Does The Date Matter?

Today is a day to give thanks for the miraculous birth, life, sacrifice, and triumph of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Today is not the only day to do this, but it is the day the world recognizes our wonderful Friend and Redeemer's birth.

Although tradition chooses to make December 25th this day of recognition, history and fact place His divine birth in the spring. For me, the date really doesn't matter nearly as much as the fact that it actually happened. He really was born in the meridian of time, when the world was prepared in advance to receive Him. Man may not have received him well, but the earth was ready, and His purposes were ALL fulfilled.

He came to save us from ourselves. We, the stubborn, headstrong, weak (yet falsely believe we are strong), naive (yet believe we are wise), beings who stumble around on this earth.

To me, every day is a day to celebrate His birth, His life, and His ultimate Gift. He gave us His Atonement. He gave us His Redemption. He gave us the ability to bring our broken lives to Him and in return receive His Wholeness and Perfection.

I have made huge mistakes in my life. I have suffered the consequences of those mistakes. I know now that I did not suffer the full weight of those consequences, because His divine love sustained me through those dark times. Were I to have been left alone I would have crushed and disappeared under the burden. But I didn't, because despite my mistakes, His love is stronger than any power of darkness. His love pierces the corners, the crevices, the deep, dark holes in our souls that we try so desperately to hide from and in.

It is in the hiding that we suffer.

It is my prayer for you and for me, that we will open our hearts even more, starting today. That the love of The Man Of Peace will penetrate more deeply, more fully, and more lastingly. That we will allow His love to destroy our hiding places, so that the darkness will find no place to dwell.

I know without doubt or reservation that He lives. I know His power is real, His love is real, and His Peace is real. I also know that following Him is the only real thing I want to do. I know that when I fall off His path, and I do and will again, that His hands are reaching for me to help me stand back up and reconcile with Him yet again.

I know that He loves me, and He loves you.

May He know that I love him back.

And The Winner Is...

I would like to say Thank You to all those who participated in my "read my blog and comment for a chance to win a Target gift card" drawing.

I'm sorry I didn't keep up with daily postings, I was under the weather most of this week and didn't do much of anything.

Well, it is now Christmas Eve.

I am feeling much better today and even managed to do some baking and delivered some presents.

Then I put all the names in a bowl and drew out one piece of folded paper.

The name on that piece of paper was:


Fawn


Congratulations!!

Now, I've been thinking of doing this again. I can't afford the $25 gift card every month or so, but I can do 2 movie tickets to Cinemark, Regal, or AMC. These are 2 adult tickets good for non-starred attractions. The next drawing will be on March 1st, so be sure to keep coming back often and leave your comments.

Whoever leaves 2 comments tonight or tomorrow will get their name put in twice!! Leave 2 comments both days and get entered 4 times! Just leave a comment on two different postings of at least 6 words each, each day, and I will enter you twice. This is good only for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, 2010.

Thank you again and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Merry Christmas Adam!!

Merry Christmas Adam to everyone!!

Skip This One...

It's been one of those days. I'm cold, I'm groggy, a bit grouchy I think (will have to wait til I am around others to confirm that one), and just plain out-of-sorts. Can I just skip today?

It happens...

I woke up feeling chilled to the bone, and although a very hot shower helped, I still feel like I am going under... in slow motion...

I have accomplished very little today. Wrapped some presents, got some ready to mail... yes, I still have not mailed the Mesa gifts :-(.

I did load up the dishwasher too, so I guess you could say I was a little domestic today. lol

I watched an episode of NCIS. But that doesn't count for actually doing anything.

I would really like to just crawl back into bed, but there is another birthday party tonight for a grandchild. Last one of the year. Then in January it starts all up all over again... That happens where there are a dozen to keep track of, and we are growing past the dozen.

I love my grandkids. They are full of life. There was a time so very long ago that I was running around, screaming with joy, playing with siblings... I am glad the cousins can play together... Most of my cousins were too much older, too much younger, or were BOYS!!

It's about time to climb behind the wheel to get Danny at work and head out to the party. I hope to make it an early night tonight, and hopefully tomorrow I will be warmer.

No real progress on the resentments thing, but I am feeling weighed down... or maybe it's just the chill.

What A Difference!!

I was so busy yesterday I didn't have the chance to collect my thoughts for a blog entry. It was a good day, spent with family, celebrating a couple of birthdays.

I started the day off in my usual place, my chiropractor's office. I prayed it would go well. I practiced my breathing. I thought about the resentments and how I had been feeling a bit lighter since I had put them into words.

The adjustment went incredibly well. The best I have had in longer than I can remember. My entire back and my neck did not resist. I was not tense!! Dr. M said it was actually "fun" for him, didn't bruise him at all! Wow! If just writing down my resentments could do that much for me, I can not even imagine how much benefit I will have when I actually process and let them go!!

I said a prayer of thanks to my Heavenly Father. He is guiding me through this, because even more them me, He wants me to be well and happy.

I've been praying about those resentments. I figured I was done writing them down and it was time to get to step two... I was wrong... I still have more to name before I can move on.

Having these resentments means I have not forgiven as I thought I had. It also means that I have been laying blame, which identifies more with a victim than a person taking responsibility for themselves. It has been my intention to take responsibility for my life, not to get stuck in blaming others for all the bumps in my road. Opps, I think I started addressing step two before I completely finished step one.

Who do I resent that I have not identified yet? As I prayed about it, the answer came clearly, but surprised me. Life is full of so many surprises...

Although the resentments I feel towards my dad and ex-husbands are both founded and rational, I also have some deeply buried resentments that are not only unfounded, they are outright irrational. They lay blame in such an inappropriate and judgmental way that they must be shattered to get rid of them. They are not ones that need to be processed, they need to be destroyed.

What are those resentments that would cut so deeply at my health and well-being? Who am I blaming so deeply? What did God know that I was hiding from myself?

The person I have resented the most, who I blame the most, who I have been the least willing to forgive.....

Is Me.

With those resentments in place, I don't have a chance...

As I said before these resentments are irrational... I blame myself for not using tools I didn't even have in the first place to make choices throughout my life. I resent I didn't act on knowledge I didn't have. I resent myself for not protecting myself. I resent myself for not protecting my children better. I resent myself for not paying attention to red flags, for attaching to the familiar, for being sucked into repeating situations.

I resent myself for not being perfect...

I think I am still not fully applying the Atonement to my life. It's time I read "Believing Christ" again. This book is about not just believing IN Christ, it is about BELIEVING CHRIST, believing HIM. That he CAN redeem, that He CAN heal, that He CAN help us to overcome ANYTHING. I've been encouraging a friend of mine to read it to help her, but I think I need it too. If you ever desired to obtain a working understanding of the Atonement, that is the book to read. "Believing Christ" by Stephen E. Robinson. Like me, you will probably want to read it over and over again.

I cannot hold myself responsible for things I did not know, for not using tools I did not have, for walking down paths where I didn't know any other path existed.

Yes, I need to shatter all the irrational, unfounded, inappropriate and judgmental judgments I have inflicted on myself. They need to be dispersed so completely there will be no way to ever bring them together again.

All my "shoulds" are wrapped up in those judgments. My counselor years ago used to tell me to quit "shoulding on myself".

Jesus Christ has the POWER to completely transform who I am, to build me into a person who is strong and able. There is only one person that can stop Him for doing this.... and that person is me.

May I stop getting in His way....

Avoiding...

Another day comes to an end and I still have not put any thought into stage two of my assignment... I've been keeping my mind busy with other things so I don't have to think...

Do you think I'm avoiding???

Oh well, I'm avoiding... just for a little while... the job will get done...

One of Those Days....

Today was a busy day that did not end as I had thought it would in the beginning.

Last night the car started making a grinding noise. This morning the brake light came on. As soon as I was able, I got it into a shop. Prognosis: the right rotor had seized up and it was grinding, metal on metal. The brakes never squeaked like they were supposed to, I guess that happened because the rotor had seized up. The left brakes weren't worn down as far, it was uneven and I don't really understand that. I sure wish the brakes had of squeaked.

Price: $414 and some change... OUCH!!! If they can save the rotor it will be about $260. I have a feeling the rotor isn't savable. They couldn't get to it today, so I left it at the shop and will get it back... and the bill... around noon tomorrow.

I don't like it when my plans get changed. I didn't get to go to my 12-step meeting tonight and I really missed it. Because of this change I had to change tomorrow also. I won't be spending the morning with a friend at the temple. We may not be able to do lunch either. Depends on when they call me to come and get it. I really enjoy visiting with this friend and am disappointed the plans got changed.

UPDATE: The next day... just a smiggin under $400, the rotors were shot.

I really didn't think on my assignment today, to much "other" going on.

But as I think now, one thought comes to mind.... I am glad I am more than a rotor... I am glad God did not see me as too worn out to bother with... I am very glad He saw and continues to see me as savable.

That is definitely something to be grateful for.

Addressing My Resentments....

I got an assignment today from my counselor. I have some writing to do. I suppose I should probably do this in a private journal, but I really don't get anywhere with that, I seem to be in need of feeling like I am conversing with someone else for me to be able to really write it out. This is one of the reasons I started this blog, so that I could talk to you. And that is why I value your feedback so much.

