Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Egg....

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses, and all the king's men
could not put Humpty Dumpty back together again....

But Humpty Dumpty wasn't lost,
He knew he's have to pay the cost.
To be rebuilt, from old to new
The King was the only one who could redo...

So all the king's horses, and all the king's men
stepped aside, the King entered in.
On bended knee and broken heart
Humpty gave his all, that was his part.

And with the lesson to not sit on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty was restored all.
And all the king's horses, and all the king's men,
rejoiced in their King and His power to win.

The King of Kings, the Lord of Lords,
He is the One who does restore.
So Humpty Dumpty is made whole,
By Jesus Christ, the King of all.

Now you know what kind of thinking my mind does at 3:30 am....

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Enough is Enough is Enough!!!

I'm sick of Political Correctness!!

If it can do as much damage to my son's happiness and well being as it has done... how much more can it do to a nation's happiness and well being?!

My son is almost 22. He is autistic... For him that means his ability to emotionally cope with his world is at about the capacity of a 7-yr-old..... TOPS. In some ways he is still like a 4-yr-old. Yet he continues to be indoctrinated by "well meaning" liberal types to believe he can do anything...

That is what he hears... it has created a very selfish personality.

I spoke with his Developmental Disabilities manager. She told me he can do anything... anything that is, with support. But I have to question the support... at what cost is that support given?

He has been told he has the right to go to college (his high school diploma is modified, he is unable to comprehend beyond the 7th grade level). So he can go to college, spend tax-payer money to pay the tuition because I certainly can't afford it. But wait, he can't go alone, he cannot be left unsupervised. Someone will have to attend his classes with him, monitor him, keep him from misbehaving and indulging his shoe fetish (which can have legal ramifications). DDD services won't cover that expense... they think I will?? They tell him he has the right to the support, but then dump it on my lap?

And despite that, he won't pass any college level classes. At some point in his "college career" he will fail.... he won't be able to attain a degree. It is simply not within his capacity to do this. He isn't stupid, he just does not comprehend enough to be able to achieve the goal.

And his goal is to become a movie producer.... can you just picture what that would look like? If you can't, let me assure you it wouldn't be pretty.

So mom ends up being the heavy... Mom is the one who has to say "no". My choices to supply the support are to either fork out the money or my time. I really don't have either to spare. I have given to him for 2 decades. At what point am I allowed to have my life back?

Is it selfish for me to say enough is enough?

He has been told he can have a girlfriend, get married, have a family.... with support.

OH MY GOSH!!! What kind of support does that look like??? He cannot take care of himself, let alone a family.... He wants that family with a lower functioning autistic girl (control issues at the very least are manifest here). I draw the line at being his mom, I will not take on a family he has been irresponsibly told he can create. Will DDD services step in and supply funds to support this choice? I don't think so, that's all we need.... government workers raising other people's families!!

Where is taking responsibility for oneself in Political Correctness?? I can't find it.

All this indoctrination has created in him selfishness. He wants so therefor he demands. He mopes and pouts and has meltdowns if he can't get his way. I mean MAJOR MELTDOWNS. He is unhappy if he does not get his way, every day, every hour.... every minute.

It is exhausting....

I've tried to teach my children to delay gratification. To earn what they have, to work towards meeting their wants.... The indoctrination has instilled in him an attitude of demanding his wants are met. Not the needs, the wants. As far as he is concerned, his wants are his needs.

So instead of creating a happy, satisfied, self-mastering environment for my son, Political Correctness has created a demanding, selfish, "I am all that matters" attitude. And with it a lot of unhappiness.

I think the same can be applied to society at large.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


December 16, 2011

Time is dragging...

I guess it is moving... just very s.l.o.w.l.y....

10 weeks to go....

That's 70 days...

In 1680 hours I will be on the train... on my way... actually approximately 1689 hours til the train pulls into Whitefish.

Add another approximately 12 hours and I will have a different last name!

I really hate waiting... if you have been following this blog at all you will know my life has been on hold for the last 3 years.

I am so looking forward to getting off the hold button. Now that the decisions have been made, I don't want to wait... I want to move forward with the decisions.

But there is still so much to do... I have my apartment to pack up and get ready to move. I want this done before I leave on the train... One less thing to weigh me down and keep me from enjoying my new life... My things may not be able to move til the weather warms up, but that is not going to stop me.

Yet I find myself focused on the waiting...

I will choose tonight to put my focus on gratitude.... I am grateful to have met my Montana Mountain Man... I am grateful to my Heavenly Father that he protected me from some very bad things that could have happened to me because of the actions of my ex-husband... I am grateful to be loved and to be able to love...

I am grateful to have the knowledge that my Savior is real... the Atonement is real... and life can be good.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Decisions.... Packing.... Moving Forward....

I started packing last night... I am doing this on faith...

Danny finally got his application for a Montana Pharmacy Tech license in the mail yesterday. He will begin to apply online for jobs today.

We talked and decided to move forward, with the idea that we will be moving soon. There are a lot of things to be organized. The garage has become such a mess, and there are many boxes that are only partially full now. You know how it goes, you don't want everything in the box, just that one or two items. So you take what you need and leave the rest. There are many boxes that fit that scenario.

It looks like we will need a 20 foot truck. There should be some room left over, but for $50 extra I would rather have some space to spare rather than not enough room.

There is still the issue of the car. I really don't want to tow a car behind the truck..... One thing at a time.

It amazes me how I have shifted. A year ago I was frightened in Montana. I can't really explain why, but just being there scared me. I felt exposed, vulnerable, displaced. And all I was really doing was visiting my mom.

Today I long to be there. I no longer feel like I am home here. A part of me is missing... I left it at the foot of the Rocky mountains with a big, lovable, Mountain Man.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Cracking Open a New Book....

My life is changing in so many wonderful ways. I said that already didn't I?

My Montana Mountain Man has turned out to be a treasure to hold sacred my tender heart. I really didn't realize what it meant to say a man was emotionally available until I found myself in a relationship with a man who IS emotionally available. What a difference!

There were several tense moments. I think we had the opportunity over the last two weeks to see each other at our worse. Yet he didn't pull away from me.... new concept here. He didn't pull away when I kinda freaked over something Bobby did.... or I got sick.... or my car broke down a few days before I was supposed to leave. When I needed him... there he was. Not to say it wasn't tense at times, but he was there. He insisted on talking.... he guarded his words so he wouldn't regret what he said. He treated me like I was important to him. We drew closer.

And there were moments when he wasn't at his best either. His sewage pump stopped working and I was the one who discovered the puddle on the downstairs bathroom floor. And while he was trying to figure out how to get that repaired without costing a fortune, unexpected guests showed up and stayed several days. Right in the middle of my trip. We had to give several precious days to these guests instead.

And then there were the normal parenting of pre-teen difficulties... especially when one of them has pretty bad ADHD. That will try any parent's patience, but add the fact that he has MS, and he just has a hard time with the energy needed to cope sometimes. Yet Bobby didn't get to him.

Bobby spent part of his time with us and part of his time helping his grandparents move rocks, week, stack wood, and other chores that needed to be done to prepare for the winter. He got to know them and they got to know him. It was nice but trying at times. Bobby can say things that really push buttons. Mom and Dad were troopers.....

I would pull in each night between 9 and 9:30, tired but happy.

Then one day I came home at 8. It had been a long, long day. It was the last Sunday I was there and we both decided to call it an extra early night. I must have had a huge smile on my face, because when my mom asked me how my day went, I just smiled and said it was really good.

"He proposed didn't he?" she asked.

There is no hiding anything from my mom!!

We are taking one thing at a time. I live in Oregon, he is in Montana. Winter is coming fast. My apartment lease isn't up til the end of May..... that's 8 long, agonizing months away!!

I can break the lease, but if Danny isn't able to find a job out there, he will have to stay here and find a smaller apartment. He really wants to move there. That was the plan before love even entered into my life.... before I stopped resisting.

I am seeking Heavenly guidance as to what to do.... My heart got filled and now it's aching for the companion I have found. We are 650 miles apart.

I have driven the distance twice so far since August. I really want to just get in the car and drive back again.... Danny says it would probably break down on me again.... He is beginning the research to decide what to trade it in for...

This is certainly a test in patience. He keeps saying to me to remember we have a goal in mind.... I know, but I want it NOW! I have been waiting my whole life to find someone to love me the way he loves me... and now I have to wait. I have been waiting my whole life to be able to love the way I am meant to love... and I can't give it yet...

I feel safe in his arms and comfort in his eyes. When he says he loves me it doesn't mean he just wants something from me.... He means he wants to give, not take.

For a full day after he proposed, we were both filled with the most wonderful peace I have ever felt. We know it's right. I feel Heavenly Father smiling. I am smiling....

Everything is different.... That's how I know it will work.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Gettting To The End of the Book and Ready to Begin a New One...

I really haven't known what to write.

My life is changing in wonderful ways and although I am not superstitious, I'm afraid to jinx it....

No, there is no jinx.

When I finally decided to get over the facial hair, I found an incredible friend in my Montana Mountain Man. What is really interesting to me is that the facial hair seems a perk to me now. I like it....

My mother laughs at me.

I didn't like kissing either of my husbands when they grew facial hair. It was prickly and I just didn't like it. My mother tried to tell me that with the right man it can be really nice... I didn't believe her.

You know what they say.... mother knows what she is talking about.

I have found an honorable man. I'm not wearing rose colored glasses, he is not perfect. But even the things that might come up as red flags are really only yellow. Each thing I see that I think might be a problem, he has already identified as something in himself he wants to change. In fact, he is already working on them, as I am working on mine.

