Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Danny and I got in the car this morning to take him to work..... We said our prayer, thankful for the car and that it has been running properly. Thankful for Danny's job. Please bless us today that this car gets us to where we need to go in safety.

I began to back out of the parking space and then we heard it..... G.R.I.N.D......

We looked at each other... the look of horror on each others faces to see. I stopped... We listened... The sound settled down. So I continued to drive. We got as far as the street, and Danny said "pull over and pop the hood please". I did.

He stood there looking at the engine. He knew that sound was familiar, but couldn't quite place it. It settled down again, so he dropped the hood and we drove off again.

We got to the end of our street, and pulled onto Beaverton/Hillsdale Hwy.

G.R.I.N.D again.

"Pull over again", so I pulled into the Target parking lot. It was just about 7am. We listened again, and it was familiar to me too.

"That sounds like Bridgette's van. Her power steering is having problems".

Danny smiled, "I knew that sounded familiar." He checked the power steering fluid. First he had to find it, but being that it clearly says "power steering, do not overfill" on the cap, it was easy to find.

The reservoir was low, just below the low mark. We smiled. There is a gas station on Canyon, just two blocks away. They will be open and we can get some fluid.

I drove carefully to the gas station. Danny was able to purchase a quart of power steering fluid for $5. A bit pricey, but so much cheaper than a new power steering unit. He put the fluid in to the full mark. I drove away, and no more G.R.I.N.D....... just a nice, quiet purr.

Thank you Lord, for blessing us today. Thank you for protecting this car that we need to continue to run. Thank you for making sure we were able to "correct" before a major repair would be needed. Thank you for having this happen today, when I am leaving in two days for Montana. Thank you Lord, for keeping us safe. For how mindful of us you truly are.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Life Can Be Good....

There have been so many changes in me over the last year. Some of them have been recorded here. I wish I had been better at keeping track of myself, but life happens whether I pay attention or not. My life is good right now. Not that all is going smoothly, but I am not having panic attacks over what isn't.

I haven't panicked that my second husband lost his job. He is still paying me alimony that I am sorely in need of. No money from him this month.

I haven't panicked that my first husband is having health issues and will be out of commission for probably 4 months. I doubt there will be any money from him for those months.

I haven't panicked that the shocks are about as bad as they can get on the car and is costing almost $200 to repair... just for parts. Danny will be installing them when they arrive, which is supposed to be tomorrow.

I haven't panicked and God has been good to me, I think because I have been using faith instead of fear.

I finished filling out the application to become a "Domestic Employee". That means I can get paid to do what I already do in taking care of Bobby. This is going to be nice, as there are times that taking care of him are .... well..... difficult. Difficult is the right word, right Bridgette? And as listed above, the income is sorely needed.

I love Bobby, don't ever doubt that. But sometimes he is insatiable. He wants and he wants and he wants. I'm really not sure he understands others have needs too. Oh well. That's Bobby.

I also got my fingerprinting done, to be sent in with the application. That way I don't have to wait until they ask for it and hopefully cut off some time waiting for approval. I did a fingerprinting a few months ago for DHS childcare, but ended up not doing the job. But they cannot share background checks, so I had to do it again. My pinky finger on my left hand did not want to co-operate, so I hope the fingerprints are accepted. She tried 7 or 8 times, but my hand was just too dry. I'm sending a prayer along with the package that I don't have to do it again.

I'm heading back to Montana in a few days. Yep, you read that right. Remember when I said I think I left something behind? I did, and there is something there waiting for me to claim in return. I am driving again, but this time Danny is not going with me. I have asked a friend to ride along, as I really am not comfortable going alone. It is a 12 hour drive. Bobby is going with me, but he really doesn't count.

The plan was to leave on Monday, but with the shocks coming tomorrow or Wednesday, and my mom really doesn't want me to be on the road during Labor Day Weekend, we will probably be leaving Friday. Yea, I know, the beginning of the weekend. But most people are still working Friday. Monday is the day everyone has off.

I've arranged for a ride to work for Danny on Monday. He has to work on Labor Day, and the buses are not running til later in the morning. I feel kinda guilty that he is having to ride the bus for the time I am gone, but he has done it before. I do need to let go of that one.

Wish me well.... this trip is an important one.