You would think I wouldn't want my "dirty laundry" to be out for the world to see it, but it really doesn't feel that way to me. I have had too many experiences where someone has said to me "wow, that is just how I feel" or "thank you for sharing, I needed to read that", for me to doubt that my writing has value to others. My deep desire is to help others, and for me that means writing it out for others to read.

So here I am, warts and all.....

We talked today in my counseling session about my anxiety and what I have discovered about it, including my feelings of resentment that I have linked to the anxiety, and why I won't let myself fully acknowledge the resentment. (See "Too Many Snags" 12/11/2010). We also talked about my tense body and inability to get good movement in my neck with an adjustment, and for that matter, all the pain and health issues of my body. Third, we talked about my catastrophic thinking, past self-destructive behavior, and what kind of "shoulds" and "should nots" I am telling myself now. Finally, my counselor wrapped them all together and asked me if they were all bundled together in one package.

You ever had an experience where someone said something to you and "WHAM!" you know it is true? That is what happened there. Yes, they ARE all bundled together. But I think in a different way than I originally thought. This is going to take some exploring...

So my assignment is.....
1) Identify what I am resentful of.
2) Identify why I won't let myself feel that resentment.
3) Identify the "shoulds" and "should nots" I am telling myself now.
4) Identify what triggers the catastrophic thinking and follow the direction it goes.

Wow, that is a big order to fill, but I feel it will be enlightening and helpful. I don't think I am going to get all this out in one post either. I also think this may become pretty heavy.

I've already written about the resentment. That because of the abuse from a young age my body and mind just don't work that well anymore. That both my father and 1st husband had made a commitment to care for me, provide for me, and keep me safe, but neither of them came close to fulfilling that commitment and instead I feel robbed of my ability to do those things for myself.

But I think the resentment goes deeper than that, and probably at some point it includes my 2nd husband as well. He is providing for me now, and in fact told the judge at our divorce hearing that he wanted to pay the alimony and asked her to please include it in the decree as written. But that is small compared to the hurt, betrayal, and abandonment I felt with the crashing of that marriage, and the alimony has an end. As I explore this I will see if he is in there too somewhere.

My father was a charismatic individual. He put on a front to the world and the world seemed to like him. He was also flirty, even flirting with my girl friends as a teenager. I always thought that odd and it embarrassed me.

I was the middle girl and child number three of four. I was the over-responsible, loyal, dependable one. I was trauma-bonded to my dad, and as I have thought about this today, I am understanding a bit more of how that happened. In a nutshell, trauma bonding is where the abuser also becomes the rescuer, so the victim begins to crave the company of the abuser, will defend the abuser, even with their life, and suffers anxiety when the abuser is not present. If you decide to google "trauma bonding", be forwarned, it gets pretty intense. I started to read a posting and decided it hit too close to home and I don't want to be triggered.

I won't go into details here, details are not necessary. Suffice it to say, there was a traumatic experience when I was six years old that cemented in me the desire to do anything and everything my dad told me to do. He would brag to anyone willing to listen "Sandy is my faithful one. She is loyal to a fault. She would do anything I asked her to do. She would jump off a cliff if I asked her to, no questions asked."

And with that trauma bond in place, I probably would have. Maybe my dad wasn't as charismatic as I thought, maybe it was just my perception of him through the trauma bond.

My dad died on my 22nd birthday. It was classified as an accidental drug overdose, but I have strong feelings it was not accidental. We had had a fight the day before, he had hurt my daughter, little 2 1/2-yr-old Michelle came screaming out of his room, terrified... Everyone else in the family had already dismissed him, he had become a weak old man. I, the loyal, faithful daughter, turned on him that day. You do not hurt my children, which was probably the only thing he could have done that would have caused me to turn on him. The next day he was gone.

I resent that he had such a tight hold on me. I resent that he stole from me, my health, my childhood, pretty much my life. He used to say he owned me, body and soul. He owned all of us. He would say "I brought you into this world and I can take you back out of it", and "I own you.. I own the very air you breathe, you do not take a breath without my permission".

I resent I didn't get to know what it was like to have a truly loving father. That he put me in danger so many times, real danger, not just perceived. I resent that he valued me so little, that I in turn did not learn to value myself. I resent that I had no working model of what a righteous man was like, so I couldn't pattern my choice of a husband on it. I resent that I stumbled around in the dark for years, trying to get my footing but constantly stepping in muddy holes instead, and falling on my face.

I resent that he didn't take care of me. He was my daddy, but I wasn't safe with him. I resent that I lost track of what safe was, so instead I clung to what was familiar. Familiar was abusive, familiar abandoned, familiar defined me as an object to be used to gratify carnal impulses, familiar defined my value as how I could be used by others.

I resent that he came between me and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. This is one I have worked hard on, but there are still some times my dad's abusive, sadistic attitude tries to overshadow my vision of a loving, nurturing, attentive, and compassionate Heavenly Father. This is why I still struggle with really believing I am important to God. I resent that I still have to tell my dad to shut up.

I resent my first husband too. I resent that he broke his promises to me. I resent his value of me was also defined by my being an object to gratify him. I intensely resent the way he treated our children, my babies, these beautiful little people who just wanted to be loved and nurtured. I resent him for the struggles my children have had to endure. I resent that he kept me weak, dependent, needy.

I resent I had to raise the children alone in order to keep them safe. I resent his care-free attitude that made it possible for him to abandon all of us. I resent that he still does not get it. I have given him opportunity to come clean with me, to take some responsibility in what happened. So far, I apologized to him for being angry and unapproachable, he said nothing back. Still has said nothing back.

I resent, that because of all the trust destroying experiences I have had with my father and both husbands, I am having a monumentally difficult time believing anyone is trustable with my heart. I see deception around every corner. Face value has lost it's value. I am closed, a wall, bricked up and reinforced with steel.

With this distrust how can I possibly ever have a meaningful relationship? I am unable to take care of me, I don't trust someone else to take care of me, geeze, I'm surrounded by rocks and hard places.

I resent my loneliness. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Not at 50. Not alone.

I look at all my resentments. A lot more than I had been willing to admit to myself before this exercise. The next step is to identify why I won't let myself feel them. Why I keep pushing them back down. I'll save that for another day, I think I've done enough digging for the day.

I think it's time to do something nice for me.

Taking a Risk....

I just did something I rarely do. I posted a comment on a friend's status in FaceBook that will definitely be controversial.

I thought about whether or not to say anything since last night. I really do not like to make waves, to confront, and to have to defend myself.

Other thoughts came to mind that helped me to gain the courage to say something.

When it comes to living God's laws, it is pretty "black and white". The scriptures tell us that if we are not for God, then we are against Him. If we do not stand up for what is right, then we are condoning through our silence, what is wrong.

"All it takes for evil to prevail in this world is for good men to do nothing." I don't remember who first said that, but it has stuck with me through the years.

Being a non-confrontational person, keeping silent is always easier. But in doing so I've realized I'm failing God's test. I'm not striving to gain strength, I'm strengthening my weakness.

The status, which I strongly disagree with, said the following:

"Let me get this straight - Larry King is getting his 8th divorce, Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time, Britney Spears had a 55-hour marriage. Jesse James and Tiger Woods are screwing EVERYTHING, yet the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage?? Really? REALLY......?? - Proud to support equal rights for ALL!"

Yes, REALLY. The family and marriage are in trouble.

I said what I felt in my heart to say. I could have said more, but it would have come across as attacking. I decided I did not do this to change anyone's mind, because in that format, I doubt I would. I did it to clear my own conscience that I stood for right and did not keep silent with a wrong.

I will say more here.

Marriage was instituted by God, not man. It is the arrogance of man to think he has the right to change God's law. That is really what all the wars and conflicts through the ages are about. Men who envision themselves above God, so therefor they have the power to make the laws as they desire and not as God made them. And to enforce their supposed power through violence.

If a person chooses to live their life contrary to God's law, they have the free will to do so. But, they must accept the consequences and limitations that go along with that choice. It is one of those "You can't have your cake and eat it too" situations.

As far as same-sex relationships are concerned, I do not see a difference between those and the lifestyle my ex-husband chose, or for that matter, Jesse James or Tiger Woods. They all are wrong in that they are participating in activity outside of marriage that is only meant to be within marriage. And changing the law to allow for same-sex relationships to be within marriage is really distorting what God meant to create when he created marriage.

Simply changing the rules does not make immoral behavior suddenly moral. What is moral or not moral is defined by the mind of God, not man. Since man cannot change God's mind, because he is Holy and unchangeable, what's the point in trying to change the law?

Another person left a further comment, that to be fair and not targeting a certain "lifestyle choice", would be to outlaw divorce altogether.

Ok, let's get real on that one. Marriage involves TWO people. If one of those people chooses to violate the covenant, then the other person has the right to opt out. How horrible it would be to forbid a battered wife to get away from a destructive marriage. And from experience and in talking to other women who married an adulterous man, she has been emotionally battered. Not to mention her very life is put at risk though his possible exposure to disease.

I do not believe in having our lives regulated by too many laws of man. The more the law regulates, the less people will think for themselves. The less people will hold themselves accountable for their actions and choices. Some law is needed, but less is better. Let instead, each person to be left to themselves with God's laws as He made them. Let each person accept and live the consequences of their choices, and discover for themselves, where true happiness lies.

The more the government gets involved, the less accountable the people become.

Leave the law where God put it.

Permission Granted....

Have you ever gone to church and felt the messages were catered to your needs? Today was one of those days for me.