A few months ago I was sad that I was still alone. I prayed and prayed for my Heavenly Father to help me. I did not want to meet someone online... been there... done that... not an option. I did not want to go to the singles meetings and try to meet someone there. Sorry guys, but a lot of them are also online. I just didn't want to make the same mistake again.

So I prayed that Heavenly Father would put me in the path of an honorable man. Over this past year he must have been shaking his head. I can hear it now.

"SANDY!! You already know him... Get over yourself and quit resisting!"

What a dumb thing that facial hair kept me from looking into his eyes. He has tender eyes. I look in them and his love for me reflects back. To have love back in my life... for real this time... is a truly wonderful thing.

We will not be rich... we are both disabled... He has MS and I have Fibromyalgia. But we can make it work. I see brightness in the future.

Did I mention he does not look at porn? He finds it disgusting and degrading and embarrassing. He rarely even goes on the computer or internet...With the hurts I have had, I need someone like that.

We are taking our time. We want to make sure we are fully informed about each other, and the limitations we are each taking on. But we have promised commitment to each other, and for now that is enough.

One thing I am finding I really admire is his wisdom. I get glimpses of it and I am in awe that this somewhat rough looking guy is also tender and wise. He is what I need, and I am glad I finally decided quit resisting and look at what was in front of me all along.

I guess all that counseling has finally paid off. I give the credit for that to my Heavenly Father too. Without His help, the counseling would have been a waste.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Danny and I got in the car this morning to take him to work..... We said our prayer, thankful for the car and that it has been running properly. Thankful for Danny's job. Please bless us today that this car gets us to where we need to go in safety.

I began to back out of the parking space and then we heard it..... G.R.I.N.D......

We looked at each other... the look of horror on each others faces to see. I stopped... We listened... The sound settled down. So I continued to drive. We got as far as the street, and Danny said "pull over and pop the hood please". I did.

He stood there looking at the engine. He knew that sound was familiar, but couldn't quite place it. It settled down again, so he dropped the hood and we drove off again.

We got to the end of our street, and pulled onto Beaverton/Hillsdale Hwy.

G.R.I.N.D again.

"Pull over again", so I pulled into the Target parking lot. It was just about 7am. We listened again, and it was familiar to me too.

"That sounds like Bridgette's van. Her power steering is having problems".

Danny smiled, "I knew that sounded familiar." He checked the power steering fluid. First he had to find it, but being that it clearly says "power steering, do not overfill" on the cap, it was easy to find.

The reservoir was low, just below the low mark. We smiled. There is a gas station on Canyon, just two blocks away. They will be open and we can get some fluid.

I drove carefully to the gas station. Danny was able to purchase a quart of power steering fluid for $5. A bit pricey, but so much cheaper than a new power steering unit. He put the fluid in to the full mark. I drove away, and no more G.R.I.N.D....... just a nice, quiet purr.

Thank you Lord, for blessing us today. Thank you for protecting this car that we need to continue to run. Thank you for making sure we were able to "correct" before a major repair would be needed. Thank you for having this happen today, when I am leaving in two days for Montana. Thank you Lord, for keeping us safe. For how mindful of us you truly are.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Life Can Be Good....

There have been so many changes in me over the last year. Some of them have been recorded here. I wish I had been better at keeping track of myself, but life happens whether I pay attention or not. My life is good right now. Not that all is going smoothly, but I am not having panic attacks over what isn't.

I haven't panicked that my second husband lost his job. He is still paying me alimony that I am sorely in need of. No money from him this month.

I haven't panicked that my first husband is having health issues and will be out of commission for probably 4 months. I doubt there will be any money from him for those months.

I haven't panicked that the shocks are about as bad as they can get on the car and is costing almost $200 to repair... just for parts. Danny will be installing them when they arrive, which is supposed to be tomorrow.

I haven't panicked and God has been good to me, I think because I have been using faith instead of fear.

I finished filling out the application to become a "Domestic Employee". That means I can get paid to do what I already do in taking care of Bobby. This is going to be nice, as there are times that taking care of him are .... well..... difficult. Difficult is the right word, right Bridgette? And as listed above, the income is sorely needed.

I love Bobby, don't ever doubt that. But sometimes he is insatiable. He wants and he wants and he wants. I'm really not sure he understands others have needs too. Oh well. That's Bobby.

I also got my fingerprinting done, to be sent in with the application. That way I don't have to wait until they ask for it and hopefully cut off some time waiting for approval. I did a fingerprinting a few months ago for DHS childcare, but ended up not doing the job. But they cannot share background checks, so I had to do it again. My pinky finger on my left hand did not want to co-operate, so I hope the fingerprints are accepted. She tried 7 or 8 times, but my hand was just too dry. I'm sending a prayer along with the package that I don't have to do it again.

I'm heading back to Montana in a few days. Yep, you read that right. Remember when I said I think I left something behind? I did, and there is something there waiting for me to claim in return. I am driving again, but this time Danny is not going with me. I have asked a friend to ride along, as I really am not comfortable going alone. It is a 12 hour drive. Bobby is going with me, but he really doesn't count.

The plan was to leave on Monday, but with the shocks coming tomorrow or Wednesday, and my mom really doesn't want me to be on the road during Labor Day Weekend, we will probably be leaving Friday. Yea, I know, the beginning of the weekend. But most people are still working Friday. Monday is the day everyone has off.

I've arranged for a ride to work for Danny on Monday. He has to work on Labor Day, and the buses are not running til later in the morning. I feel kinda guilty that he is having to ride the bus for the time I am gone, but he has done it before. I do need to let go of that one.

Wish me well.... this trip is an important one.

I think there are more changes in store for the future....

Thursday, August 25, 2011

A Little Note of Thanks...

I love the way God works. He might get us from point "A" to point "B", but it is rarely in a straight line. Usually there is point "A1", "A2", "A3", etc.

I am finding I have been on one of those journeys myself lately.

My 3M (you have to do some thinking and back reading to figure out what that means) has been in my life for a year now. But I certainly did not walk a straight line from where I was to where I am today.

The journey has had some pain, frustration, and a fair amount of heart-felt prayer along the way. I thought the Lord was leading me down one way, but other circumstances told me differently. As I look back on that experience, I can see the much needed growth. I REALLY NEEDED that growth.

I am so grateful to the Lord for seeing in me the places where I need the rough edges chipped off, and smoothed over. No criticism, just matter-of-fact work.

How can I not love Him for the way he handles me?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Searching..... Searching..... Searching.....

I spent the day at Bridgette's today. She had to find the title to a truck they are trying to sell. Since she is so busy she multitasks with sleep, (meaning she gets very little), I offered to help.

We went through so many boxes of mail waiting to be filed, shredded, or just thrown away. Once upon a time she was very organized, but kids and school and garden and house and not enough hours in the day have caught up with her. We never did find the title while I was there. But we had a good time talking and sharing things in our hearts. I got to do a little "bonding" with my daughter today.

I took Bobby with me because I am just not comfortable leaving him home alone all day. He drove me nuts. Every so often he would come and "casually" remind me it was Tuesday and we need to go to Bi-Mart... Or ask when we were going to eat next... Or when are we going to go home... or he's excited cause he is going to earn enough points soon to be able to make another trip to Toys R Us. (He earns points by doing chores). I finally told him I was going to dock him some points if he didn't stop bugging me.

He stopped... sorta.

On the way home I kinda lost it at him. I didn't yell or anything, just let him know I was tired and really didn't want to hear about it any more.

So now he's having a bad day....

Kinda reminds me of a certain 5-yr-old grand daughter.

After we got home I told him he really needs to learn to start thinking of others. I was trying to help his sister and all I ended up feeling was frustration and annoyance at him.

More 5-year-old attitude...

But I have to give him credit. He didn't melt down... He didn't even fully cry...

And about an hour later he came to me and sorta apologized.

All is forgiven, it was a long time ago. I guess sometimes I just wish I had a 21-yr-old son and not a forever 5-yr-old.

Bridgette sent me a text. She found the title. Quite an astounding place where she found it too...

In the file cabinet, in a file folder. It never occurred to me to look there....

For someone who just took a vacation, I think I need to do it again.

Oh well.... I'm going back on Friday to help her find that wonderfully organized daughter I once knew before the children, and classes, and garden, and lack of sleep and time took her away.

I'm pretty confident we will find her, or at least catch a glimpse. And this time Bobby gets to stay home....

PS... they sold the truck!!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Silly Mom

This lack of a brain is starting to get to me.

I think the main problem is that I am forgetting to eat. After 20 hours of not replenishing the supplies, the brain will get rather foggy.

I forgot my phone today..... I actually left the house without it and didn't even realize it until I wanted to use it. My phone is always nearby.....

I miss turns while driving....

I'm saying really stupid things..... half sentences.

I'm forgetting to eat.... I really don't want to eat.... perfectly happy drifting off into lala land.....

Except I really need to function.

My kids are laughing at me. Silly mom.

The funny thing about all this...... the Montana Mountain Man is having the same problem. :-)

Friday, August 19, 2011


Hmmmmm, maybe I've been away too long and I lost everyone :-(

Does anyone read this anymore???

Please comment if you do.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

This Time I'm Leading.....

I really need to do a better job at remembering what it is that I think I want to write about. I'm suffering from a major case of blank brain syndrome..... focus is becoming rather difficult.

The weather has been nice this summer. Not too hot. Even during my last trip to Montana. We got back last Friday. Mom keeps telling me it is unusual for the roadsides to be so green. I've been there 3 times over the last year or so, and each time she has said that to me.

Maybe I'm a good luck charm?

I think I may go back again really soon.... I think I may have left something behind.

