Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Egg....

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses, and all the king's men
could not put Humpty Dumpty back together again....

But Humpty Dumpty wasn't lost,
He knew he's have to pay the cost.
To be rebuilt, from old to new
The King was the only one who could redo...

So all the king's horses, and all the king's men
stepped aside, the King entered in.
On bended knee and broken heart
Humpty gave his all, that was his part.

And with the lesson to not sit on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty was restored all.
And all the king's horses, and all the king's men,
rejoiced in their King and His power to win.

The King of Kings, the Lord of Lords,
He is the One who does restore.
So Humpty Dumpty is made whole,
By Jesus Christ, the King of all.

Now you know what kind of thinking my mind does at 3:30 am....

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Enough is Enough is Enough!!!

I'm sick of Political Correctness!!

If it can do as much damage to my son's happiness and well being as it has done... how much more can it do to a nation's happiness and well being?!

My son is almost 22. He is autistic... For him that means his ability to emotionally cope with his world is at about the capacity of a 7-yr-old..... TOPS. In some ways he is still like a 4-yr-old. Yet he continues to be indoctrinated by "well meaning" liberal types to believe he can do anything...

That is what he hears... it has created a very selfish personality.

I spoke with his Developmental Disabilities manager. She told me he can do anything... anything that is, with support. But I have to question the support... at what cost is that support given?

He has been told he has the right to go to college (his high school diploma is modified, he is unable to comprehend beyond the 7th grade level). So he can go to college, spend tax-payer money to pay the tuition because I certainly can't afford it. But wait, he can't go alone, he cannot be left unsupervised. Someone will have to attend his classes with him, monitor him, keep him from misbehaving and indulging his shoe fetish (which can have legal ramifications). DDD services won't cover that expense... they think I will?? They tell him he has the right to the support, but then dump it on my lap?

And despite that, he won't pass any college level classes. At some point in his "college career" he will fail.... he won't be able to attain a degree. It is simply not within his capacity to do this. He isn't stupid, he just does not comprehend enough to be able to achieve the goal.

And his goal is to become a movie producer.... can you just picture what that would look like? If you can't, let me assure you it wouldn't be pretty.

So mom ends up being the heavy... Mom is the one who has to say "no". My choices to supply the support are to either fork out the money or my time. I really don't have either to spare. I have given to him for 2 decades. At what point am I allowed to have my life back?

Is it selfish for me to say enough is enough?

He has been told he can have a girlfriend, get married, have a family.... with support.

OH MY GOSH!!! What kind of support does that look like??? He cannot take care of himself, let alone a family.... He wants that family with a lower functioning autistic girl (control issues at the very least are manifest here). I draw the line at being his mom, I will not take on a family he has been irresponsibly told he can create. Will DDD services step in and supply funds to support this choice? I don't think so, that's all we need.... government workers raising other people's families!!

Where is taking responsibility for oneself in Political Correctness?? I can't find it.

All this indoctrination has created in him selfishness. He wants so therefor he demands. He mopes and pouts and has meltdowns if he can't get his way. I mean MAJOR MELTDOWNS. He is unhappy if he does not get his way, every day, every hour.... every minute.

It is exhausting....

I've tried to teach my children to delay gratification. To earn what they have, to work towards meeting their wants.... The indoctrination has instilled in him an attitude of demanding his wants are met. Not the needs, the wants. As far as he is concerned, his wants are his needs.

So instead of creating a happy, satisfied, self-mastering environment for my son, Political Correctness has created a demanding, selfish, "I am all that matters" attitude. And with it a lot of unhappiness.

I think the same can be applied to society at large.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


December 16, 2011

Time is dragging...

I guess it is moving... just very s.l.o.w.l.y....

10 weeks to go....

That's 70 days...

In 1680 hours I will be on the train... on my way... actually approximately 1689 hours til the train pulls into Whitefish.

Add another approximately 12 hours and I will have a different last name!

I really hate waiting... if you have been following this blog at all you will know my life has been on hold for the last 3 years.

I am so looking forward to getting off the hold button. Now that the decisions have been made, I don't want to wait... I want to move forward with the decisions.

But there is still so much to do... I have my apartment to pack up and get ready to move. I want this done before I leave on the train... One less thing to weigh me down and keep me from enjoying my new life... My things may not be able to move til the weather warms up, but that is not going to stop me.

Yet I find myself focused on the waiting...

