing to go, when God saw fit to smile on us again...

I got a phone call yesterday afternoon from the D.A.'s office. She was reviewing the record and saw that he did pay support since his last court date in December. He made a double payment on Dec 18th, then a single payment on Dec 28th. I know he thought the second Dec payment would show up in Jan, but it didn't. No payment is showing in Jan, but he made another double payment last week (Feb). Because he was actually showing some effort, she wanted to hold off on bringing me in to testify and instead ask for a continuance on what was already in place, assuming he will continue to pay at least a single payment each month.

I told her I believed he did want to make the payments now. He has told both Michelle and Tiffany that he wants to comply. For the first time since all this started, since he abandoned us so long ago, I felt compassion for him. I believe he is sincere. I never thought I would ever feel that for him.

I have prayed to have my hard feelings softened. I don't intend to lessen the financial obligation, it is rightfully owed to me, and I need it. Those years of stress have taken a tole on my health and I am not able to sustain a job now. Believe me, I've tried. I am permanently disabled according to SSA. But I don't like the bitterness that is trying to take hold in my heart towards him. There were so many hurts. I don't want them. The Lord has promised through his incredible Atonement that those hurts can be taken from me. I want that blessing. I continue to pray and I feel the blessings of those prayers starting to take root inside me.

I guess the next step is for me to pray for him... and mean it.

A Good Day.

What is it that makes a day good? Is it the things that happen around me or is it my attitude towards the things that go on around me?

Today didn't start out much different from any other day in recent history. I am still staying at Tiffany's very little apartment during the week because my car is acting up and I don't trust it to not completely break down in the middle of rush hour traffic on the freeway. It is something in the fuel line. Even though I replaced the fuel filter less than a year ago, I have been told it could be that or some other part of the line. Whatever it is, it needs to be fixed before I will be comfortable driving it around again.

The car actually belongs to my middle son, he bought it because my husband-at-the-time (we will call him "D" from now on) drove my beautiful 1994 Plymouth Grand Voyager mini-van into the ground and I was without wheels. I paid a fortune to replace the transmission and then a bunch of other things fell apart, so I called it quits on my long, up to then faithful friend. It was so hard letting go. I bought it shortly after I became a single parent and it was the first time I financed a vehicle totally on my own. That van meant a lot to me... perseverance, commitment, determination, and independence. I took good care of it and it ran beautifully until "D" started driving it. He is really hard on vehicles, and my poor van was only able to hang on for a few more years. Yes, it was old, would be 16 now, but I firmly believe it would still be going had I been the only driver. I certainly wouldn't have destroyed the transmission to a pile of broken metal parts.

Anyway, my son, Danny, does not have his driver's license but he did have some money for a down payment. Danny had two objectives in buying a car... 1-make sure mom had a way to get around and 2-make sure he had a way to get to where he wanted to go. So Danny pays for the car and I drive it, and when he needs to get somewhere, I take him. I feel very blessed to have this arrangement right now, because I don't have enough income to handle car payments. Anyway, I have paid for pretty much every repair the car has needed. I'm still not sure who will pay for this repair, the family thinks it should be Danny this time. Presently it is parked at my house, I got it there last night, and I am waiting to hear what Danny has decided to do.

What does this all have with having a good day? I guess I was thinking about it because despite this rather large crimp in my life, I am happy. If I don't let it get me down, I can stay happy.

My heart is happy. I have 6 beautiful and very different from each other children. I have a basket FULL of grand children. I am back in Oregon, I love the Pacific Northwest. I feel like my life is falling into place. I have many reasons to be happy.

Did I mention I have had a migraine trying to grab a hold of my head for the past week. It was awful last week, then I saw my chiropractor on Saturday and after the adjustment I felt a whole lot better. But I need another adjustment, which is happening on Saturday again. But I'm still happy.... just don't make any loud noises please.