But if I go back, the rest of it may find a new home there too....

Why is life.... and matters of the heart..... so complicated???

And why is it the Montana Mountain Man doesn't frighten me anymore????

I ordered a movie on Netflix when I left so it would be here when we got back. It was recommended by two different friends. It is called "Fireproof" and it a fantastic movie! I watched it the day after we returned. A few days later I was in church and my bishop's wife was teaching the Relief Society lesson. She mentioned having watched "Fireproof" on tv the night before and recommended it too... A lot of women in the room chimed in what a good movie it was. It is about love, marriage, and putting God right smack dab in the middle of it all. It presents an idea, a challenge... A Love Dare... I would like to quote a part of it:

"If you accept this dare, you must take the view that instead of following your heart, you are choosing to lead it. The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is. The Bible says that “the heart is deceitful above all things,” and it will pursue that which feels right at the moment.

We dare you to think differently, and to choose to lead your heart toward that which is best in the long run. This is a key to lasting, fulfilling relationships.

That movie, and the Love Dare, has left me pondering. I have followed my heart before.... and it left me shattered. I'd been afraid to open my heart back up, afraid it would happen again. It never occurred to me that the problem wasn't my heart, it was that I was allowing it to lead me instead of me lead it. Love is a decision.... not an accident. I don't need to be afraid of it anymore.

I think I have been doing this all along this last time and didn't realize it. I've been guiding my heart and taking my time. No falling this time, just a gentle glide towards something and someone that is really good.

No..... he doesn't frighten me anymore.

(see 11/24/10, "Crashes.... Bears... & Flirts...")

Monday, August 1, 2011

Am I Still Here?

I've tried so many times to get something written here.

I keep failing.

That is how I am feeling now, a failure.

I'm getting scared. I need to find something to replace the alimony which ends next May. I am at a loss as to what to do.... What I CAN do....

I stress over the smallest things... Life frightens me.... I really need to get over this.

I divorced 2 and a half years ago. I was told to wait 2 years before I considered entering into another relationship. That was easy, no one was interested.

There is still no one interested. I have yet to go out on a single date.

I am feeling like a failure on so many levels.

I am reaping the consequences of past decisions. I chose to marry young, without getting a college degree. I started my family right away, because that is what I wanted. I raised my children alone, because their dad turned out to be irresponsible, abusive, unfaithful.

I found out about a job today that can be done from home... but I don't qualify.... I need a college degree. I don't have one. I tried once, after my first marriage failed, but after the first year I collapsed, at the school. That was when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It took me 3 weeks to be able to get out of bed. The doctor told me to reduce the stress in my life....

How does a single mother with 6 children, the youngest being autistic, reduce the stress in her life?

My situation is different now. My children are all grown... well, mostly grown. Bobby is back with me, he will always be dependent on someone I think. That is okay, he is not difficult for me, just changes my schedule.

I am pleased how my children turned out. They are taking care of themselves. They are raising their own families.

Yet I am still very stressed. My muscles in my neck are so tight they are beginning to cause me big problems. Headaches, I have difficulty with my right arm. It hurts all the time. It wakes me up at night, throbbing. My chiropractor feels it will heal.... if I can get me to stop stressing so much....... I don't know how....

I feel like I am still carrying the world on my shoulders.

There was a time I went to Scotland all by myself. I drove 600 miles on the "wrong" side of the road. I stayed in youth hostles because they were cheaper than a hotel. I did it and I wasn't scared.

Now I'm scared of everything. I have to force myself to drive, and am very relieved when someone else offers. Mostly I pretend I'm not scared, then I get through it ok. Well, sorta... at least I get through it.

I think I lost a part of myself in my second divorce. The constant rejection... The lies... He has since apologized many, many times. I know he means it, yet I wonder if he really comprehends the hell I went through...

This is not depression.... this is over the top anxiety.... Depression focuses on the past... Anxiety, the future.... my problem definitely focuses on an uncertain future.

I've tried counseling. I ended up just getting irritated at the counselor. She kept saying I was being what I wasn't. I've done enough of it to know the ropes. To know when something is helping or just making it worse. She didn't help. I have gotten better, but because of the Lord, not the counselor.

I've raised my family... they turned out well....sometimes I wonder if I need someone to reach back and finally raise me.

or at least want me......

Ok, I admit it.... this is bad hormone week.....

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Concocting Dinner....

Concocting Dinner..... did I spell that right?

I suppose I'm the only one who starts making dinner without having a clue what it will end up being.... I wing it as I go... REALLY??? You mean you don't have your menu's planned out a week at a time? Maybe there is hope for me yet.

Today, I took a nap (rare in itself, but sorely needed). But before I did, I had the where-with-all to actually remember to take the chicken out of the freezer to defrost (another rare moment).

So, chicken for dinner tonight. I usually buy frozen, skinned, chicken breasts.... I may cook from scratch, but I would rather not pluck the bird! (done that too!).

When I woke up, it was time to make dinner (yes, a late nap), so I thought, what do I do with this? I'm still half asleep and I have to make dinner now.

So I sleepily went into the kitchen, rinsed the chicken (cause it was now unfrozen and sitting in it's own slimy juices and not looking (or feeling) all that appetizing. Hmmm, so this is what chicken feels like when you actually remember to defrost it first... Okay, back to work....Then I cut it into little cubes. I know, a dangerous thing to do when half asleep and the knives are VERY sharp. Lesson hopefully well learned here, I have already managed to cut off part of my finger about 6 months ago so I was extra careful to keep my fingers well out of the way.

I get out the jar of extra virgin coconut oil, and begin cooking the chicken. Note to self: next time, cut up the chicken after it is cooked, this turned out a bit dry.

Now what? Think....

I put on a pot of water to boil. Will make rice macaroni noodles for a chicken/macaroni salad. That sounds good for a warm summer day.

I raid the fridge for ingredients... wilted celery, green onions, tomatoes, pickles. I read somewhere that if you put wilted celery in a bowl of ice water, it will perk up... testing theory.

My mom once made this really good chicken dinner where it was kinda like haystacks, but included lettuce. She cut the lettuce into thin 1/4 inch strips, then cut them to be about 2 inches long. It was all served like a salad, lettuce, rice, chicken and all the other ingredients in haystacks. That is sounding good to me, but I already put the macaroni in the water.... slight variation.

Sent Danny a text to see if he could get some lettuce on the way home... darn it, need ranch dressing too.

When you wing it you are supposed to use what you have on hand.... I'm not doing such a good job of that today....

The celery perked up enough I think I can use it. Chopping that, next comes the pickles, a tomato, the green onions, olives from the cupboard.

But before that, the timer goes off and the macaroni is done. The phone rings... Rice macaroni overcooks quickly, so I have to get that draining.... what to do? I opt to drain the macaroni so I get to the phone just as the ringing ends... Thank goodness for caller ID, I return the call and take care of that.

So I get back to the kitchen and think "I need an onion". So I peel, slice and begin to chop up the onion into little bits and look over to see the green onions..... dang it, this was supposed to have green onions, and they would taste better.... there is now one medium onion, chopped and ready to go, in a baggie in my freezer. I love convenience.

Back to the chopping board. I begin to chop the pickle then realize... I've changed the menu, and pickle does not go with haystacks... even if it is made with rice macaroni instead of rice. So back into the jar the pickles go.

Send another text to Danny... I'll meet you at FM, (Fred Meyer's) and bring you home. I'll pick up the food myself. I need to get pineapple, cashews, raisins, as well as the lettuce and ranch dressing. So much for winging it...

So finally, after my quick trip to FM and getting Danny, I return home and finish chopping. Everything is spread out in little bowls, build your own plate style. I would have taken a picture if my camera weren't broken.

Dinner turned out pretty good tonight.... now that I have all the ingredients, maybe next time I do this I really will be winging it......

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

As Soon As I Reach the Top of One Mountain, I See Another...

Do you ever get so overwhelmed with life that you just want to say "I've had enough! Can I go home now?" I seem to be in that place an awful lot lately over the past several years.

Bridgette, Bobby, and I went to SSA this morning. That's the Social Security Administration for those lucky few who have never had direct dealings with them. Since Bobby has moved back in with me, we needed to get his case transferred over to my area. I was dreading it. In the past my experience with SSA has been hours of waiting; a stern, cold worker who mostly grunted; and getting chewed out at least once in the interview for not having followed some rule I didn't know anything about because it was a new rule since the last time I had gone in and gotten chewed out.

Today was different. In just an hour we were done! And the worker was..... get this.... smiling and pleasant! I had made one mistake, and he didn't chew me out.... in fact, he said it was no big deal. I didn't know that Bobby could have no legal access to the bank account, I thought it had to be in his name. So I had to go back to the bank and get a payee account set up. We are changing banks because of problems with the old bank. The new bank was a breeze too.....we were on a roll today!

So why am I feeling overwhelmed? Because this was only part of it. I still need to get a guardianship set up.... at least I think I do. I keep going back and forth on this issue. There are pro/cons to both sides of it. I really don't know what to do, and when I start thinking about it too much, an anxiety attack begins. This is taking skill now to be writing about it without my heart wanting to beat itself out of my chest and my head spinning from hyperventilation.

Breathe Sandy..... Breathe.......

Does anyone out there know about these things? I've become practically paralyzed by it. Paperwork has always been an issue for me, and considering I have dealt so much with SSA, you would think I've done my lifetime allotment of it. But there is always more. I don't even seem to be able to pick up a phone to make an appointment with an attorney.... I panic instead.