You can hear the same lessons over and over, but then one day they click. Today that happened for me. It clicked. Believing I will be okay is not only exercising faith, it is also obeying what I have been told.

The talks were on obedience and faith. Sunday School was on Daniel and his faith to stand firm in his belief, even when the situation looked impossible to overcome.

One of the talks was from a recently returned sister missionary. She told of a man she had taught, who very much wanted to be baptized, but he was living with his girlfriend. He could not be baptized unless he chose to change the situation, so the sister missionaries spoke with him about it. He decided to ask his girlfriend and roommate to marry him. The next day the sister missionaries got a phone call from him... he asked and she said no. Now what to do?

The sister missionaries again told him that he could not be baptized while he lived in his present situation, so did he have enough faith to change it? His present financial situation was that he could not meet his needs on his own. But he wanted to be obedient, so he decided to move forward and pray for guidance. He would move out, but he didn't know how.

The next day, the sister missionaries received another call from him. He was calling from his bank. He had received, that day, a check from a lawsuit that took place 3 years earlier. A check he was neither waiting for nor expecting. The amount of the check was enough to sustain his needs for many months. His prayer was answered because he had chosen to be obedient even when he didn't know how he was going to proceed.

That story couldn't have been more catered to me. I am stressing and tense over my own financial situation, and my situation isn't as dire as his was. I am keeping myself from relaxing, even though I have received my answer from the Lord that He is aware of my situation and has a plan in motion to take care of me. I have not been behaving like I believe Him. I have not been obedient. I did not realize until today that my weakness of faith was a result of disobedience.

I think I got the permission I was looking for... from the right source.

To let go of the worry and stress would be to be obeying the promptings of the Spirit. So, exercising faith is more than just believing... it is obeying.

Too Many Snags...

I kept my weekly chiropractic appointment today. It did not go well. My neck and upper back have become so tight they simply won't adjust, or do so very little. This has been going on for quite some time. I laid on the table after the failed attempt and started to cry.

Dr. M, my chiropractor, asked me what was going on. I have been going to him for around 20 years, minus the 7 I was in Arizona. He saw me through the years I was in recovery counseling for child abuse. He was there for me through the end of my first marriage and now again after my 2nd. He has always been kind and caring towards me, although quite professional as well. I know he is genuine when he asks me what is wrong, and he reads me rather well.

It was hard admitting my concerns. I am pretty sure these concerns are what is causing me to be so tense. It is hard for me to say them here too, but I think if I get them out, I might be able to start letting go, then maybe I'll start having better adjustments, and healing in my neck and upper back.

I am concerned about my future, especially the finances part. For now I am okay, my needs are more or less being met, but in another year-and-a-half, that is going to change. That is when the alimony from my second husband will stop. That is when my income will be more than cut in half.

I've tried to hold down a job, I last about 2 months. Then the activity and stress become too much and I flare up and am just unable to go on. It takes months to recover. This has happened with my last 3 jobs.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have gone back to the 12-step group. Last week the step of discussion was step 8 - Forgiveness. As the night wore on, a thought started forming in my head. By the time the meeting was over, I was pretty sure I had figured out a few more things about me... and the anxiety attacks I have been dealing with lately.

I thought I had forgiven my father and first husband for the abuse/abandonment/betrayals. I realized that the forgiveness was not complete, that what was left had turned into resentment. I feel resentment towards them because what they did to me has impacted my health and ability to take care of myself. The physical and emotional abuse have taken a heavy tole on my physical frame and on my immune system. Although I have come a long ways towards becoming healthier, I still have enough limitations that a regular job is still out of the question.

The resentment tells me "they not only did not live up to their commitment to keep me safe, secure, and stable, their very actions towards me have created a situation where I am unable to do some of that for myself." They stole from me and left me holding an empty bag.

I believe the resentment is the root of the anxiety attacks. They stem from thoughts of being in crisis, of intense loss, of being powerless to better my situation. The anxiety attacks put me back in the victim stance. This is a place I do not want to be. The victim has no power. I am grateful I do not have to stay in this place and that I can get me out. I am grateful I now know I can make different choices. Having identified the problem, I can now begin work on the solution.

As I pray for guidance and direction towards knowing what to do to secure my future, the answer is always the same. "Don't worry about it... Trust Me". I wrote about this yesterday.

I have to figure out how to let go of these concerns. To completely trust God that He will make sure my needs are being met. I think the biggest snag in my trust is to believe He is satisfied with my efforts to do all that I can do. How do I become secure in knowing this? Is it possible to become secure in this? Or is the faith part where I have to believe without having the secure knowledge? There seems to be too many snags in my thinking to let the faith get a firm hold.

The really silly part about all this is I think I am looking for someone to give me permission to let go. No person can give me that kind of permission, so why am I still looking?

I think I have a lot of praying to do.



*Don't forget about my gift to you... read about it here, I haven't figured out how to put in the link, so copy and past here: http://mormonexwife.blogspot.com/2010/12/thank-you.html

God Is Bigger Than The Boogie Man...

Well, I'm trying to write everyday...

Now I have to get my brain to think of something to write.

Veggietales is playing in the background... The girls are singing along... "broccoli, celery, gotta be..... Veggietales........"

I love these little movies. They teach wonderful biblical standards in a way little kids can understand. The one playing now is "Where's God When I'm Scared?"

Have you ever asked that question? How do I get past this? Where can I find relief from the stress? I need help, so where is it?

Lately I've been trying to set all my worldly concerns aside and just concentrate on trusting God. I can't change things outside me, I can only change me. I've prayed many times to understand what it is I need to do to protect my future. The answer I repeatedly receive back... "Trust Me"....

I'm smiling as I listen to the songs.... "God is bigger than the Boogie man, He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on tv.... Oh, God is bigger than the Boogie man, and He's watching out for you and me."

Yes, God is watching out for you and me... He knows what we need even before we know it. He knows my situation, He knows my concerns. He knows my desire to do what I need to do. He knows my limitations in carrying out my desires. His answers continues to be "Trust Me".

Maybe that is my answer because He knows how hard that is for me to do. To trust Him means to exercise complete faith. He wants to stretch me, mold me in His image. How can I become His image if I don't trust Him?

Trust God... two small but ultimately powerful words.

Two words that can move mountains, bring down cities, and calm the seas...

I need to shut the world off around me... I need to focus my heart outwards... Towards Him....

I used to say "God hasn't brought me this far only to drop me now"... I do believe that still applies.

The video is now over.... "Remember... God made you special and He loves you very much".

Yes, I can believe that now. I didn't always believe it, but now I do.

Where is God when I'm scared?

He's standing all around me, encouraging me, holding me up, coaxing me forward, preparing my way.

He simply is... and in that I can trust.

*Don't forget about my gift to you... read about it here, I haven't figured out how to put in the link, so copy and past here: http://mormonexwife.blogspot.com/2010/12/thank-you.html

A Thank You.....

Christmas is one day closer.

My friend Reema did a special thing on her blog (http://livinglovingbreathingboys.com) and I really liked it. She put out a request to her readers to mail her a Christmas card and she would put all the cards in a drawing for a gift certificate to Starbucks. Her Christmas gift to her readers. She said there was only one gift certificate, but everyone who sent a card would get something.... I wanted to copy her, but realized I had a problem. Reema had a business address she could publish for the cards to be mailed to, but I don't have such a thing. It is not safe to publicly publish a resident address, so I've been racking my brain to see if I could come up with a feasible alternative.

I do believe I have been successful!

Here goes......

Thank you to my readers..... to my followers and those who come on anonymously.... Thank you for your comments and support.... I also have a Christmas gift for you. I will give away one $25 gift card to Target (can be used in store or online) to a reader whose name will be drawn on Christmas Eve. All you have to do is leave a comment of at least 6 words after one of my posts. For each day you leave a new and original comment, (no repeating the same thing over & over please) I will enter your name in a drawing. One entry per day, but you are welcome to leave as many comments as you like. Comments are moderated, so please be appropriate. Anonymous readers can remain anonymous on the blog, but you will have to let me know who you are to get your name in the drawing.

If you are anonymous, and would like to enter the drawing, send me an email with your name and a copy of your comment so I can enter you in the drawing (sanjeasmi@yahoo.com).

You may also leave your mailing address so I can send you a Christmas card if you like. I will need the mailing address of the winner to deliver the gift card. All who give me their address will receive a card from me.

It is my goal to be more consistent at posting every day, but I may miss a few. Life does get busy, especially around the Holidays. Fell free to catch up on the archived posts & comment there. I will see all comments, no matter which post they are attached to.

Thank you again for your support and encouragement.

Merry Christmas!!!

God Bless You and Yours in the coming year.

Sandy

Christmas Is Coming...

I love Christmas time.

I love the colors and the music. I love the nippy cold that makes hot chocolate so much better.

And I love having an excuse to go shopping.

I used to have fun with mistletoe.....

Oh well, maybe next year.

The plan has been to drive to Montana with Danny and enjoy a white and burringly (is that a word?) cold Christmas with my folks. I even got some small gifts for the Montana mountain man's two pre-teen kids. I have a joke gift in mind for him as well.... my step-dad seems to think I don't have a sense of humor, which I do.... I just happen to be of a more sober and serious nature than he is most of the time. I still know how to laugh, thank you very much.

So after hearing some of those hunting stories, I decided to get him (hunting mountain man, let's refer to him as "R" from now on) a pair of warm socks and a roll of tp. They do go together... but please don't ask how, just take my word for it that it is funny.

