Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Crashes.... Bears... & Flirts...

It's cold outside... winter has definitely arrived.

Yes, I am finally back. My computer crashed, meaning Windows wouldn't even open, and my other computers were still useless. Somehow Avast got shut off (I think Bobby did it) and a virus got in.

It does help to have a computer geek in house though. First he worked on my notebook and got it going. Now he's working on my desktop, which involves cloning the hard drive and then wiping it clean. A lot of work, he is so good to his mama.

I do admit I have had the notebook working for about a week already, without coming back on here. Have you ever typed on a little notebook? Either my fingers are too big or the keyboard is too small, but either way, typing class goes out the window and I'm forced to type with two fingers. So I put this off. Today I decided I could procrastinate no longer, single finger typing or not, I'm back.

There is a perk though, in using a notebook computer. It is so small and lightweight that I can lay on my bed all cozy warm under my quilt and finger-type away. Oh, life can get so lazy!

Danny and I are still working on organizing our apartment. Last night Danny worked on the pantry closet. It had two particle board shelves that were terribly bowed and pretty far apart, and only 12 inches deep... not all that useful. He removed those shelves and installed three 1" pine wood shelves, two are 20 inches deep & closer together, the third is the full 30" deep of the closet. That makes it possible to put boxes in the back and canned goods in the front. There was room for a fourth shelf, but we opted to use the floor to store small food buckets that will stack three high if we left out the last shelf. This pantry will now hold a lot of food storage. He used anchors and 16" brackets, so those shelves are sturdy!

I have jokingly said that by the time we have this apartment as we like it, it will be time to move again. Bobby will be moving back in with us in May, so we will need to get a 3 bedroom place. Even though we know we will have to move the end of May, we have decided to make this apartment as nice for us as possible for the time we are here.

And it also makes me feel like I am making progress in my life and not still waiting in limbo for me to be able to organize myself. Getting order in my life is feeling really good.

Other things in my life are coming together for me too... I'm not as afraid of men anymore.

I met a guy in Montana, a friend of my parents. (It seems silly to keep referring to my mom and step-dad separately, just know that when I say parents from now on it is them and not my biological father, who was abusive and is dead.)

Anyway, being in Montana, create this picture in your head.... Mountain man... hunter, especially bears.... lots of facial hair.... kinda says it like it is, worts and all.... He is a nice guy and I liked him, but I decided I'm just not the totally roughing it, mountain gal kind of girl. I don't think I would be happy living so far away from everything, even without the extreme cold.

But it was fun making friends with him. And I learned something about myself... I had to get over my fear of men and I didn't even know I had that fear! He flirted with me and I think I turned sheet white! I know I froze and he reacted to the look on my face by backing off... geeze, kinda hard to ever get a date if I freeze with a little flirt.

We talked a second time... he flirted again... and again I froze... I really needed to get over this.

Near the end of my visit in Montana my parents invited him to dinner. We talked again... he flirted again (gotta give him credit for persistence) and I didn't freeze!... I was able to even flirt back a little!!

Wow, I can't believe being able to take and give a flirt is progress in my life!

I've also started going back to the Church sponsored support group for women affected by relationships with sex addicts. It is a modified 12-step program and very useful. I went for the first time in this area last week. I used to go in Mesa, until it got too hard to afford the gas and the marriage was clearly a bust anyway.

Now my focus is not on how to survive in a sex-addict affected marriage, it is on me. If I am ever going to be able to have a relationship again, I need to get past my blanket wall of distrust. Not all men are unfaithful jerks, I know that in my head, but my heart is still screaming otherwise. I know with prayer and work on my part I will not only be able to get past this, I will be able to exercise discernment to know who I can trust and who to steer clear of. I have been praying on this for several months and have some progress, and going to the group feels to be an answer to my prayers.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day... It will be just Danny and me, and he has to work til 2:00. We got a small turkey and are planning a modest but delicious meal. I have so much to be thankful for..... there is goodness in my life.

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