Is it to Bobby's advantage for me to do this? Is it something good for me to do for me? How is he best protected? Can I be hurt by doing this more than he would be protected? Is there so much continual paperwork to be submitted yearly that I would get buried? (I was told today by someone who has been a guardian that the courts require a lot of documentation on a yearly basis).

Oh, how I wish I could lock us up in some protective cocoon and just live out our lives in peace. Just dealing with regular daily stuff is hard enough, why do I keep getting monkey wrenches thrown in?...... Okay, so today I dealt pretty good with the monkey wrench (bank account error). I really don't have to do anything else......today.

Just Breathe Sandy.....

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Take a Walk......

I think I discovered why my mind has been such a blank as to subjects to write about... I stopped taking my walks... often I come up with my ideas as I am trudging along on the roadside, telling myself, one foot in front of the other, I can do this...... But I stopped doing it, so many reason, ie excuses... no time, my foot hurts, I'm tired already, it's hot, it's cold, the list can go on forever, but they are just excuses. I need to do this for me.

It helps my back, it helps my mood. It is just a healthy thing to do. Today I made myself do it, despite feeling cruddy. I do feel better now, and I decided to treat myself to lunch/dinner from Baja Fresh. Yummy steak/shrimp bowl. I love those, with lots of pico whatever you call it and pineapple salsa on it. So good.

Today, as I was heading home after reaching my half-way mark, I passed a couple on the side of the road, begging for money. I wonder if I would ever feel that desperate to do that kind of thing, I hope not. I think with my kids and other family members, they would not let it get to that point for me. But I am determined to find a way so that would never become an issue, either one.

I forced myself out today. My throat hurts, my sinuses are clogged. I couldn't resist the sour cream last night and I think I am having a really bad allergic reaction this time. I think it is time to give up dairy, at least uncooked dairy.

Eating is kinda becoming a bummer!! Too many things coming off the list.

But not totally... That steak/shrimp bowl is calling to me. I put Twilight on, I intend to do a marathon tonight, all three movies if I manage to stay awake.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Do I Really Want to Call Them That?

My favorite sins.....

Ever heard that phrase? I heard it again yesterday. I'd heard it before, but for some reason yesterday I started really thinking about it. Those words don't seem to belong together, at least not if you are wanting to be a good person. Sin is a no-no. It's bad. I'm trying to be good, so why would have have a favorite something that identifies me as bad? What exactly does it mean to me?

Everyone sins.... day in.... day out.... we goof.... we blunder.... we get lazy.... we get defiant just a little.... we ignore the pricklings just this once.... okay, I say we but I can really only speak for me.... but I certainly am not alone in this. Am I?

I had thought about listing a few of my "favorite sins" here, but then decided against it. That really should remain private between me and the Lord. But I definitely have some. Not huge, "oh my gosh I can't believe she does that!" kind of sins. But does that really matter? Sin is sin, it only takes one to separate me from my Father.

What is sin? My definition is simply something I do that turns me away from God. Something I do that shows I am less than perfect. And boy am I less than perfect! Yet, He is perfect and cannot and does not abide in imperfection. But instead of looking "down his nose" at me, He reaches out to lift me up, when I let Him. How do I let Him? I take advantage of His gift of the Atonement.

And the most incredible part to me is that my part is so simple.... not necessarily easy at times, but always simple. All I have to do is admit I did wrong, desire to not do it again and mean it, and ask forgiveness. That second part is where the "favorite sins" make it not so easy at times. I need help in getting rid of the "favorite" part so that I can get rid of the "sin" part. He helps with that as well, isn't that incredible too?!

Oh, how I am grateful for the Atonement! Without it there would be no motivation to keep going. I think I would have given up a long time ago. I feel a sadness in my heart for those who do not understand how wonderful it is. That our Father loves us so much that He gave us this incredible gift to make it possible to be united with Him forever. That our Elder Brother loves us so much that he gave his very life to rescue us.

Do I believe that both my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ know me by name? That the relationship is that personal? That they know me, my weaknesses, and yes, my favorite sins and still love me and want me back?

The answer is a resounding YES!!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Bullying Is Never An Option!! Part 2

I started talking about this yesterday. A conversation started because someone said some hurtful things in a posting on Moms of Adult Kids in CafeMom. The original post stated that there have been cases where teens have actually taken their own lives from the depression created from being bullied on social sites. There were many responses to the subject, and a lot of similar stories.

Then a member posted that if someone chooses to take their life because of something someone else said, then they probably already had emotional problems. I again responded:

I agree, and they need help, gentle and real. I have been suicidal in the past, I know the hopelessness that engulfs that mindset.

I am a huge believer in personal responsibility. To me this is a good reason why it is important to always treat others with respect and kindness. You never know what could trigger another....... If I said or did something to someone else out of meanness, and they make a poor decision because of my selfishness, I believe I have some responsibility towards that outcome.... I may not be able to control others, but I can control me. I do not want to be purposefully responsible for another persons pain.

I do really feel this way. Too many people today do not take responsibility for themselves, their actions, or the consequences of their actions.

If a teen, through goofing off, causes an accident and someone gets hurt, should they/the parents pay the doctor/hospital bill. YES!! Most definitely!! Yet when that question was posted I was amazed at how many women said "no, kids goof off, things like this happen".

I don't get it? No wonder this society is so messed up. I wonder if this is the result of too many laws? Are we so governed by something outside ourselves that we loose touch with what ought to have been created inside? So few take personal responsibility anymore. If there isn't a specific law written to cover it, then you are safe. WHAT?? That sounds like my autistic son's reasoning..... It is only wrong if he gets caught!

Personal responsibility is a fundamental principal. It should be a basic learned from a very young age. It is as important as "don't touch a hot stove", or "look both ways before you cross the street". We all carry responsibility in our interactions with other people. May we always keep that in mind, and remember that everyone is a loved child of God and deserves decent treatment.

Bullying Is Never An Option!! Part 1

I mentioned I have joined a new site, CafeMom. I am in a group called Moms of Adult Kids, and one of the other ladies asked the question if anyone had ever been bullied. She did this because she noticed it happened in a posting earlier this week. This is not allowed, yet it happens.

A lot of women responded. It is so heartbreaking to read the same stories, different faces. I do not understand WHY someone feels they need to bully.

I, myself, lived through some major bullying, but writing it out just got too long. So I posted instead:

Yes, I was bullied badly as a kid. Badly, daily, tortured. I grew to really hate school.

I started to write about my turning point, but it just got too long. Suffice it to say, I found my power, with the help of someone who cared enough to kindly guide me. He didn't judge me or put me down. He saw what I needed, then provided a way for me to find it for myself. And since that time I have tried to pay it forward. We do all have voices, just some of us loose them in the roar that goes on around us. I pray I will never be part of that roar in someone else's life.

She responded back that she would really like it if I told my story. So I figured, what the hay, you know me, the writer, I can do that.... I think it turned out too long, but I accidentally hit a wrong key and it posted before I was ready... oh well.... I don't intend to write another long story there.... I think I was save those for here.

Fourth grade, new school. We had moved from CA to OR, and didn't know the new school did not provide school supplies as our old school did. Second day of school. A math assignment had been given, there were 4 addition problem, and we were to add, subtract, multiply, & divide, so 16 answers in all. My mom had been at work all day and did not know we needed paper, and we were still not unpacked. I misunderstood the assignment, and only did the adding, on a small piece of scratch paper I managed to find. When the teacher asked for our papers and I turned it in, he started laughing at me and my tiny piece of paper. He announced to the class how stupid I was. I started to argue. I knew I was smart, I had been in TAG at my other school. I told him so, my IQ was over 130, the old school had told me so. He laughed again, and said he had seen all our scores and I was the dumbest student in the class and my score was way less than 100. This was in front of the whole class.

The next day he called me to the front of the class, and told me to stand with my face to the chalkboard. He then asked the class, "Who wants to see me make Sandy cry?" Then he goaded the class, I don't remember what all he said, but it went on for several minutes. Then he said "Ok Sandy, turn around and see who your friends are." Every hand was raised but one. JK was the only one who didn't raise her hand. Yes, I started crying. He then told me to go to my seat and he called JK to the front of the class and repeated what he did to me. I cannot remember what I did, whether I raised my hand or not, I do know I was pretty numb by then. I think he goaded me that I would have to come up again if I didn't raise my hand.

Home life wasn't much better. I had to be very careful around dad, one never knew what would set him off. I know I did complain at some point about not liking my teacher, but dad talked to him at parent/teacher conference and the teacher told him I just wanted too much attention. Later, my younger sister got this same teacher and I BEGGED my parents to put her in a different class. They didn't listen, he did the same to her, but she was forwarned so her refused to look. That teacher set me up, and the bullies in the class caught on really fast. I was called names, grabbed at, pushed down, and humiliated almost on a daily basis. It also followed me through the grades. Any complaining I managed at home fell on deaf ears, and it would have been very guarded.

My body developed early, so by the time I was in the 6th grade, I was well endowed, not fat, but big breasted. Their favorite thing to do to me was "titty twisters", oh how that hurt! I was so afraid of my dad, I didn't dare tell, he would have blamed me anyway and punished me for it.

A couple of those boys JH and SF, lived across the street from me. I had to catch the bus at the same stop. That was torture, but I got good at timing myself so I would get to the stop just in time. I had to be careful about it though, because if I missed the bus I would have to face dad. I finally talked my parents into letting me catch the bus at a different stop. But those boys still rode the same bus. I tried to stay away from them, but the bus was always pretty full, and the kids on the bus would set me up to have to sit near them.