But now that the time is actually approaching and we've already been hit with some ice, I'm having serious rethinking thoughts.

The ice happened around Thanksgiving. Two families in my ward had family that flipped their cars attempting to make it to or from Thanksgiving dinner. Black ice is dangerous. I heard of other accidents from my Facebook friends. I really don't want to take that kind of a risk. Even if we get there okay, there is also the trip back.

So we thought maybe the train would be a good alternative. After discussing alternatives, Danny checked into the train prices... OUCH!! The rates about tripled for the holidays, to a whopping $760 for two round trip tickets from Portland, OR to Kalispel, MT. That is just too much for us. Flying is even more, and after taking a bus trip from Portland to Phoenix, I swore I would NEVER do that again!

So it is looking more and more like we might have to stay home and make the trip in a few months when the train rates get back to being reasonable, but there is still snow on the ground.

Turns out my daughters are all worried about us making the trip too, so the rethinking is becoming stronger and stronger.

So, if the final decision is to stay home, we are going to have a belated Christmas in February. I'll take my gifts with me then..... and I know "R" will appreciate my "subtle" reference to his hunting stories.

Is It Really So Hard To Make A Friend?

I've been talking to my counselor about whether or not I am ready to start dating.... that is of course, assuming I might actually get asked out by someone.

She thinks I am ready, but cautioned me that stuff will probably get snagged. I have relationship issues big time, who wouldn't with what I have been through? The problem is that it just isn't possible to work through relationship issues without actually being in a relationship. So in other words, my relationship issues, which will probably bulldoze a relationship, cannot be overcome unless I am in a relationship... why do I feel like I am in a "Catch 22" situation?

I have decided that maybe the next step should be a less daring one. No relationship, just a friendship... You would think that might be easier than it is to accomplish.

I really don't think that I am a scary person. I may not be knock-out gorgeous, but I am not unpleasant to look at... I do smile... I do talk when approached... I have even been known to start conversations sometimes...I don't hide in the shadows... Then why does it seem so hard to find a guy who will be a friend?

There is the mountain man in Montana. He is nice, in a gruff, say-it-like-it-is kind of way. But Montana is pretty far to develop and maintain a friendship. My mom told me the other day that he asked about me. This is fine, but I was kinda hoping for someone a bit more local.

I've gone to the "singles functions" at church. But the people there seem to be either desperate females, or men who prey on desperate females ... or guys that are just too young. Even if I am looking for just a friendship, I think age does matter. I would like someone that I have things in common with. I just wasn't comfortable there, so I haven't gone back.

I've met a few single guys at church. Most ignore me... or avoid me. You'd think I was carrying the plague or something. Maybe being a single, middle-aged woman at church is the same as having the plague. Remember those singles functions I mentioned above... desperate females and all? I do not act desperate, all flirty and such, but I've seen the over-the-top flirting that goes on from a distance.

At least I don't think I act that way, once upon a time I used to, but I don't believe I do now. I pretty much take my cue and keep my distance and just watch.

So I'm really left with few options on how to meet someone. I decided to take this problem to my Heavenly Father, He would certainly know who I might be able to be friends with. I'll do what I can, but I think I really do need help in this area.

Maybe in a few months, after the Holidays are over, I might venture out again.

Geeze, why is it so hard to find a new friend?

If I Could Change One Thing...

They say that youth is wasted on the young.... I used to wonder what that meant, you know, when I was young...

Now that I am not so young, I wish I could steal some of it back. I'm not old yet, but definitely on the downward side of the hill. I'm in the in-between time. It is a time to look backwards, hope forwards, and really learn to trust my Heavenly Father.

So I ask myself... If I could travel back in time, what kind of advice would I give myself?

It might surprise you to learn it would not be the obvious. I would not warn the younger me about the two disastrous marriages. I learned too much about me during those trials to risk missing the lessons. I also wouldn't risk the possibility of not having any of my 6 children.

I may warn me to not mention to my doctor when I'm pregnant with Bobby that I cut myself while digging in my garden. I was bullied into getting a tetanus shot at 5 months pregnant and I believe that is why he has autism. That is a hard one though, because of Bobby's autism, he has brought great blessings to his family. This is probably his own trial and nothing I did or didn't do would change the path that was set for him. Maybe it is just presumptuous of me to think I could have power to change his path.

So what would I say to me?

I would stress the need to take better care of me. Regular dental visits I'm sure would have saved some of my present dental grief. Not to mention several thousand dollars.

I would have a long talk with myself around age 30, and explain in minute detail how self-destructive behavior acted out then will manifest it's consequences in a decade or two. I would tell me how I no longer loathed myself and I would very much appreciate having my body cared for in a more respectful manner.

You see, when I was 30 and freshly diagnosed with P.T.S.D., I slipped into a period of time, about 6 months, where I became a head banger. I actually did it since my youth, but never to the point of concussions. During this aprox. 6 month period of time I had back-to-back concussions. I hated myself so intensely and felt such a need for punishment, that I was determined to give it to me as fully as I was able. Yes, I was suicidal as well, but I knew I couldn't destroy my existence, so instead I tried hard to destroy my body.... and more interestingly, I tried to get God to stop wanting me. I didn't want me, so why should He?

True to His nature, I did not succeed in getting God to turn His back on me. In fact, He was finally successful in getting me to stop banging my head against brick walls. Yes, literally, brick walls.

But damage was done, and now I must live with the consequences. My spine is somewhat fragile, it does not withstand impacts very well at all. I cannot jump or run, I must be careful how I walk and sit. It simply does not respond very well to any kind of compression trauma, and pretty much any kind of jarring is a compression trauma now-a-days.

God can heal all traumas, so I am now praying He will reverse the damage I so ungratefully inflicted on myself. If it is His will to remove the consequences from me, then I will again have a strong spine. Whatever He chooses to do for me, I am grateful for all the lessons I have learned.

God is good, and He chooses for me what will be of most benefit to me in my progression back towards Him. Of this, I am sure.

But if I had the ability to change one thing from my past, it would be to take better care of my body.

Getting Organized...

Today was another busy day. I spent yesterday and today getting things to help with organizing my little apartment and then bringing them home and organizing.

I have added to my collection of Ikea "Billy" bookshelves. I am now the proud owner of three 15" wide units. One for the dining area to hold cookbooks, canisters, and small appliances. One just off the dining area in the livingroom. This one has a door on it and will be used for glass bakeware & casseroles. The third is in my bedroom. I think I will take a novel approach to that one and put books on it.

I stubbed my toe while trying to help Danny figure out what to do with the 10' length of shelving on his floor. It will get cut down eventually, but it needed to be put out of danger of someone stubbing their toe on it. Yea, right!! Like I'm not going to walk right into that one! Now my poor little toe is purple, extending several inches into the body of my foot. It hurts too. I will probably have to wear my sandles with socks tomorrow just to get a shoe on the foot. I will have to ignor how dorky that looks.

Still, even with my throbbing toe I managed to empty a few boxes. Danny and I brought about a dozen more boxes out of storage. I felt a bit overwhelmed for a time, but I'm better now.

Slow and steady wins the race...

I like the way things are coming together.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving...

Today was a quiet, peaceful day... not what is normal for a Thanksgiving Day. It was just Danny and me. We still made a full Thanksgiving Dinner, and it was very good. I even baked some rice bread and turned it into a sage dressing. Sage dressing is one of my favorite dishes of the day. That and pumpkin pie... still waiting for Danny to finish the pies.

In the meantime, my tummy is full.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Crashes.... Bears... & Flirts...

It's cold outside... winter has definitely arrived.

Yes, I am finally back. My computer crashed, meaning Windows wouldn't even open, and my other computers were still useless. Somehow Avast got shut off (I think Bobby did it) and a virus got in.

It does help to have a computer geek in house though. First he worked on my notebook and got it going. Now he's working on my desktop, which involves cloning the hard drive and then wiping it clean. A lot of work, he is so good to his mama.

I do admit I have had the notebook working for about a week already, without coming back on here. Have you ever typed on a little notebook? Either my fingers are too big or the keyboard is too small, but either way, typing class goes out the window and I'm forced to type with two fingers. So I put this off. Today I decided I could procrastinate no longer, single finger typing or not, I'm back.

There is a perk though, in using a notebook computer. It is so small and lightweight that I can lay on my bed all cozy warm under my quilt and finger-type away. Oh, life can get so lazy!

Danny and I are still working on organizing our apartment. Last night Danny worked on the pantry closet. It had two particle board shelves that were terribly bowed and pretty far apart, and only 12 inches deep... not all that useful. He removed those shelves and installed three 1" pine wood shelves, two are 20 inches deep & closer together, the third is the full 30" deep of the closet. That makes it possible to put boxes in the back and canned goods in the front. There was room for a fourth shelf, but we opted to use the floor to store small food buckets that will stack three high if we left out the last shelf. This pantry will now hold a lot of food storage. He used anchors and 16" brackets, so those shelves are sturdy!

I have jokingly said that by the time we have this apartment as we like it, it will be time to move again. Bobby will be moving back in with us in May, so we will need to get a 3 bedroom place. Even though we know we will have to move the end of May, we have decided to make this apartment as nice for us as possible for the time we are here.

And it also makes me feel like I am making progress in my life and not still waiting in limbo for me to be able to organize myself. Getting order in my life is feeling really good.