I think there are more changes in store for the future....

Thursday, August 25, 2011

A Little Note of Thanks...

I love the way God works. He might get us from point "A" to point "B", but it is rarely in a straight line. Usually there is point "A1", "A2", "A3", etc.

I am finding I have been on one of those journeys myself lately.

My 3M (you have to do some thinking and back reading to figure out what that means) has been in my life for a year now. But I certainly did not walk a straight line from where I was to where I am today.

The journey has had some pain, frustration, and a fair amount of heart-felt prayer along the way. I thought the Lord was leading me down one way, but other circumstances told me differently. As I look back on that experience, I can see the much needed growth. I REALLY NEEDED that growth.

I am so grateful to the Lord for seeing in me the places where I need the rough edges chipped off, and smoothed over. No criticism, just matter-of-fact work.

How can I not love Him for the way he handles me?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Searching..... Searching..... Searching.....

I spent the day at Bridgette's today. She had to find the title to a truck they are trying to sell. Since she is so busy she multitasks with sleep, (meaning she gets very little), I offered to help.

We went through so many boxes of mail waiting to be filed, shredded, or just thrown away. Once upon a time she was very organized, but kids and school and garden and house and not enough hours in the day have caught up with her. We never did find the title while I was there. But we had a good time talking and sharing things in our hearts. I got to do a little "bonding" with my daughter today.

I took Bobby with me because I am just not comfortable leaving him home alone all day. He drove me nuts. Every so often he would come and "casually" remind me it was Tuesday and we need to go to Bi-Mart... Or ask when we were going to eat next... Or when are we going to go home... or he's excited cause he is going to earn enough points soon to be able to make another trip to Toys R Us. (He earns points by doing chores). I finally told him I was going to dock him some points if he didn't stop bugging me.

He stopped... sorta.

On the way home I kinda lost it at him. I didn't yell or anything, just let him know I was tired and really didn't want to hear about it any more.

So now he's having a bad day....

Kinda reminds me of a certain 5-yr-old grand daughter.

After we got home I told him he really needs to learn to start thinking of others. I was trying to help his sister and all I ended up feeling was frustration and annoyance at him.

More 5-year-old attitude...

But I have to give him credit. He didn't melt down... He didn't even fully cry...

And about an hour later he came to me and sorta apologized.

All is forgiven, it was a long time ago. I guess sometimes I just wish I had a 21-yr-old son and not a forever 5-yr-old.

Bridgette sent me a text. She found the title. Quite an astounding place where she found it too...

In the file cabinet, in a file folder. It never occurred to me to look there....

For someone who just took a vacation, I think I need to do it again.

Oh well.... I'm going back on Friday to help her find that wonderfully organized daughter I once knew before the children, and classes, and garden, and lack of sleep and time took her away.

I'm pretty confident we will find her, or at least catch a glimpse. And this time Bobby gets to stay home....

PS... they sold the truck!!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Silly Mom

This lack of a brain is starting to get to me.

I think the main problem is that I am forgetting to eat. After 20 hours of not replenishing the supplies, the brain will get rather foggy.

I forgot my phone today..... I actually left the house without it and didn't even realize it until I wanted to use it. My phone is always nearby.....

I miss turns while driving....

I'm saying really stupid things..... half sentences.

I'm forgetting to eat.... I really don't want to eat.... perfectly happy drifting off into lala land.....

Except I really need to function.

My kids are laughing at me. Silly mom.

The funny thing about all this...... the Montana Mountain Man is having the same problem. :-)

Friday, August 19, 2011


Hmmmmm, maybe I've been away too long and I lost everyone :-(

Does anyone read this anymore???

Please comment if you do.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

This Time I'm Leading.....

I really need to do a better job at remembering what it is that I think I want to write about. I'm suffering from a major case of blank brain syndrome..... focus is becoming rather difficult.

The weather has been nice this summer. Not too hot. Even during my last trip to Montana. We got back last Friday. Mom keeps telling me it is unusual for the roadsides to be so green. I've been there 3 times over the last year or so, and each time she has said that to me.

Maybe I'm a good luck charm?

I think I may go back again really soon.... I think I may have left something behind.

But if I go back, the rest of it may find a new home there too....

Why is life.... and matters of the heart..... so complicated???