7th grade began as the rest, but there was a new bus driver, and it was a different school. This driver saw how I was being treated and talked to me about defending myself. I said I couldn't, I was too afraid of getting into trouble. He could not convince me that I had the right to defend myself. I could not defend myself at home from dad, it just seemed so foreign to me.

One day I was called into the principal's office after another torturious ride, and I was so scared I was in trouble. JH and SF had bounced their basketball off my head to each other. I had such a headache by the time we got to school. The bus driver was there. The principal asked me why I wouldn't defend myself and I told him I was afraid of getting into trouble. It took some time and talking, but he finally got me to believe I could fight back and not get into trouble. He said I could do whatever I had to, say whatever I wanted to say, and fight as dirty as I needed. I was dumbfounded over that, but a spark began to glow inside me that the torture could be stopped.

Next day, JH from across the street, and his little brother started in on me. I stood up (first rule broken), and hit one with my bag that had my gym shoes in it. (second rule broken) I got him right in the groin. As he doubled over I grabbed the other by the hair and smashed his head into the back of my seat. Now he was the one with the headache. (3rd rule broken). I sat back down and couldn't believe I had done what I had done. I was shaking. As I left the bus the driver smiled at me.

I was again called into the principal's office. The boys were there. They were smirking cause they thought I was in big trouble. The principal asked me to tell what had happened. I told what I had done. He turned to the boys and asked if I had told the truth. They smirked again, yes! I had done those horrible things to them. The principal turned back to me and said "Good for you! I am glad you finally defended yourself, you are excused back to class". He then turned to the boys. "We are calling your mom, you are both suspended for three days!"

I floated for the rest of the day, and NONE of the boys ever bothered me again.

I do not advocate violence, but sometimes it is the only solution. Although I had not ever fought back, I had told them to stop so many times it was useless.

I sometimes wonder about those boys. Do they remember what they did to me? Do they care? If given the opportunity, would they apologize to me for the past? They were forgiven a long time ago, but I still wonder.

I feel bad for my mom when she hears stories about my childhood. During all that time that Dad was being a horrible parent, she was killing herself working to keep us warm and fed. My mom was the breadwinner, not my dad. The roles were reversed, even though she didn't like it. She really had no idea of what was going on at home.

So sorry Mom, and I love you.

(continued tomorrow)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Shall I make it Two?

Second day in a row, after a very long absence. Thanks Reema, It's nice to know I am loved :-)

I've joined a new social site. It's called CafeMom. It's really a forum, where you can ask and answer questions and get to know other mom's you have things in common with.

Tiffany told me about it. She has been on for a while, and because she was so active in it she was asked to be a moderator. One of the perks of being a mod is they receive store gift cards each month as a thank you for their participation. Tiff gets a $50 Target gift card every month. That is for one group. You can be asked to be a mod for several different groups, and get a gift card for each.

Hmmmmmm...... the creative financing widgets in my head started turning. If I can manage to become a CafeMom Mod on a few of those groups, I could count it towards the income I have to come up with to replace the alimony that dries up next May. Having a job would be best, but requires I am actually able to do the job without stressing out. So far that has not been a reality. I have been really concerned over what I am going to do when the alimony runs out. I'm not going to make it very far on just SSD. My first ex-husband will be court ordered to pay me child support for forever, he is soooo far behind. But with his inconsistency, I really do not want to be holding my breath for his payments.

If I could manage to become a mod on 3 groups, that could get me $150 in gift cards a month. I'm not sure about all the stores offered, but just Target and Walmart would pretty much cover most my shopping expenditures each month. My goal is 3, more would be great. I could get groceries, non-food household items, clothes, etc., and not have to have cash for those purchases.

Yes, I can be creative. I can make new friends. I love to write. I do believe this could work! I will still need to find a way to make some cash, but every gift card will reduce the cash I will need.

I've been having fun. I still feel shy, haven't put my pic up yet..... we know how long it took me to get it up here. One of the ladies said today that I brighten her day. That made me smile.

But I have also noticed some of those women think they have license to be mean in their comments. I guess I've lead a sheltered life, actually I know I have, I have been shocked to see how other women present themselves. I try not to expose myself to that kind of viciousness.


Isn't it weird? I have lived through an incredibly abusive childhood, endured one bad marriage that included abuse, abandonment, infidelity, and crazy-making, endured another bad marriage that included crazy-making and infidelity, have PTSD and fibromyalgia..... yet I say I have lived a sheltered life?

I think I need my head examined!!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Such Is Life...

Why is it that when I find the time to write, I can't think of anything to say, and when I have a lot to say, I'm too busy to write it down?

Such is life...

I'm spending another busy Tuesday. Took Danny to work at 6:45, Tiff pulled into my place right after I got back to leave the girls with me while she went to an appointment. She should be back by 11. Then I need to be at Bridgette's by 1pm to watch her kids while she goes to class.

I'm only finding time now cause the girls are eating breakfast and being good... I wonder how long that will last.

There's a dragon in my livingroom.... I can hear it roaring.

Tiff is in a holding pattern now, I think. She is ready to have this baby, but he isn't ready to come out. It has not been an enjoyable pregnancy, being sick all the time kinda puts a downer on the whole thing. (did I just date myself with that phrase?) And when that finally happens and Zachery Nathan is here, there will be all the visits to the Pediatric ICU. Eric spent the first 3 months of his life in the hospital, but the prediction had been 6. Zachery will probably be having the same kind of prediction. At least Tiff knows he will have to go in for immediate surgery after his birth, and that he has CF. Bridgette didn't know until the problems began the day after Eric was born.

Two CF babies in the family. I never dreamed this would happen to us. What are the odds that two daughters would test positive and marry men who tested positive? I'm not sure. Michelle is relieved she tested negative.

But life still goes on.....

We signed another year's lease on this apartment. I couldn't bear the idea of moving again so soon. The rent went up $45, which I think was a bit much, but with Bobby moving in, he will help to absorb the increase. I think, with Bobby's contribution, we will finally be able to breath a little bit financially. I really wasn't sure how much longer it could go on. With my dental bill, I have gotten pretty far in debt and it scares the begeebers out of me. But at least the dental work is done.

I'm still alone, no prospects on the horizon either. Dang, I really hate being single. I miss having a friend to talk to... really talk to and share the deepest part of my thoughts.... everything now is just bottled up inside.

Oh well, keeping busy is a good thing.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Trial Run...

Another weekend coming up.

It is spring break week, and Bobby spent it with me. The first day was difficult, he was hovering over every little thing. But as I talked to him about what he could and couldn't do, or rather, what he didn't have to ask permission to do, he lightened up.

I am glad we had him over. He won't be going back to Bridgette's until Monday, so we have a few more days. I was a little nervous of what it might be like living with him again. I now know it's going to be fine.

We have discussed sacrifice, compromise, and why we always ask him to say back to us in his own words what we said to him. He thought the latter was because we thought he was stupid and a failure. Danny explained to him that we do that to make sure we have done the job right and that WE are no failing, not Bobby. We have found that often we speak with the same words, but those words have different meanings. So it is really important to get Bobby to relate how he is understanding the conversation, otherwise we end up with him upset, because he thinks we are doing something totally different than we are. Oh the joys of communicating with an autistic boy.

I'm not sure he really understands compromise yet, but is getting there. I have decided to keep showing him examples in our daily lives. There are many compromises to make with him. He wants everything to be done his way, with him in the center. Life just doesn't work that way.

And sacrifice..... We have decided not to move. We are in a 2 bedroom apartment now, but the thought of moving yet again is just too much for me. There is also the matter of noise. Bobby is really loud, and walks heavy. Most 3 bedroom places we have looked into are on the second floor. That just will not do. And... they don't have washer/dryer units. The 2 bedroom units do, but not the 3 bedroom units... go figure?

We have a rather large living room, so with the help of bookshelves and a freestanding wardrobe, we will partition off half of the room and turn it into my bedroom. Bobby will get my room, I really need him to have a room where he can close the door, setting a more concrete boundary. I am explaining to Bobby that it is a sacrifice for me to give up my room, but by doing so I am compromising between him moving in with us and me not wanting to move to a bigger apartment.

His response to me telling him I was sacrificing? "But you're mom and you love me."

He's right.... that's what moms do.

I think he is beginning to understand. I sure hope this works. Danny and I have prayed about it and feel good about the decision.

One more thing... yesterday we got an addition to our family. Chris and Crystal have a beautiful baby girl. They are coming here in August, and I can't wait to see them.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

12 Steps Christ's Way...

I've been thinking about the 12-Step program. How much my life has changed since I have learned the principle of letting God take over in my life. It's not just a matter of believing, it is really knowing HOW to give Him my will, and letting Him keep it.

I attend the group sponsored by my church, for co-dependent partners of a sex addict. This group is specific, but others sponsored by my church are more general, towards any addiction or co-dependency. Even though I am not married, this groups still applies best to me. I like this one better than the public ones, like COSA (Co-Dependents of Sex Addicts), because it does not promote a "higher power" as anything we choose. We are specific and determined it is Jesus Christ and His great Atonement.

I've thought about how that makes a difference. To believe in just a "higher power", to use that mind set in recovery, puts a limitation on recovery. Because man by himself can only go so far, in recovery, but never be recovered. It is the Atonement of Jesus Christ that does the healing, not a belief in "something". Even though there are people in these groups that believe in Jesus Christ and put him in the role, and are trying to draw on the Atonement, the doctrine of the group puts the "higher power" and Jesus Christ on equal ground. This puts limits on the Atonement, because they do not teach that if you choose Jesus Christ you can be completely healed, but if you choose something else you won't be. They just say all cannot be cleansed from you, the addiction will always be there.