Other things in my life are coming together for me too... I'm not as afraid of men anymore.

I met a guy in Montana, a friend of my parents. (It seems silly to keep referring to my mom and step-dad separately, just know that when I say parents from now on it is them and not my biological father, who was abusive and is dead.)

Anyway, being in Montana, create this picture in your head.... Mountain man... hunter, especially bears.... lots of facial hair.... kinda says it like it is, worts and all.... He is a nice guy and I liked him, but I decided I'm just not the totally roughing it, mountain gal kind of girl. I don't think I would be happy living so far away from everything, even without the extreme cold.

But it was fun making friends with him. And I learned something about myself... I had to get over my fear of men and I didn't even know I had that fear! He flirted with me and I think I turned sheet white! I know I froze and he reacted to the look on my face by backing off... geeze, kinda hard to ever get a date if I freeze with a little flirt.

We talked a second time... he flirted again... and again I froze... I really needed to get over this.

Near the end of my visit in Montana my parents invited him to dinner. We talked again... he flirted again (gotta give him credit for persistence) and I didn't freeze!... I was able to even flirt back a little!!

Wow, I can't believe being able to take and give a flirt is progress in my life!

I've also started going back to the Church sponsored support group for women affected by relationships with sex addicts. It is a modified 12-step program and very useful. I went for the first time in this area last week. I used to go in Mesa, until it got too hard to afford the gas and the marriage was clearly a bust anyway.

Now my focus is not on how to survive in a sex-addict affected marriage, it is on me. If I am ever going to be able to have a relationship again, I need to get past my blanket wall of distrust. Not all men are unfaithful jerks, I know that in my head, but my heart is still screaming otherwise. I know with prayer and work on my part I will not only be able to get past this, I will be able to exercise discernment to know who I can trust and who to steer clear of. I have been praying on this for several months and have some progress, and going to the group feels to be an answer to my prayers.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day... It will be just Danny and me, and he has to work til 2:00. We got a small turkey and are planning a modest but delicious meal. I have so much to be thankful for..... there is goodness in my life.

Taking Care of Burdens...

I have returned...

Oh how I have missed being able to sit down to my computer and just be me.

The good news is I have finally been able to complete a much dreaded task that has loomed over my head and placed weight on my shoulders for a year.

When I moved from Mesa a year ago, there wasn't enough room in my step-dad's truck and the rented 12 foot trailer to bring all my belongings back with me. I had to leave some things behind. All my power tools for a few, including a fantastically terrific table saw that folds and rolls for storage. It was a birthday present a few years ago. Also some bookshelves, some food storage, a fair sized plastic outdoor storage shed, my file cabinet and some odds and ends. I really stressed out having to leave them behind, not because I am materialistic and morbidly attached to my "stuff", but because it meant I would have to make another trip back there and get them.

Chris agreed to store them for me until I could return. I told him he could use whatever he was able until then, and I am glad he took me up on my offer. It made me feel less guilty for continuing to occupy space at his house.

I suppose it shouldn't have weighed so heavy on me, but it did. At the time I didn't know HOW I was going to go back and get it. Driving those 3 days by myself would have been a bigger task than I think I am able to do. I figured I would fly out and rent a small u-haul truck, both with money I really didn't have. Then drive as far as I could each night and hope it only took me 3 days.

But my step-dad (Clay) again came to my rescue. He offered to make the drive again and despite a delay, we were able to begin the trip a little over a week ago. I had flown back to Montana on the 12th and spent a few weeks visiting, then we headed for Arizona.

We stopped and visited with family along the way. Clay's cousin and my brother in Utah, and my grandmother in California. All in all, the trip turned out ok. It did get shortened by several days because my step-sister became very ill and became hospitalized, and Clay really wanted to be able to be there for her. We are relieved that she is feeling much better now and is back home.

I really didn't relax until the truck was loaded and we realized there was no need to rent another trailer. Relieved is an understatement. In fact, there was room to spare. All that fretting for no reason.

Why can't we know before the fact what the outcome will be afterwards??? Life would be so much easier. Or would it? How would our lives be different if we could see the future 5... 10.... 20 years down the road? Would we make the same mistakes or create a whole new batch of different mistakes?

I suppose I am human enough that I would just choose a different, but equally as stupid, set of mistakes. Isn't that as life is?

Anyway, I am glad to be home and to have my stuff tucked away in my storage garage and my apartment. I left just one week after Tiffany moved out, so I still haven't been able to get settled. Even though I didn't move, it feels like it, as I am now able to slowly get my belongings out of storage. Danny and I made 3 trips to the garage right before I left, and loaded the car with his things. There are still boxes in the living room.

I wonder if by the time we are finally settled, will it be time to move again?? Oh how I miss having my own home, settled, and roots planted....

I Love The Atonement of Jesus Christ....

Yesterday's lesson in Relief Society was on sin and repentance. Two subjects I know far too well....

There are three kinds of sin:

Sin of Ignorance, where you really didn't know what you did was wrong until after the fact. Someone or something got hurt because of something you did, and although you didn't mean to do it, you still are responsible for making it right. The Atonement of Christ works very well in helping to take care of this one.

Sin of Weakness.... yep, I've got a lot of those... Weaknesses that is... I do a lot of stumbling around in this one. This is part of being human and thank goodness for the Atonement so that I can (with the Savior's help) grow those weaknesses into strengths.

Last there is Sin of Willful Disobedience.... I've done this too. Fell flat on my face in the mud and took a long time to get me cleaned up. Especially for this one am I grateful for the Atonement. It took a lot more work, but oh, how that work was worth it. The work wasn't for the Lord's benefit, it definitely was for mine.

We talked about Godly Sorrow in class. About how you can tell the difference between a false apology and one that is sincere. How Godly Sorrow is an important step towards being able to apply the Savior's Atonement and be cleansed.

I thought about my recent divorce. About my ex-husband. He has changed a lot over the last year and a half. I have seen the changes take place in him that tell me he is finally getting it.... he is figuring out how to draw on the Atonement for himself. Many people have prayed for this to happen. I am grateful those prayers are being answered.

The reason I divorced him was because he wasn't changing. I stayed with him for two years after his confession, hoping he would "get it" and make the changes necessary to reconcile himself to God. If he were reconciled to God, then there would be no problem with him being unfaithful to me.

I knew how easy it was to fall on your face, how that willful disobedience can be a wedge that grows until it consumes. How it is a flaxen cord that multiplies until it become a heavy rope that strangles. I knew all this from personal experience and I knew I could not expect mercy for me if I refused to give it to others. Especially him.

But he wouldn't do it.

He kept lying... He kept cheating... So finally I left...

At first he would say things like "I already said I was sorry." and "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?". He would get angry at me because I didn't trust him. He somehow thought it would be just a quick fix at his convenience and all would be well again... Not so.

The changes were gradual over the months. They began after the divorce was final. It was then that he finally realized I really wouldn't put up with it any more. First he was sincerely sorry, but mostly for himself. It was a start I told myself.

Then he started reflecting on how it must have been for me. WOW!! I didn't think that would ever happen. His apologies took on a new color. They were no longer all about him. They were actually about me, about the Lord, about others he had hurt. He pulled farther and farther away from himself and began to see the picture more clearly. He was finally getting it!

They say a leopard cannot change his spots. That may be true, but it is unfair to say that about a man. If you truly believe that about a person, then you do not believe Christ. They cannot both exist. One will nullify the other. I'm not saying it is easy, it certainly is hard work, but with the power of the Atonement, it is possible to completely shed the unfaithful heart and replace it with one that is completely reconciled to God.

And it doesn't have to take a long time to happen. What it really only requires is deep sincerity and commitment to God. It takes a real decision, without reservation, without holding onto anything from the past. It takes burying your swords, not just putting them away in the closet.

The people of Ammon did it. Both Alma the Elder and his son did it. The Nenevites did it. The Atonement applies to everyone, even a recovering sex addict.

I sincerely hope he continues on the path he is on. I sincerely hope he can find true happiness in his life. I realized yesterday that I really hope he is able to find someone to be faithful to, and that he continues to be faithful to her throughout the rest of his life. I hope this for him, without reservations or jealously that someone else will somehow reap benefit from the pain I endured.

In thinking about this I realized, I truly have forgiven him.

Drunk Drivers, Dentists, and Difficult Decisions...

This morning was spent in the dentist chair... again. I got two more teeth fixed. I was really nervous as to how much it was going to cost, because one of the teeth was worse off then he originally thought, so it required more work. It was the one and only root canal I had done a few years ago and the filling went bad. It had chipped so it looked like my tooth was broken. It looks great now, I am pleased.... except for the $248 I had to spend. I guess it could have been worse, he didn't have to crown the tooth. I am grateful it wasn't more.

Paying for all the dental work is beginning to make me nervous. I am beginning to rethink what I will get done and what I may postpone or cancel.

My income has taken a dive. I won't be receiving the back due child support for a while from my kid's dad. He was in a serious car accident and will be laid up for quite a while. Broke his arm and leg and then developed complications with blood clots. It was touch and go for a while, but it looks like he is out of the woods now. I am glad he is okay.

He was hit head on by a teenage drunk driver, with no insurance. I wonder if that kid even realizes how many lives have been affected by his poor choice? My ex-husband of course; the friends he is now having to stay with because he cannot take care of himself; His brother, who now has to take car of their mom (my ex was taking care of her); my kids, because he is their dad; and me, because I rely on the monthly payments to get by.