And why is it the Montana Mountain Man doesn't frighten me anymore????

I ordered a movie on Netflix when I left so it would be here when we got back. It was recommended by two different friends. It is called "Fireproof" and it a fantastic movie! I watched it the day after we returned. A few days later I was in church and my bishop's wife was teaching the Relief Society lesson. She mentioned having watched "Fireproof" on tv the night before and recommended it too... A lot of women in the room chimed in what a good movie it was. It is about love, marriage, and putting God right smack dab in the middle of it all. It presents an idea, a challenge... A Love Dare... I would like to quote a part of it:

"If you accept this dare, you must take the view that instead of following your heart, you are choosing to lead it. The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is. The Bible says that “the heart is deceitful above all things,” and it will pursue that which feels right at the moment.

We dare you to think differently, and to choose to lead your heart toward that which is best in the long run. This is a key to lasting, fulfilling relationships.

That movie, and the Love Dare, has left me pondering. I have followed my heart before.... and it left me shattered. I'd been afraid to open my heart back up, afraid it would happen again. It never occurred to me that the problem wasn't my heart, it was that I was allowing it to lead me instead of me lead it. Love is a decision.... not an accident. I don't need to be afraid of it anymore.

I think I have been doing this all along this last time and didn't realize it. I've been guiding my heart and taking my time. No falling this time, just a gentle glide towards something and someone that is really good.

No..... he doesn't frighten me anymore.

(see 11/24/10, "Crashes.... Bears... & Flirts...")

Monday, August 1, 2011

Am I Still Here?

I've tried so many times to get something written here.

I keep failing.

That is how I am feeling now, a failure.

I'm getting scared. I need to find something to replace the alimony which ends next May. I am at a loss as to what to do.... What I CAN do....

I stress over the smallest things... Life frightens me.... I really need to get over this.

I divorced 2 and a half years ago. I was told to wait 2 years before I considered entering into another relationship. That was easy, no one was interested.

There is still no one interested. I have yet to go out on a single date.

I am feeling like a failure on so many levels.

I am reaping the consequences of past decisions. I chose to marry young, without getting a college degree. I started my family right away, because that is what I wanted. I raised my children alone, because their dad turned out to be irresponsible, abusive, unfaithful.

I found out about a job today that can be done from home... but I don't qualify.... I need a college degree. I don't have one. I tried once, after my first marriage failed, but after the first year I collapsed, at the school. That was when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It took me 3 weeks to be able to get out of bed. The doctor told me to reduce the stress in my life....

How does a single mother with 6 children, the youngest being autistic, reduce the stress in her life?

My situation is different now. My children are all grown... well, mostly grown. Bobby is back with me, he will always be dependent on someone I think. That is okay, he is not difficult for me, just changes my schedule.

I am pleased how my children turned out. They are taking care of themselves. They are raising their own families.

Yet I am still very stressed. My muscles in my neck are so tight they are beginning to cause me big problems. Headaches, I have difficulty with my right arm. It hurts all the time. It wakes me up at night, throbbing. My chiropractor feels it will heal.... if I can get me to stop stressing so much....... I don't know how....

I feel like I am still carrying the world on my shoulders.

There was a time I went to Scotland all by myself. I drove 600 miles on the "wrong" side of the road. I stayed in youth hostles because they were cheaper than a hotel. I did it and I wasn't scared.

Now I'm scared of everything. I have to force myself to drive, and am very relieved when someone else offers. Mostly I pretend I'm not scared, then I get through it ok. Well, sorta... at least I get through it.

I think I lost a part of myself in my second divorce. The constant rejection... The lies... He has since apologized many, many times. I know he means it, yet I wonder if he really comprehends the hell I went through...

This is not depression.... this is over the top anxiety.... Depression focuses on the past... Anxiety, the future.... my problem definitely focuses on an uncertain future.

I've tried counseling. I ended up just getting irritated at the counselor. She kept saying I was being what I wasn't. I've done enough of it to know the ropes. To know when something is helping or just making it worse. She didn't help. I have gotten better, but because of the Lord, not the counselor.

I've raised my family... they turned out well....sometimes I wonder if I need someone to reach back and finally raise me.

or at least want me......

Ok, I admit it.... this is bad hormone week.....