Those groups teach it this way, either an addict or a recovering addict. Never a recovered addict. That is the limitation, the 10% lie embedded with the 90% truth. I do believe it is a lie too, one that keeps the addict from believing they are good enough. They are taught they will always have this fight inside themselves, always struggling. They teach it does get better, but do not acknowledge the pull can be completely, totally, absolutely purged from them. With this limitation, the temptation can become equal to how the temptation taunts a person without the addiction, but will not go away.

With the Lord's help, through His Atonement, weaknesses can and are turned into strengths. This means there is no more temptation, it is completely gone. The person is stronger and has no desire whatsoever to even let the temptation exist. Satan has no power whatsoever unless we give it to him, which means, no power to tempt unless permission is given to him. The Atonement gives us the ability to take back the power we once gave to Satan, and give it back to Christ.

A great example is the story of the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's, the people of Ammon. (see Book of Mormon, Alma chapter 17 to 26 inclusive.) The great example of those people, who were a blood-thirsty, warring people. Who believed the traditions of their fathers, who believed the lies taught to them. They were Lamanites (ancestors to the American Indian) before, but changed their nationality to show their change of heart. They called themselves Anti-Nephi-Lehi or the people of Ammon after their conversion to God, after their evil ways were purged out of them. "6-And as sure as the Lord liveth, so sure as many as believed, or as many as were brought to the knowledge of the truth, through the preaching of Ammon and his brethren, according to the spirit of revelation and of prophecy, and the power of God working miracles in them - yea, I say unto you, as the Lord liveth, as many of the Lamanites as believed in their preaching, and were converted unto the Lord, never did fall away. 7-For they became a righteous people; they did lay down the weapons of their rebellion, that they did not fight against God any more, neither against any of their brethren" Alma 23:6-7.

I have experienced the damage that can be done by the lie. How can someone believe they are Celestial material, a Child of God, if they believe there will always be filth inside themselves? Those two beliefs cannot co-exist. You are either a Child of God, with the inherited ability to be pure and clean, whole and complete, with His help... or you believe you are less, damaged, flawed, and doomed to never become that which the scriptures promise. That which Jesus Christ promises. The second belief calls God a liar. It says He makes the promise to others, but not to you.

I once believed the lies. I believed I was flawed, just a throw away, a mistake. In my stupidity I once told my Heavenly Father he ought to just throw me away, I wasn't worth it... He was listening... that is for sure. In a fraction of a moment, He showed me what it would feel like to be thrown away, to completely loose His presence. In that fraction of a moment, I felt my breath being sucked out of me, the darkness was so thick it was crushing. In that fraction of a moment I learned that I was NOT throw away material. That I didn't want to be. In a gasp I said I was sorry, I was wrong, I didn't mean it anymore, and in return I was surrounded with His light, His love, I was lifted instead of crushed. I learned I really did matter to my Heavenly Father. Being in that light is the promise of the Atonement. It absolutely can bring wholeness and healing. Complete, without flaw, without limitations.

I used to hate myself. My counselor called it "self-loathing". I now love myself. I have value. And my value is more than any person or "higher power" can give me. It is what Jesus Christ has given me. I am a Child of God. The knowledge of this truth makes me love my Savior and Heavenly Father even more.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My Will Versis God's Will

What do you do when your will wants to do one thing, but in the answers to your prayers you are nudged towards the opposite direction? Rather strong nudges, but nudges all the same.

Submitting my will to God's will is at this time amongst the hardest things I have ever done, yet in another way it isn't so hard. I have no idea what the direction is or what the outcome will be.... but somehow I feel comfort in choosing to set myself aside.

But there is a tug-of-war going on. My will is strong, it is screaming at me to shut down and protect myself. My will is selfish and self-serving. It thinks it is self-protecting, but it is really only self-limiting.

I have found myself thinking of Nephi often lately. (see Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi). Only Nephi did not have a tug-of-war going on inside of himself. He knew he wanted to follow God's will, and went through a lot of trials doing so. He had faith enough to stand in the storm and hold fast.

I want to hold fast.

"... I will go and do as the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." 1 Nephi 3:7

Is there a difference between a prompting and a command? I've never asked that question before.

The problem with my will, besides the selfish part, is that I don't have the whole picture, it just isn't possible. But God does. He knows HOW to connect "A" to "B" to "C" all the way to "Z" and beyond. My will connects the dots so randomly, it just isn't possible to figure out the picture. Or it turns into a sub-standard picture, missing important components and never really working right.

I would far rather have God's will directing my path, my choices. There are trials along the way, pain to overcome, stretching to do. But then I look back and I think "WOW!!" I did that!! And now I'm stronger, those same problems don't get to me as they once did. This is just one of the many reasons why God is so awesome, He does so much for me through my trials, IF I let Him.

I guess it doesn't matter what the outcome will be, whatever it is, it will be what my Heavenly Father, in His great wisdom, knows is best. I just need to seek His will and submit. And do so loudly enough that I drown out the screams of my own will.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Is There Someone Out There Who Is Real and Trustable??????

My heart has been all over the place.

I met someone I liked.... alot. I thought he liked me, the little signs were there. The way he looked at me.... intense.... He came over twice and had dinner and played games with me and Danny. He loved my cooking and compared my cooking twice to his mother. He said he hadn't eaten that good since he left home. He invited us to his place for a bar-b-que when the car was fixed. He was going to come over and make fish tacos for us using my kitchen. He said he really enjoyed coming over. He wanted to do it again.

It was going slow, but I figured he was being cautious, I know I was. I had prayed soon after my divorce that if I ever had the opportunity to have a relationship again that it would go slowly and cautiously..I figured that what was happening was an answer to that prayer. He was a friend of Danny's and Danny had wanted to introduce me to him for almost 2 years! But he was waiting til I was ready. We were introduced last October.

A few weeks ago he told Danny he wanted to talk to him. We thought he was going to see if it was okay with Danny if he asked me out. He was after all, Danny's friend first.

What a shocker.... he told Danny he met a woman online recently and was engaged to marry her in a month!! So fast, so .... so..... so not wise.

My head was reeling.... did I misunderstand his signals? Danny saw the same ones. No, the signals were there, but now I question if he knew he was sending them..... RED FLAGS WAVING.

There were other red flags too, but I wondered if it was just because of nervousness. I discussed them with Danny, so I did not keep them to myself. I asked him to watch for them too. We have spent many a night discussing this situation.

I met my 2nd husband online. It was a fast relationship, way too fast. There were tons of red flags that I ignored. We know the outcome of that one. When you don't give yourself time to get to know someone, how can you know if it will work? Add age and experience to it, and you are mixing a recipe for disaster.

I am praying for this man. Not because I am interested anymore, but because marriage is such a HUGE decision and will impact many people for the rest of their lives. And because he was a man my son had found to trust.....

Even Danny has changed his mind. His friend is no longer in that trust role.

There is a lot more to this, that I do not feel to say. The details are not important here. Suffice it to say, we see an unhealthy marriage about to be solidified.

My heart will recover. Luckily, it didn't get too deeply involved. I need to trust my Heavenly Father more now than ever, because I really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want the blessings that come from sharing, growing, changing, and becoming a true partnership. I have a lot of love to give, and no one to give it to.

Are there any single men out there that are real and trustable? There has to be, I have to keep believing there are.

Heavenly Father, please find one for me...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Children... Grandchildren... and Reality...

I really need to keep a pencil and paper by my bedside at night. I keep coming up with these wonderful subjects to write about, only to have not a clue what they were at daybreak. Since I really don't want to make it a habit of getting up at 2am and writing for an hour, I think the pencil/paper solution where I would jot down the main idea would probably work nicely.

At least I would know what my brilliant mind was thinking at 2am!

My luck, the ideas are better left forgotten.

But despite my lack of ideas, life does go on. There are three grandbabies waiting to make their entrance into this world. Another daughter for Chris and Crystal, who I am sure will be as beautiful as both her mother and her sister. Crystal is so ready for that day.

I remember those days, the waiting seemed to be an eternity, yet after the birth, time flew. That little angel had the nerve to grow up! And the angel was replaced by a 2-yr-old who found and read that mysterious manual. You know the one I am talking about... It amazes me how similar 2-yr-olds are.

The other two grandbabies have a few more months to go. First Michelle and her little girl, then a week or so later, Tiffany with a son. Both families are very excited, getting the sex they were hoping for.

Well, then, I wonder how much Tiffany thought having a boy would affect her? It seems she is allergic to the male hormones, so her body had the nerve to break out in hives. So not only is she beyond sick, she is itching up the ying-yang to boot!!

I do not miss those days. Being a grandma is where it is at!

My son Bobby will be moving back in with me in June. It has been two years since we have lived at the same place. Danny and I are both praying it turns out okay. Bobby can be quite demanding, he is high maintenance. I think the biggest problem is that when we were in Arizona, the people who should have known better filled his head with aspirations that far exceed his ability. That was such an unfair thing to do to him and to his family. We are now the "bad guy", telling him he cannot go to college, become a movie producer, or have a family that his mom will raise.

Going to college. To do so you have to have a high school education. Yes, he has graduated, with a modified diploma that shows his education has not exceeded the 7th grade. There is no modifying in college.

When we received his school records from Arizona, the school here immediately saw there was a problem. They claimed on the records that he could do things he could not do, or knew things he did not know. They had to scramble to make it possible for him to graduate by the time he was 21. I shouldn't be surprised, I've heard that Arizona schools rank #50 among United States schools. That's last on the list!!

Being a movie producer! Let's get real here. Besides the fact that you need money to do this, you also need people skills, communication skills beyond that of a toddler. And I would assume you need more than a 7th grade equivalent education.