I am praying to be able to find a small job to fill in the gap. Not even sure where to begin with that. I do have a friend who has been asking around to her business associates if they have need for a little help.

For now, I will continue to take it a day at a time. And think about those hard decisions... There is really nothing else I can do. Except to continue to give Thanks to God for the blessings I do have. And I do have a lot, I cannot loose sight of that.

An Accomplished Day...

We accomplished a lot today.

The carpet has been cleaned as much as it will come clean. The markers did not come out. Little girls and permanent markers and carpet should never be put together. Especially if they hide their "artwork" under a throw rug so it isn't found and cleaned out right away. There is green in the livingroom and blue in the master bedroom. Although faded pretty light, you can still see the color in the sunlight.

Today was also Danny's birthday. He took yesterday and today off for that reason, but he didn't get to spend them as he had wanted. The good news is that the carpet cleaning is over and now they can dry. We have begun to bring our things out of storage.

One of the first things we brought out was my tv (thank you Jenny, I still have the big tv you gave me), as well as Danny's tv stand. He got the tv set up today and hooked it up to his Wii so we can watch streamed Netflix. Both of us suddenly felt like we were home. We just looked at each other and smiled. We gave each other a big hug. We are using our things now. It is familiar and comfortable.

We moved my grandmother's buffet out of the dining area into the living area. The little freezer also came out of the dining area. It will be put in a corner in Danny's room (he got the master bedroom, because his bed is bigger and that was the room Tiffany and the girls shared).

Then we experimented with arranging the tables in the dining area til I found a way I liked. I now have an "office" area to work! My computer was in here before, but it was really crowded. And being that I shared the space with a freezer and the buffet, it was not dedicated to just me. I will be able to bring out my craft supplies again and begin a project or two. Chris already has something he wants me to get started on. And things are going to stay where I put them. This is going to be fun!!

I also decided to re-arrange my room. I like it much better now, and will more so when I am done. I have bookshelves to take out and a dresser to bring out of storage. I even have some pretty lace curtains to put on the window that my mom gave to me. I have the curtain rod and pull backs already, just have not been able to use them. Now I can.

This is really exciting to me. After 2 years of feeling like I was living in someone else's home, I finally feel like I am in my home. I am sure Tiffany is feeling that way too.... it is really hard to share a home with another adult woman. I didn't realize how hard until I had to do it. I am grateful to her for sharing with me when I needed the help. She did sacrifice something there for me.

There is still a lot of work to do. The apartment is still upside-down, so to speak. I can't get into the dishwasher or the oven right now because the freezer is blocking them. The carpet is still a bit wet and the bottom of the freezer would rust on it, so we have to wait until it is very dry.

There are boxes from storage to unpack, furniture to arrange, shelves to put up. There are more things still in storage to bring out. There is still a lot of work and we are happy to be doing it.

I think we will both sleep well tonight.

Time To Say Welcome and Thank You!

I'm not sure if I will have time to write a regular blog entry today, Danny and I are working to get the rest of Tiffany's things packed up and get the carpet shampooed. He took today and tomorrow off so hopefully after these two days we will feel so much more "moved in".

So, I decided to take this moment to say thank you to all my readers and followers. Today I came on and saw my 11th follower signed up. Welcome Vera!! Welcome to all of you. First there was my mom and Tiffany, then my brother Stan and lifetime friend Wes, Then Tina, my niece by a marriage that no longer exists. Also came my middle daughter Bridgette, her friends (and mine now), Fawn & Lindsay. And two friends I have met over the last few years, Jenny and Sharon.

Welcome to you all. Thank you for letting me into your lives and taking the time to read my little ramblings.

For those anonymous followers, I welcome you too. I believe I know who a few of you are, but since you have not chosen to be public, I don't feel at liberty to mention you by name. I'm hoping that you might decide you are comfortable enough to change from anonymous to public at some future time, but even if not, I am glad you are here. I wish the site would allow me to at least know the number of anonymous followers I have, but alas, it does not.

For those who just pop in from Facebook, I invite you to become a follower as well. It does require you set up your own account, but you don't have to use it. Then again, you might find out how fun it is to sit and write to the world about your day.

Please come back and visit often. And I have changed the comment requirements, so that anyone can leave a comment. They still have to be moderated, but you no longer have to have an account to leave a comment. I welcome comments. Comments let me know you have been here.

Please also feel free to share my blog with your friends. The more the merrier!!

There is a method to my madness. Many friends, including some of you my followers, have encouraged me to write, and to write big. The more people I have reading what I write, the more courage I will develop to take the next step. I really do want to take the next step.

Thank you again. Have a great day.

Sandy

What Can Be Done?

A friend of mine had a disturbing experience yesterday. I don't know the details, but what she told was that she witnessed some creep of a dad berate, humiliate, and bombard with violent words, his young daughter. She can't get the image of the sadness in the girl's eyes out of her head.

What can a person do when experiencing something like that in public? The man was "agitated", and my friend had her precious little granddaughter with her. Her first priority was to protect her granddaughter, so what could she do for the stranger child? I suspect the dad was much more than just "agitated", so to have stepped forward would have put herself and her granddaughter in danger.

I'm sure my friend would have risked herself, had she been alone. She is that kind of person, not taking guff from others. But that was not how she found herself at that moment in time. Now she can't seem to let go, replaying the experience in her mind, wanting to change what happened.

What can a person do? How do we rectify such an experience?

When I was going through child abuse recovery, sometimes I felt so vulnerable, so exposed, so helpless. I desperately wanted to feel some kind of control in my life. As an abused child, I had virtually no control over my life. I was humiliated, berated, beaten, molested and abandoned almost on a daily basis. As an adult, those experiences haunted me, often subconsciously, and I couldn't seem to be able to stop those experiences from dominating my behavior in the hear-and-now. In recovery I was beginning to find sanity among the chaos, but I still felt so sad that others had, and were in the present, experiencing the hell I had survived.

So I did the only thing I could think of doing... I prayed... Not for me, but for some unknown little girl somewhere. Would Heavenly Father find a girl somewhere, who was in danger of having a horrible, traumatic experience, and protect her? Would he stop, before it started, a night of hell so that, for at least this one moment in time, she could have a peaceful night?

I knew I couldn't stop it all, God has to let man exercise his free will, even at the expense of innocence, in order to pronounce a fair judgment. But I could do my little something in my small way, to make a difference for someone I would never meet.

That prayer always left me with a feeling of peace. I was comforted that my prayer was heard and acted upon. Somewhere, some little girl had a pocket of peace in her life.

I will pray for both my friend, and the little girl, that Heavenly Father will comfort them both. May that little girl, somehow, find a pocket of peace. I will pray for the father too, that he may come to realize what he doing. That he is working to destroy a precious daughter of God and he just can't do that anymore. It has to stop. And if he doesn't stop on his own, then I pray that the authorities will intervene and protect that precious little girl.

Please remember them in your prayers too.

Starting New...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life....

I remember hearing that phrase when I was a kid. It never really meant anything to me, at least not before today.

Today is the first day that I am the Lady of the House again. After almost 2 years of stepping back because it wasn't my home, I am back on my throne! Just kidding, but it did sound kinda good to me.

I've spent the day just enjoying myself. It was the first day of General Conference, so that of course was included. It was also a beautiful Autumn day.

I went to the dollar store today to see if I could fill in some of the kitchen gadget gaps created by Tiffany moving out.

I should have known better. I was feeling really good so.... WHAM!!! I fell in love!!

No, not a man.....

DISHES!!!

I love Autumn. I love the color of the trees. I love the wind and the rain. Autumn reminds me of freshly baked bread and hot cocoa after a long day at school. I have good memories of Autumn. I missed Autumn in Arizona. In Arizona there really are no definitive seasons, and certainly no Autumn.

In my younger years, Autumn meant time to gather walnuts. Picking up walnuts is dirty work. It involves a slimy outer hull that will turn your hands black. I didn't wear gloves, I have never liked wearing gloves. I'm a kinestetic person (I know, spelling is probably wrong, but Wikipedia is down and my dictionary is still packed away in some anonymous box). Anyway, I like to feel what I am doing, to experience through touch, so despite the black slime, I just never used gloves.

But, I would step on the nuts to smear them in the grass in an attempt to minimize the slime. It was worth it, they are soooo good. Later, I discovered that if I cracked and shelled them raw, then dried them in the dehydrator, they would not aquire a bitter taste. They were so good. Did I already say that? We had 6 English walnut trees surrounding the house. I would shell about 1 or so quarts a night, dry them, then put them in the freezer. By the end of the season I usually had 3 or 4 gallons of shelled walnuts!!! I had a small fortune in nuts at my disposal.

At this time we lived in my childhood house. I lived there with my parents from 4th grade to when I got married the first time. Then, after my dad died, I returned with my husband and children. My last 2 babies were born while I lived at that house.

We were poor, so I used the walnuts to make Christmas presents. I gave away walnut toffee for Christmas. I made Oatmeal cookies with walnuts. I even gave away small bags of walnuts. They were a treasure to me, but I did share them. My first husband would give them away to his friends and I would get so mad. He didn't have the right to give away MY hard work. I told him he could pick up the walnuts, shell them, dry them, then he was free to give them away..... He stopped giving my walnuts away, but he never did do any for himself.

