Saturday, December 25, 2010

Does The Date Matter?

Today is a day to give thanks for the miraculous birth, life, sacrifice, and triumph of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Today is not the only day to do this, but it is the day the world recognizes our wonderful Friend and Redeemer's birth.

Although tradition chooses to make December 25th this day of recognition, history and fact place His divine birth in the spring. For me, the date really doesn't matter nearly as much as the fact that it actually happened. He really was born in the meridian of time, when the world was prepared in advance to receive Him. Man may not have received him well, but the earth was ready, and His purposes were ALL fulfilled.

He came to save us from ourselves. We, the stubborn, headstrong, weak (yet falsely believe we are strong), naive (yet believe we are wise), beings who stumble around on this earth.

To me, every day is a day to celebrate His birth, His life, and His ultimate Gift. He gave us His Atonement. He gave us His Redemption. He gave us the ability to bring our broken lives to Him and in return receive His Wholeness and Perfection.

I have made huge mistakes in my life. I have suffered the consequences of those mistakes. I know now that I did not suffer the full weight of those consequences, because His divine love sustained me through those dark times. Were I to have been left alone I would have crushed and disappeared under the burden. But I didn't, because despite my mistakes, His love is stronger than any power of darkness. His love pierces the corners, the crevices, the deep, dark holes in our souls that we try so desperately to hide from and in.

It is in the hiding that we suffer.

It is my prayer for you and for me, that we will open our hearts even more, starting today. That the love of The Man Of Peace will penetrate more deeply, more fully, and more lastingly. That we will allow His love to destroy our hiding places, so that the darkness will find no place to dwell.

I know without doubt or reservation that He lives. I know His power is real, His love is real, and His Peace is real. I also know that following Him is the only real thing I want to do. I know that when I fall off His path, and I do and will again, that His hands are reaching for me to help me stand back up and reconcile with Him yet again.

I know that He loves me, and He loves you.

May He know that I love him back.

Friday, December 24, 2010

And The Winner Is...

I would like to say Thank You to all those who participated in my "read my blog and comment for a chance to win a Target gift card" drawing.

I'm sorry I didn't keep up with daily postings, I was under the weather most of this week and didn't do much of anything.

Well, it is now Christmas Eve.

I am feeling much better today and even managed to do some baking and delivered some presents.

Then I put all the names in a bowl and drew out one piece of folded paper.

The name on that piece of paper was:



Now, I've been thinking of doing this again. I can't afford the $25 gift card every month or so, but I can do 2 movie tickets to Cinemark, Regal, or AMC. These are 2 adult tickets good for non-starred attractions. The next drawing will be on March 1st, so be sure to keep coming back often and leave your comments.

Whoever leaves 2 comments tonight or tomorrow will get their name put in twice!! Leave 2 comments both days and get entered 4 times! Just leave a comment on two different postings of at least 6 words each, each day, and I will enter you twice. This is good only for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, 2010.

Thank you again and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Skip This One...

It's been one of those days. I'm cold, I'm groggy, a bit grouchy I think (will have to wait til I am around others to confirm that one), and just plain out-of-sorts. Can I just skip today?

It happens...

I woke up feeling chilled to the bone, and although a very hot shower helped, I still feel like I am going under... in slow motion...

I have accomplished very little today. Wrapped some presents, got some ready to mail... yes, I still have not mailed the Mesa gifts :-(.

I did load up the dishwasher too, so I guess you could say I was a little domestic today. lol

I watched an episode of NCIS. But that doesn't count for actually doing anything.

I would really like to just crawl back into bed, but there is another birthday party tonight for a grandchild. Last one of the year. Then in January it starts all up all over again... That happens where there are a dozen to keep track of, and we are growing past the dozen.

I love my grandkids. They are full of life. There was a time so very long ago that I was running around, screaming with joy, playing with siblings... I am glad the cousins can play together... Most of my cousins were too much older, too much younger, or were BOYS!!

It's about time to climb behind the wheel to get Danny at work and head out to the party. I hope to make it an early night tonight, and hopefully tomorrow I will be warmer.

No real progress on the resentments thing, but I am feeling weighed down... or maybe it's just the chill.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

What A Difference!!

I was so busy yesterday I didn't have the chance to collect my thoughts for a blog entry. It was a good day, spent with family, celebrating a couple of birthdays.

I started the day off in my usual place, my chiropractor's office. I prayed it would go well. I practiced my breathing. I thought about the resentments and how I had been feeling a bit lighter since I had put them into words.

The adjustment went incredibly well. The best I have had in longer than I can remember. My entire back and my neck did not resist. I was not tense!! Dr. M said it was actually "fun" for him, didn't bruise him at all! Wow! If just writing down my resentments could do that much for me, I can not even imagine how much benefit I will have when I actually process and let them go!!

I said a prayer of thanks to my Heavenly Father. He is guiding me through this, because even more them me, He wants me to be well and happy.

I've been praying about those resentments. I figured I was done writing them down and it was time to get to step two... I was wrong... I still have more to name before I can move on.