I will choose tonight to put my focus on gratitude.... I am grateful to have met my Montana Mountain Man... I am grateful to my Heavenly Father that he protected me from some very bad things that could have happened to me because of the actions of my ex-husband... I am grateful to be loved and to be able to love...

I am grateful to have the knowledge that my Savior is real... the Atonement is real... and life can be good.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Decisions.... Packing.... Moving Forward....

I started packing last night... I am doing this on faith...

Danny finally got his application for a Montana Pharmacy Tech license in the mail yesterday. He will begin to apply online for jobs today.

We talked and decided to move forward, with the idea that we will be moving soon. There are a lot of things to be organized. The garage has become such a mess, and there are many boxes that are only partially full now. You know how it goes, you don't want everything in the box, just that one or two items. So you take what you need and leave the rest. There are many boxes that fit that scenario.

It looks like we will need a 20 foot truck. There should be some room left over, but for $50 extra I would rather have some space to spare rather than not enough room.

There is still the issue of the car. I really don't want to tow a car behind the truck..... One thing at a time.

It amazes me how I have shifted. A year ago I was frightened in Montana. I can't really explain why, but just being there scared me. I felt exposed, vulnerable, displaced. And all I was really doing was visiting my mom.

Today I long to be there. I no longer feel like I am home here. A part of me is missing... I left it at the foot of the Rocky mountains with a big, lovable, Mountain Man.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Cracking Open a New Book....

My life is changing in so many wonderful ways. I said that already didn't I?

My Montana Mountain Man has turned out to be a treasure to hold sacred my tender heart. I really didn't realize what it meant to say a man was emotionally available until I found myself in a relationship with a man who IS emotionally available. What a difference!

There were several tense moments. I think we had the opportunity over the last two weeks to see each other at our worse. Yet he didn't pull away from me.... new concept here. He didn't pull away when I kinda freaked over something Bobby did.... or I got sick.... or my car broke down a few days before I was supposed to leave. When I needed him... there he was. Not to say it wasn't tense at times, but he was there. He insisted on talking.... he guarded his words so he wouldn't regret what he said. He treated me like I was important to him. We drew closer.

And there were moments when he wasn't at his best either. His sewage pump stopped working and I was the one who discovered the puddle on the downstairs bathroom floor. And while he was trying to figure out how to get that repaired without costing a fortune, unexpected guests showed up and stayed several days. Right in the middle of my trip. We had to give several precious days to these guests instead.

And then there were the normal parenting of pre-teen difficulties... especially when one of them has pretty bad ADHD. That will try any parent's patience, but add the fact that he has MS, and he just has a hard time with the energy needed to cope sometimes. Yet Bobby didn't get to him.

Bobby spent part of his time with us and part of his time helping his grandparents move rocks, week, stack wood, and other chores that needed to be done to prepare for the winter. He got to know them and they got to know him. It was nice but trying at times. Bobby can say things that really push buttons. Mom and Dad were troopers.....

I would pull in each night between 9 and 9:30, tired but happy.

Then one day I came home at 8. It had been a long, long day. It was the last Sunday I was there and we both decided to call it an extra early night. I must have had a huge smile on my face, because when my mom asked me how my day went, I just smiled and said it was really good.

"He proposed didn't he?" she asked.

There is no hiding anything from my mom!!

We are taking one thing at a time. I live in Oregon, he is in Montana. Winter is coming fast. My apartment lease isn't up til the end of May..... that's 8 long, agonizing months away!!

I can break the lease, but if Danny isn't able to find a job out there, he will have to stay here and find a smaller apartment. He really wants to move there. That was the plan before love even entered into my life.... before I stopped resisting.

I am seeking Heavenly guidance as to what to do.... My heart got filled and now it's aching for the companion I have found. We are 650 miles apart.

I have driven the distance twice so far since August. I really want to just get in the car and drive back again.... Danny says it would probably break down on me again.... He is beginning the research to decide what to trade it in for...

This is certainly a test in patience. He keeps saying to me to remember we have a goal in mind.... I know, but I want it NOW! I have been waiting my whole life to find someone to love me the way he loves me... and now I have to wait. I have been waiting my whole life to be able to love the way I am meant to love... and I can't give it yet...

I feel safe in his arms and comfort in his eyes. When he says he loves me it doesn't mean he just wants something from me.... He means he wants to give, not take.

For a full day after he proposed, we were both filled with the most wonderful peace I have ever felt. We know it's right. I feel Heavenly Father smiling. I am smiling....

Everything is different.... That's how I know it will work.