Anyway, back to today, I walked into the dollar store and fell in love with something that reminded me of my favorite season of the year. There are imperfections in the dishes, but I don't care. Life has imperfections, that's one of the reasons it can be so interesting...

I'm going to enjoy my new dishes. We didn't need dishes, but since I fell in love I couldn't very well leave them behind.

As I stated in the beginning. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I feel like I have not just started a new chapter, I started a whole new book! Somehow it seems appropriate to have this start begin in Autumn, my favorite season of the year.

Middle Age....

Age...

I've written a bit about it, being that I just turned 50 and all.

A friend posted in Facebook: "How did we meet? (copy and paste this to your status and see who remembers!)".

So I did. An interesting conversation ensued.

I'm really not THAT old, I mean, 50 still has the potential for many, many more years to go. Maybe it's past the halfway mark, but I could still be around for another 30 or 40 years. And that is a lot of years still.

But in the conversation I realized that I had known some of my friends for 30 or 40 years! Wow, how could I be old enough to mark my friendships in so many decades?

Is this what it means to be "middle aged". To be able to look back at decades of life? To look forward and realize that there are more years behind than in front?

As I think about it I realize I am okay with it. My life has been a roller-coaster ride, that is for sure. I have survived an abusive childhood, been raped more than once, had my life threatened at gun point, knife point and forced drowning. I have been married twice to unfaithful men, and have struggled with the consequences of poorly made decisions.



But I have also had the joy of raising 6 incredible children. Each one has been a blessing and source of growth for me. They all have qualities I admire. I see things in them I would like to make better in me. Even Bobby, my autistic son who will probably never really grow up, shows me courage to face the scary unknown, to reach outside his very small comfort zone and breath in a new day. Every day.

If I had it to do over again, I'm not sure I would change anything. Each of my experiences has made an impact on me. They have helped to shape who I am. Some of it may not be good, but it is in the trials that we find the need for Christ in our lives. Each day I realize so much more how much I need my Savior in my life.

I think Middle Age also means letting go of the craziness of having a house full of little ones. It's time to move on. It's time to take my focus off taking care of others and really learn to take care of me. Because of my health I think it is obvious I didn't pay enough attention to me in my youth.

Today is moving day for Tiffany and her girls. Tonight the house will be quiet. Tonight I can leave something out and not be afraid it won't be there in the morning (or in 2 minutes). Tonight I will again be the only woman in the house. For those who have never done it, sharing a home with another adult woman is not the same as sharing it with children... or a man.

I'm going to miss them. It will take some getting used to the quiet and lack of craziness. But I'm middle aged now, and I'm moving on.

Changes...

I was going to say in this post that there isn't a whole lot to share.... but that isn't true.

Tiffany is moving out tomorrow with her two girls. The apartment is going to be a whole log quieter, and things will stay where I leave them.

I just got home from a counseling appointment and thought I ought to eat, since I didn't get breakfast. The apartment was quiet, so I thought the girls and Tiffany were taking a nap.

I went to the fridge and took out 2 eggs to cook them. I placed them on the counter, started the butter melting in the pan, and sat down at my computer to start this. When the butter was melted and ready, I returned for the eggs but one was missing. I KNEW I had taken out 2 eggs. I checked the counter, the floor.. nothing. I checked by my computer, the other counter... heck, I even looked in the sink! Nothing. Was I loosing my mind?

Just then I saw the almost 3-yr-old. She was butt naked... nada... zip...

She turned and ran back out of the kitchen. I followed her back to her room, and as I rounded the corner, the 4-yr-old was standing in the hall.... the uncracked white egg in her hand.

"Here" was all she said.

Yes, things will stay where I leave them.

I HATE TESTS!!!!!!!

I woke up this morning feeling very nervous. I was fretting again. My body was actually shaking!!

I've been doing that a lot lately.

Feeling anxiety, worried, almost paralyzed.

What could be causing me so much negativity?

A test. A lousy 35 question Knowledge Test for the Oregon DMV!!! I've put that test off for months.... many months....But election day is coming up and I needed to get my residency changed so I could register to vote. Oregon requires all new residents to take this test, no matter how long they have been driving or whether or not they had taken the Oregon test before. In my case I had, since I began my driving career in Oregon. It is my civic duty to vote, and my duty to God, so therefore, I needed to get the test behind me.

I thought about that test and couldn't eat... couldn't sleep.... couldn't think.

I read the manual.......all 113 pages of it. But dang if I couldn't remember what I had read!!

I took the online 10 question test and got only 7 right! I failed the practice test!! I really hate tests.

When I was first in college, I took a course on how to go to college. I fretted over that class too. The instructor laughed at me, said I needed to give myself more credit... I passed the final exam (the only one) with 100%. Maybe I should remember his words more.

I fretted over the Nutrition course I took too. I passed that course with a 99% and got on the Dean's list. I now have a certificate in Holistic Nurtition, officially a Nutritional Consultant. I can put NC after my name if I want. I did very well, but I still doubt myself.

I really prayed this morning for help. I would be needing Divine help in a big way. Today was the day I was going to take that test!

All in all, I spent 3 hours at the DMV today. The first half was spent waiting to take the test. Finally, my turn...

I asked for a paper test, not the computer one. There were more people taking the paper test than the computer one, so I was glad I wasn't the only one who wanted to take it that way. I guessed at a few of the answers, but was confident with most of them that I knew the right answers.

When I was done, I gave the worker my test and sat down. I watched him score a test, I thought it was mine, but he kept crossing off answers. I thought, how could I have missed so many??? Then he called a teenage girl to the counter... Whew!! It wasn't mine... She failed...

I continued to wait. Someone who had taken the computer test finished and he took care of her.... I still waited. He started to score another test, then got interrupted again.

Dang!! The suspense was about killing me!!

Finally, uninterrupted, he scored the next test.... He only marked 2 wrong.... I really hoped that was my test! I prayed it was MY test. Yes, I really did pray that it was my test...

Then he called my name!!!! Oh, the joy of hearing my name at the DMV!!

I got a 94%. I asked him which ones I missed... He smiled and said, "I know, pride." No, I honestly was curious... He said "you did very well, so don't worry about it." Then he smiled and took my $60.

I am now officially an Oregon resident. The last thing I had to change to put Arizona behind me. And before I left the DMV office, I filled out the voter registration card. Two birds with one VERY LARGE STONE!!

I want to celebrate. I'm kinda wishing I had a guy to call to go out to dinner with. Hmmmm...

Overcoming Fears...

You know what? I think Heavenly Father feels I'm ready to overcome some of my fears.

You ask why I would say that? Because those fears are really becoming a nuisance to me. They seem to be growing and paralyzing me more. It is almost insane how things that used to not be a problem are now feeling like Mt. Everest to climb.

I have found that God's way of dealing with an issue is to put me in the fire. I definitely have been feeling the heat lately.

Take my interest in herbology. I am fascinated by natural medicine. I strongly believe that God put every answer to man's aliments on the earth in natural form. One example would be how whenever you find a poisonous plant in the wild, you will find it's antidote very close by. God knows what we need and he has taken care of us.

So how does this relate to my fears? I have a ridiculous fear of poisoning myself. I'm not talking about haphazardly eating whatever I find, I am talking about using proven medicinal herbs (often ones I have used for years) to help bring balance back to my body. Lately, I have become afraid of them. Lately the "what if's" have been screaming at me.

The "what if's" are voices given to what really is nonsense by the FDA. A government agency that is determined to control minute parts of our lives. I don't believe in the FDA, so why would I let those voices take root?

Probably because their voices sound way to close to my father's voice.

My dad instilled in me a fear of just about everything. He was afraid of botulism, so he did a pretty good job of making me afraid to can my own vegetables. He was afraid of a pressure cooker exploding, so now I just can't bring myself to use one. I have been given at least two in my life, both I gave away, unused.

I sometimes wonder if my dad were afraid of his own shadow. I'm not saying that in joke either. He had a lot of fears and I inherited a good amount of them.

Time to clean out my inheritance.

I won't say "bring it on", that would be just asking for trouble. I will say I am going to take a day at a time, spend more time leaning on my Heavenly Father who does know what is good or bad for me, and practice deep breathing.

Girl's Day Out........

Today was "girl's day out"

What did we do? We saw Eclispe again. I never thought I would be so caught up in a love story about a vampire. Why do I like it so much?

I think it is because Edward is so faithful. Everything he does is for Bella's safety. Even when he left it was to attempt to keep her safe, as misguided as that decision was. There is no doubt that he loves her. There is no doubt he has no desire what-so-ever to look elsewhere.

What a novel idea!!

I have to believe there is some guy (single) out there who is capable of being just as faithful. It doesn't only just happen in the movies. That can be a part of real life.

I think I'm getting closer to being ready to consider the possibility of maybe shutting down the "stay clear away from me if you value your life" vibes.

Hmmm... is it possible I could find someone and have a healthy relationship?

One day at a time.

Walking...

I just talked to my mom on the phone. She was happy and it felt good to hear the lightness in her voice.

This is a wonderful change over last week. Last week she was awaiting surgery. Last week we were all worried. She had a damaged and partially blocked artery in her neck. It was scary. The surgeon stated to her that a successful procedure was almost 100% (a surgeon cannot promise 100%), but she and those who love here were concerned.