And finally. A family that his mom will raise??? I don't think so! I've done my raising. He tells his developmental disabilities worker that he intends to marry an autistic girl who is lower functioning then he is (huge red flag here), will have children and his mom will take care of them. This mom is not in agreement.

So thanks a lot Arizona schools. We have damage control to do here. It has been two years, and there is still much work to do.

I am grateful I can pray and ask for strength here. I really need it. Raising an autistic child is hard, undoing damage done by the school system to our children is really hard... put them together and it will definitely take Divine assistance to bring this around.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Men Are Not As I Thought They Were....

I have been thinking about writing this blog entry all week. It kept me from writing anything else, so I guess I'd better get this done so I can move on.

I wrote this entry in my journal on Feb 19th. I woke up early... very early... and decided I ought to write down what was going on in my head because likely, I would forget by morning. I have modified the entry a bit, being I repeated myself somewhat. I tend to do that when I wake up at 2am and start writing:

My whole life I have connected with guys who prey on needy women. That is because I was a needy woman. I was raised by my dad to be that way. You could even say he groomed me and my sisters to be needy.

I didn't know there was any other kind of male. I will refer to them as men, but I have come to discover that they really don't act very much like men at all.

This man is a charming, warm, compassionate, caring, and kind person. He behaves as the perfect man for her, interested in meeting her every need. But he really is only feeding himself, his addiction. He sets her up to let the needy out. He primes her to wrap herself emotionally around his charm. He feeds on her neediness, keeping her needy. At the same time he is repulsed by her. It is actually this repulsion that keeps her in a needy place. He is using her and she lets him use her because she knows no other way of being.

And she uses him. In her desperate attempts to get out of the needy place, she misguidedly thinks she can only accomplish this with his help.

So together they play this tug-of-war game, keeping the neediness in place while at the same time trying to escape it.

I'm not saying all men who are charming, warm, compassionate, caring, and kind are preying on needy women, there is more to it than that. I am saying that these men do, on the surface, fit that description. The difference is that they are only doing it to feed their own needs, they really are not interested in hers. And these men are addicts. They are heavy into porn and/or other deviant behaviors.

As I stated, these men who prey on needy women do not act as a real man acts. They do not communicate as healthy men communicate. These men reveal themselves to women as women relate. They do this to real her in. They are truly predators in the worse sense.

My whole life these are the kind of men I surrounded myself with. I am only now learning that communication with a healthy man is not as I have done my whole life. I have learned I have a lot of misguided conceptions about men, and much changing of perspective on my part to do. I have begun this process and will continue in it in order to be able to have a healthy, productive, and correct relationship with a man someday.

I praise God for the loving way He has guided me to this place of learning and growth. His love for me truly surpasses my understanding, and my gratitude overflows my heart.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Sickies... sickies... go away!!!

I really don't want to play today!!!

My tummy hurts... my head, it throbs...

I'm tired and dizzy and feel like a blob...

So sickies... sickies... go away!!!

Don't come back... I don't want to play.

Friday, February 11, 2011

One Of Those Days.... on Steriods....

Today was an incredibly emotional day that did not go as planned...

We had it all figured out. Danny had a policy with a roadside assistance company through his bank account. He had signed up over two years ago and made the monthly payments every month. The policy provided for 5 tows a year at 150 miles per tow. We finally found a mechanic through a friend's referral, and although he was about 45 miles away, we figured the tow would be covered by the roadside assistance policy. The friend had called in a favor and the mechanic had agreed to take care of us as inexpensively as possible.

Danny called the roadside assistance company yesterday to request new cards. He had lost his and he wanted me to have one too. Although the phone connection was not the greatest, the person on the other end confirmed what he was asking.

Today he called back to order the tow, and to his surprise, the account had been canceled the day before. Try as he might, they would not take responsibility for their mistake. The best they would offer was a $63 premium refund... and a reinstatement that would require a 30 day waiting period before a tow would be covered.

Danny was livid.....

I sat at my desk and cried....

Would this nightmare ever go away???

Tonight we are calmer. A man from our ward is coming over around noon to take a look. He is a mechanic and will do his best to figure it out. I haven't paid my bills yet, so there is some money in the bank. Danny will be able to buy what parts are needed, I hope, and then Michelle and John have agreed to loan Danny whatever it cost and he will put it back into my account so I can pay my bills.

If this doesn't work, because the problem is bigger than we thought, then he will research to see if he can find a flat tow fee from Beaverton to Keiser for less than $175.00, and we will have it towed to our friend's mechanic on Monday.

We are praying it will be properly diagnosed and fixed tomorrow, and that we have enough money to cover it.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Is It Spring Yet??

I took a walk with a new friend today. It is such a beautiful day. Still chilly at 50 degrees, but the sun is shinning, the sky is blue, and it felt good to be outside.

Slowly things are coming together. The car still isn't fixed, but I have others helping to get it resolved now. I'm not carrying it alone anymore. My biggest concern is that it will be towed by the complex before we are able to get a mechanic at it.

Every day I feel a little better. I will be so glad - and grateful - when this whole peri-menopausal thing is in the past...... way in the past. For now I still take it a day at a time, reach out to a few safe people to help me get my feet back on the ground, and pray for it to be over. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love the springtime. I missed this season the most when I lived in Arizona. In Arizona there are just two seasons.... hot.... and not quite hot, but close.... Actually, it has been known to be in the 40's at night, but then, with few days to acclimate, it climbs to the 80's, 90's, and beyond. mostly it is just plain HOT!!!!

Here in Oregon, there are definitely seasons. When it rains it smells good afterwards. The sun feels good on your face, like it is kissing you. The breezes bring a bounty of smells together and you feel good just for being there.

It is going to turn out okay. Someday this whole car nightmare will be just that... an old nightmare. it's okay to start practicing the smiles again.....

God is Good....

Monday, February 7, 2011

Am I Getting Old???

Being weepy is just getting so old. So are these stupid hormone fluctuations...But I guess that is part of the problem. I am getting old. I don't want to, but it is happening anyway.

I used to smile at my birthdays. Age didn't matter. I think I didn't realize that someday I would wake up and my age would catch up with me.

It has...

I went to the store on Saturday. I decided to do something to help me to feel better. I have, off and on, used products to take care of my skin. I haven't used anything for several years. It is time to correct that oversight.

So I bought a few products geared towards anti-aging, skin firming, and wrinkle reduction. I have been blessed that I don't have that many wrinkles.... yet. At least not unless I smile. I do get wrinkles around my eyes when I smile.

But I am beginning to get that saggy cheek look. You know, where older people have their cheeks defined by a line running down from their nose to the corner of the mouth? I noticed it beginning to form a few months ago.

So I used the products. I said to Danny yesterday morning as we were walking to church (car still not working), that I know it is all in my head, but I think I already see improvement. He looked at me and smiled... He looked at me closer... He said he didn't think it was all in my head. He said my skin looked smoother and more even. He made my day!!

I hope this does work, that I am able to stave off the inevitable for at least a few more years. Someday I will have to just face it, I'm getting old....

But I really don't want to face it today....

Thursday, February 3, 2011

More of Life Going On.....

I'm afraid I'm having a hard time coming onto this blog and focusing my thoughts. I suppose you've noticed (tongue in cheek).

I feel like my life has been on a rollercoaster for so long, I'm not sure how to get off.

The car got fixed, then promptly began another problem. It literally died going 55mpg on the inside lane on a 3 lane freeway. The engine simply stopped. Traffic was moderately heavy. I said a quick prayer and moved over. After crossing over the other two lanes, I was successful in pulling off onto the roadside. I am very grateful for cell phones.

We had to be towed home. Another $73 I did not have had to be spent to get this car back to my apartment complex, where the rule is... no non-working vehicles allowed. At least it sorta worked before, now nothing.

I really don't need this stress.

But on a brighter note, my male relationship issues seem to be improving. At least I was able to enjoy an evening playing Catan with my son and a friend without vertigo returning or loss of breath. Both happened the first time the friend came over. Geeze, why do we make things so hard on ourselves???

Tiffany has been very sick, so I have been taking care of her girls. She was put on bedrest. I took the girls to the store with me on Monday. I only had to get a few things, so I thought an hour at the most... Two and a half hours later we finally got back to my apartment!! My thoughts were "HOW DID I DO IT WITH SIX KIDS IN TOW???"

I saw my kid's dad today... sometimes nothing changes...

I am grateful for prayer. I am grateful when I feel like nothing is going right, like I am digging a hole so deep I will never see the light of day again, that my perception is wrong. Prayer works... Comfort comes... Peace settles in.

Thank you Lord, for being there every time I reach out.

Thank you Lord, for being there even when I don't.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Trying To Listen...

"Sometimes it takes adding one more voice for the message to finally be heard."

I had a dream last night. A friend in the dream said those words to me. When I woke up, I wrote them down because I knew I would not remember if I waited till morning.

I seem to be hard of hearing. It is so hard for me to hang onto the belief that I have value to others. I know I have value to me... and I believe God values me.... but believing someone else might find me of value still blows me away.

In my dream, someone I value, who I have known for 20 years, told me I have value. Actually he said more to me. He said that he believed in me. That I can do it.

Why am I so quick to loose faith in myself? I second guess myself constantly. I analyze my interactions with others until they match nothing to the original event.

I'm learning to take a step back and look at myself. Geeze, if others thought of me what I sometimes think they ought to think of me, I would be surrounded by shallow people. I'm not. Does that mean that I am the shallow one?

Not towards others, just myself. I really need to stop being shallow towards myself. I really do deserve better than that.