She just returned from her follow-up visit. He told her the best way to keep this from happening again, and to clean out the other patches that she has, was to walk. Simple, free, effective. He told her to walk EVERY DAY, for at least a 1/2 hour straight. Nothing less, because less would do no good. It doesn't matter how fast or slow, just keep walking.

I've been somewhat doing that already. Not every day, but I have been walking. I'm going to get back into it more and keep myself going.

I do question the all-or-nothing thinking a bit though. I cannot see getting full benefit at half an hour and nothing with less time spent walking. Or no benefit for the days walked if you skip a day. I would think this would be on a curve, with half an hour and every day being the ideal. But then again, there is the day of rest the Lord has commanded us to take. Resting the body has been proven to help it to regenerate.

I believe diet would also be a component in preventing ulcerated and clogged arteries. Yet her doctor did not mention diet at all. Vitamin C would be a good thing, because Vitamin C is the main component in the manufacture of collagen. Collagen is what makes cells elastic, to be able have give and take, to be flexible and to bounce back. Lack of collagen causes cell breakdown, which is what scurvy is, extreme cell breakdown from lack of collagen. That is why Vitamin C is the cure for scurvy. Artery disease is a less drastic form of scurvy, the cells just haven't broken down that far, but they have broken down.

The collected cholesterol that causes the blockages in arteries is the bandaid patch the body puts on the broken down part. Repair the damage to the cells, and the bandaid is removed. Neglect the damaged cells, and additional bandages are put on.

I keep thinking about how simple God has made our lives and our bodies, and how complicated we seem to mess it up. Walking. A really good thing a person can do for their body for so many reasons.

On A Roll!!!

Wow! I'm on a roll!! Two days of "Ahh Ha!!" in a row!!!

I guess you could say I got even a bigger picture, and what I see now has left me feeling a bit disappointed in myself. The disappointment comes not from what I accomplished, but for how long it took me to get there.

You see, that spiritual leader that mistreated me wasn't the first, and there was one more after him. I think the Lord really had this thought out for a long time.

A very long time...

Somewhere between 18 and 20 years ago...

I was in child abuse recovery, my life was pretty much upside down. I was still married to my first husband. I was depressed, suicidal, and unpredictable. I had a bishop who I dearly loved. He was there for me. He was my source of strength. He went the many extra miles to understand me and help me. He put me into counseling.

One night I was at a ward function. It was some kind of a dinner. There were several other couples at my table. One of the men started bragging about having "inside" information. I didn't like him so I was not really listening. Until he told what his information was. My beloved bishop was going to be released the following day.

My world came crashing down around me. I was devastated. I became hysterical. I ran out of the building and collapsed on the ground. I was crying and shaking and screaming. Not very grown up of me I know, but like I said, I was a mess already.

A friend followed me out and talked with me for a while. She was kind and gentle with me. I am so grateful for those kinds of friends. She calmed me down and then asked me if she could leave me for a few minutes. I said I was okay. When she returned she told me that my beloved bishop was in his office and he would like to talk to me for a bit. By this time I was feeling really foolish for my behavior, but I agreed to talk to him. He had never belittled me, and I didn't think he would do that now.

We talked, and he did his best to reassure me that my life would go on. Yes, a new bishop would be called, but it was going to be okay. Then he offered to give me a blessing. I accepted. I do not remember much of the blessing, except for one line... "There are those who are in position to help you, but they will hurt you instead". I know I was given instructions on how to deal with this, but I didn't hear them. I got stuck on the hurting me part.

Then I got the same words in another blessing, administered by another priesthood holder. Then again by another. All in all, I heard those words 6 times!!! And each time I got stuck on the "hurt you" part and didn't hear the instructions on what to do about it. I was not equipped to handle what was coming and it was not the Lord's fault. He tried really hard, it was me who was messing it up. Fear kept taking over and faith flew out the window.

Well, sure to the warnings, I started having a difficult time with my leaders. After the third bishop that I could not see eye to eye with, I started calling it my "trial of the bishops". It was too. But now I can see that I was the one blowing things out of proportion. After all, they were human too and having their own earthly experience with it's ups and downs. There may have been lack of understanding, unfeeling words and unkindness towards me, but the problem in the situations was me. I never saw that before today.

That trauma bond needed to be broken.

I now know the gist of the instructions that were given to me. The other part of those blessings that I received 6 times. The instructions were "Look to the Lord for strength. Seek Him out in all things, use His guidance, His love for me, to help me through my trials. Listen to the Lord before I listen to others."

I could have saved myself almost two decades of pain and grief had I kept my ears open to the whole blessing.

I didn't realize until this morning just how stubborn and difficult I have been. That is where I have been disappointed in myself. Why did I take so long to get it? Why did I have to be shattered before I finally learned to turn to the Lord with all of me? I now see that I kept holding a part of me back. I wasn't trusting my Savior enough. There is a difference between believing in Christ and believing Christ. I did the former with no problem, it was the latter I wasn't doing.

But I can do it now.

So... I'm going to stop being disappointed in myself. What's done is done. Instead, I'm going to be grateful that it didn't take me another decade to figure it out.

I find myself so amazed at God's love for me. I have been such a temperamental and difficult child. He never gave up on me. He kept pushing, but was careful to not violate my agency. I could never tell Him enough how grateful I am. But He knows that, so I will give him all I am. I am grateful that is enough.

PS....
I figured out how to change this blog so anyone can leave a comment. So, feel free to comment to your heart's content...it will still go to moderation, but you no longer have to have an account to be able to comment.

An "Ahh Ha" moment

I had an epifany... ephiphany...you know, that time when you go Ahh Ha!! That's why that is the way it is!!

I had an experience several years ago where I was mistreated in a way that caused me great struggle. This mistreatment happened within the capacity of someone who was a spiritual leader, and some things were said to me that were plain not true. Those untruths caused me great pain and struggle. I have often wondered why the Lord let that experience happen to me the way that it did. Yesterday, the puzzle came together, and I gained a deeper appreciation for the Lord and His way of doing things.

I have had A LOT of baggage in my life. I grew up with an abusive father, not just a little, but probably to the full capacity that he was able to inflict. One of the things he did was work to destroy my relationship with anything good. Literally. He distorted and crazymade Gospel principals, he made them appear to be the opposite of what they really were.

Another thing he did was ingrain in me a need to submit myself to male authority figures. It didn't matter who they were, or how I perceived them as an authority. If there was even a slight chance a kind of authority could be obtained, they had it. And I was subject to them. I got myself in to a lot of trouble through the years because of that tweeking of my brain. Although I would get angry that I was being controlled yet again, I felt powerless to stop it. I obeyed.

The reason that mistreatment had any real effect on me was because of this problem I had. I have realized it was a kind of trauma bond my father had created in me, and trauma bonds are really hard to break.

The Lord wanted that trauma bond broken. He knew it was causing me not only pain, but it was causing me to sin. I obeyed where I should not have obeyed. I submitted where it was wrong. I did not feel I had power over me and the Lord wanted me to learn that I did. I did not have to follow or obey a man just because. Not all men had authority over me and if they did, because of a calling or some other legitimate reason, that alone was not enough to require me to follow. RIGHTEOUSNESS was a really important factor, and my dad left that one out completely.

In order to get through that really nightmarish experience that I had, which included among other things, the mistreatment I received, I had to learn to focus on just the Lord. When I shifted my focus to the untruths said to me, I would spiral downward into a deep and dark abyss. When I chose to shut my ears to the words inflicted at me and see and hear only Christ, my hope would return and I would be okay. Learning to focus on only Christ broke the trauma bond. The compulsion to follow whatever a male said to me became weaker and weaker until it broke. I learned to have a proper perspective when it comes to "male authority". Just because he is male does not mean I have to follow. Simple enough, but it took a long time for me to get that concept integrated into me. I have been pretty much free of that compulsion for several years now, and it feels good.

In summary, I had a trauma bond, the Lord wanted that trauma bond broken. So the Lord allowed a strong "male authority figure" to mistreat me so that I would have to turn to Him for strength. There was no middle ground. To break the trauma bond I had to unhook from the compulsion to follow the words of a male and shift my focus to the Lord.

The road I had to walk was neither easy or short. It took several years to overcome the consequences of the above mentioned experience. My reflection back on that time, now that it is over, carries a sweet and soft place in my heart. I am grateful beyond words to the Lord, for His love for me. That He loves me enough to have allowed that experience to happen to me in the way that it did in order to save me. The goal was always to save me.

A Peek Inside...

It's been a long time since I have posted anything.

I'm really not sure what is going on. I have been struggling with anxiety off and on for a year, and lately it has been a lot more on than off. I don't understand it. I don't know why this is happening.

In the wee hours of the morning I was thinking about this. I am a fear based person. That is a fact I have been trying to change for years. I have come far, but not far enough. I still exist in fear at times, which is where the anxiety takes hold.

I am trying to be a faith based person. I know fear and faith cannot co-exist. I know when I pray and really concentrate on my Savior and on the Atonement, I calm down. Sometimes it hard to get calm enough to even start praying. My heart starts racing without warning, I spiral down into a deep abyss. It takes all I have inside me to breathe. I usually end up taking a pill.

Today is one of those days I'm going to have to take a pill, maybe more than once in the day. I don't like taking pills. I don't like that I am so weak.

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I do think it is connected to my hormones. There seems to be a pattern I am recognizing. I think guys have it so much easier than girls.

I can't, God can, I will let Him.

I think I want to go back to Montana.......