I think this goes deeper.... Maybe it's not so much whether or not others value me... Maybe it's whether or not I will allow myself to experience that value... whether or not I will allow myself to trust them that they are being real with me.


Ok, I'm listening.,.. That final voice is coming in loud and clear.... I trust the friend who talked to me in my dream... If I can trust him, then I am capable of extending that trust to others.

My tiny trust circle is softening in order to expand. Another person is waiting to get in.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Saga of the Car, With a New Friend Thrown In...

I have so many words dancing around in my head, but for some reason they don't seem to want to jump down to my computer screen. Go figure?

I am disappointed today. A mechanic was supposed to come over at noon and fix my car. He postponed me til tomorrow, possibly Saturday. I think I'm going to start looking around again.

My life has been really busy. Despite not having my own form of transportation, I have been busy. Walking and getting rides. Borrowing Tiffany's van. I'm taking the bus tonight to my meeting. Not feeling all that independent right now.

I have met a nice guy who is single. He seems to want to be friends. Danny has known him for a couple of years, they met at church. It is so refreshing to be able to talk with someone and just be friends. I do not sense any hidden agenda, no ulterior motives, in other words, he didn't come on to me.... He was genuine.

I'm not sure why, but guys coming on to me has been problematic in my life. Even when I was married, once even when I was pregnant! My first husband got a kick out of it, I guess it stroked his ego... kinda tells you a bit about him. I don't like it, I never did. It's done in a way that left me feeling cheap, dirty, and in need of a shower.

I'm not a striking beauty so that certainly could not be the reason why. I guess it was the part of me that was attracted to active sex addicts, because I sure seemed to draw them in. I am so grateful that flaw in me has been purged. That flaw that was placed in me by my sex addicted dad. My dad wasn't just a sex addict, he was a pedophile, he used me in such sick ways. Yes, the sins of the fathers do visit on the heads of the children. Those sins left me greatly lacking in the ability to make wise decisions concerning who I dated and eventually married. Those sins left me making a whole lot of mistakes, and adding my sins to the list....

The work has been hard and often painful. But I would not ever wish to take a different route than the one I took. The one I am now on. God is good, God gives grace, God can turn anything around. He sure did so with me.

So I have a new friend. A decent man who emits humility and integrity. All other men I have met in my life who emit those qualities are married. This is a new experience for me. I like making new friends.

Monday, January 17, 2011

When the Lord carries a burden, he chooses to carry more than half....

It's a quarter to one in the morning and I'm wide awake.

I've been thinking about the wonderful manifestation of God's fulfilled promises this week. The week started out horrible, but ended wonderful. Since I'm wide awake now, I've decided to write about it.

First of all, I fell apart last Monday. Literally... absolutely... completely... I was a genuine mess. I could not stop crying.

I prayed... I cried some more. I continued to pray... I continued to cry...

Three things were weighing so heavy on me I just knew I was going to sink into the ground for lack of ability to hold it together.

1- The car part Danny had ordered to get the car fixed was missing. FedEx claimed it had been delivered, but we did not have it. I was fretting, how were we going to find it? Or worse... afford to buy another one?

2- The Saturday before, I was eating some popcorn in front of the tv. I wasn't paying too much attention to it and I should have been. Suddenly there was an intense, sharp pain shooting down into my tooth on my lower right jaw. I had bitten down hard onto an unpopped kernel. OUCH!!! Oh no, I thought for sure I had extended the crack that was already in a molar on that side. I managed to crack a molar on all four sides of my mouth, stress related, and this particular one had already lost a cusp (corner). If I did crack it further, it was probably not savable.

I was scheduled to begin work on three of the cracked teeth for crowns at the end of the month, the fourth had already been lost. I was devastated. I am already thinking there is no way I am going to be able to afford the implant they want to put in to replace the tooth I lost. If I lost a second molar, also on the bottom and not on the same side, I was going to have a terrible time eating anything solid.

3- My ex-husband made a terrible financial blunder that affected me. We had a joint checking account so he could pay alimony to me. His paycheck was directed deposited into it, I would take out my alimony, and he would take out the rest. It was a system that was working as long as he didn't use the account for anything else.... as long....

He answered a "job" ad on Craig's List. He does freelance graphic design work. He was sent Postal Money Orders that he was instructed to cash and then send the money to a third party for supplies..... I know... and you know.... but he didn't seem to know.

He cashed three money orders for $990.00 each. He did it on the joint account he was not supposed to use for any other reason. Thankfully he only withdrew the money for two of them, but still, when the money orders came back as unpayable because they were counterfeit, it left this account... with my name on it... in the hole over $2000!! Fees were continuing to pile up and as of Monday, was approaching $2200.00.

When he told me about this, I immediately went to my bank and explained what he had done. I knew I could not get my name off that account until it was brought to a positive balance again, but I wanted to get my name off the other accounts I shared with my sons. The bank manager assured me it would be okay, because I am on Social Security, my money is federally protected. Since they cannot determine which money in any of those accounts is money from Social Security, all accounts with my name on them are protected.... I believed her. She told me to wait until all the bogus money orders were returned and then I was to go in and force the account closed. She would then set up a payment plan for him.

That was two weeks before. He had still not done anything to correct the situation.

I finally received photo copies of all three money orders at the end of the previous week, but hadn't yet made it into the bank to close the account and set up the payment plan. Having a car that needed repaired made that task difficult, and I had not been feeling well.

So by Monday, I was a mess. All three problems involved money... money I did not have. I did not know how I was going to be able to solve even one of these, let alone all three.

I finally called my home teacher. I cried... I sobbed... I could not hold it together... He asked me which problem was the most pressing on me. I said I really needed the car fixed, but I think it was probably the tooth. If I could get it worked on ASAP, then maybe it could be saved. I was thinking if the tooth root was cracked it would be open to infection like the other one I lost, and I wanted to prevent that. He told me he would make sure I could get to an appointment if I was able to get one. I called and left a message for my dentist at the dental school. He called my bishop.

Later that day I got a call back. I described what had happened and my dentist also thought I would probably loose the tooth. I really was devastated. I got an appointment for the next morning and secured my ride to get there.

I got a call from my bishop that night. Although he could not help me with all the work I still needed in my mouth, he did offer to help with a set amount towards fixing the one tooth. I was grateful and felt a bit of the burden lifted from my sagging shoulders.

The next day I made it to my appointment. My dentist started pushing on the tooth... no pain. He had me bite on a rod as he place it in different positions on that tooth... still no pain. Finally, he got a little bit of a reaction. Then he put a very cold piece of cotton on the place I had previously reacted to.... that was it!! OUCH!!! I then asked what I had begun to suspect... was it was a different tooth?

Yep, it was the molar behind it, the last one on that row. But the good news, he was unable to find a crack. He explained to me that it is possible to sprain a tooth. That the ligaments that hold the root in place can become sprained it traumatized. And biting on that unpopped kernel traumatized it. Normally that would not happen, but the tooth is weak, because it contains a rather large filling. He said to consider this a warning, the tooth is weak and it will eventually crack. And when it does crack, there is no saying how it will do it, if a cusp will break off, and if it can be saved at that point. The best course of treatment would be to take preventative action and get it crowned now.....

After a week, the tooth no longer hurts, which he told me would happen if he were correct about the sprain and not a crack. So now I'm looking at a fourth crown. With the help the bishop offered, I will be able to do it, my part being just 1/4 of the cost. I decided to take him up on the offer. Problem #2 had become manageable for me.

Later in the week Danny got an email answer from FedEx. They indicated the apartment number the package was left at. It was not ours. Thursday afternoon I walked up to that apartment, knocked on the door, and a young girl of about 20 answered. I asked her if a package had been delivered to her by FedEx last week to a Daniel Smith and she said she would check her room mate's room. She came back to the door with this rather large box... The package was found!!! Why she or her room mate didn't take it to the manager's office I don't know, but I'm grateful we got it back.

Two problems down, two were now manageable. Now I just need to have someone install the new distributor. My home teacher is working on arranging that for me.

I thought about this on Friday morning. Two problems brought down to a size I could handle. I felt watched over. The Lord truly was mindful of my situation. But I thought about that third one and wondered how that could ever get fixed.

I opened my email and found a message from my ex. It seems his work goofed and reversed the direct deposit, which he had stopped before his last payday, and his full paycheck was deposited into the account!! With that deposit 3/4 of the debt was taken care of. Again I felt the Lord's hand in this and felt grateful for answered prayers.

Because it was a mistake on his work's part, they reissued him his check. He just has to pay it back a little bit each pay period.

Unfortunately, on Saturday, someone in the branch in Mesa decided to take all the money out of all the other accounts my name was on. This is what I had specifically asked about and had been assured would not happen. The debt on the joint account was down to $118, but all the other accounts were at zero. I went back to the bank. I called my ex.

He in turn called his work and he is cashing in his vacation pay. With that, the debt will be gone and hopefully all the money taken from my sons and me will be replaced. If not, he has two weeks until his next paycheck to make it right.

I never would have dreamed this would happen. I was trying so hard to not be burdened by his mistake, but how could I not be? And come February 8th, if it is not resolved, I will be turned into Check Systems and be black balled from having a checking account for 5 years!!

Danny and I went to another bank on Saturday and opened a new account. I will not be left without an account because of a mistake I did not make.

Like I said, at the end of the week I realized how mindful of my problems the Lord really is. He has truly been working on them, lifting my burden. And He didn't just take half. He took 3/4 away from me, and let me know that the 1/4 he left me with, I can handle. If He had of taken all the burden I don't think I would have felt as blessed as I do now. By leaving some of it with me, He is letting me know he believes in me, He knows I can do it. And I can.