Having these resentments means I have not forgiven as I thought I had. It also means that I have been laying blame, which identifies more with a victim than a person taking responsibility for themselves. It has been my intention to take responsibility for my life, not to get stuck in blaming others for all the bumps in my road. Opps, I think I started addressing step two before I completely finished step one.

Who do I resent that I have not identified yet? As I prayed about it, the answer came clearly, but surprised me. Life is full of so many surprises...

Although the resentments I feel towards my dad and ex-husbands are both founded and rational, I also have some deeply buried resentments that are not only unfounded, they are outright irrational. They lay blame in such an inappropriate and judgmental way that they must be shattered to get rid of them. They are not ones that need to be processed, they need to be destroyed.

What are those resentments that would cut so deeply at my health and well-being? Who am I blaming so deeply? What did God know that I was hiding from myself?

The person I have resented the most, who I blame the most, who I have been the least willing to forgive.....

Is Me.

With those resentments in place, I don't have a chance...

As I said before these resentments are irrational... I blame myself for not using tools I didn't even have in the first place to make choices throughout my life. I resent I didn't act on knowledge I didn't have. I resent myself for not protecting myself. I resent myself for not protecting my children better. I resent myself for not paying attention to red flags, for attaching to the familiar, for being sucked into repeating situations.

I resent myself for not being perfect...

I think I am still not fully applying the Atonement to my life. It's time I read "Believing Christ" again. This book is about not just believing IN Christ, it is about BELIEVING CHRIST, believing HIM. That he CAN redeem, that He CAN heal, that He CAN help us to overcome ANYTHING. I've been encouraging a friend of mine to read it to help her, but I think I need it too. If you ever desired to obtain a working understanding of the Atonement, that is the book to read. "Believing Christ" by Stephen E. Robinson. Like me, you will probably want to read it over and over again.

I cannot hold myself responsible for things I did not know, for not using tools I did not have, for walking down paths where I didn't know any other path existed.

Yes, I need to shatter all the irrational, unfounded, inappropriate and judgmental judgments I have inflicted on myself. They need to be dispersed so completely there will be no way to ever bring them together again.

All my "shoulds" are wrapped up in those judgments. My counselor years ago used to tell me to quit "shoulding on myself".

Jesus Christ has the POWER to completely transform who I am, to build me into a person who is strong and able. There is only one person that can stop Him for doing this.... and that person is me.

May I stop getting in His way....

Friday, December 17, 2010


Another day comes to an end and I still have not put any thought into stage two of my assignment... I've been keeping my mind busy with other things so I don't have to think...

Do you think I'm avoiding???

Oh well, I'm avoiding... just for a little while... the job will get done...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

One of Those Days....

Today was a busy day that did not end as I had thought it would in the beginning.

Last night the car started making a grinding noise. This morning the brake light came on. As soon as I was able, I got it into a shop. Prognosis: the right rotor had seized up and it was grinding, metal on metal. The brakes never squeaked like they were supposed to, I guess that happened because the rotor had seized up. The left brakes weren't worn down as far, it was uneven and I don't really understand that. I sure wish the brakes had of squeaked.

Price: $414 and some change... OUCH!!! If they can save the rotor it will be about $260. I have a feeling the rotor isn't savable. They couldn't get to it today, so I left it at the shop and will get it back... and the bill... around noon tomorrow.

I don't like it when my plans get changed. I didn't get to go to my 12-step meeting tonight and I really missed it. Because of this change I had to change tomorrow also. I won't be spending the morning with a friend at the temple. We may not be able to do lunch either. Depends on when they call me to come and get it. I really enjoy visiting with this friend and am disappointed the plans got changed.

UPDATE: The next day... just a smiggin under $400, the rotors were shot.

I really didn't think on my assignment today, to much "other" going on.

But as I think now, one thought comes to mind.... I am glad I am more than a rotor... I am glad God did not see me as too worn out to bother with... I am very glad He saw and continues to see me as savable.

That is definitely something to be grateful for.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Addressing My Resentments....

I got an assignment today from my counselor. I have some writing to do. I suppose I should probably do this in a private journal, but I really don't get anywhere with that, I seem to be in need of feeling like I am conversing with someone else for me to be able to really write it out. This is one of the reasons I started this blog, so that I could talk to you. And that is why I value your feedback so much.

You would think I wouldn't want my "dirty laundry" to be out for the world to see it, but it really doesn't feel that way to me. I have had too many experiences where someone has said to me "wow, that is just how I feel" or "thank you for sharing, I needed to read that", for me to doubt that my writing has value to others. My deep desire is to help others, and for me that means writing it out for others to read.

So here I am, warts and all.....

We talked today in my counseling session about my anxiety and what I have discovered about it, including my feelings of resentment that I have linked to the anxiety, and why I won't let myself fully acknowledge the resentment. (See "Too Many Snags" 12/11/2010). We also talked about my tense body and inability to get good movement in my neck with an adjustment, and for that matter, all the pain and health issues of my body. Third, we talked about my catastrophic thinking, past self-destructive behavior, and what kind of "shoulds" and "should nots" I am telling myself now. Finally, my counselor wrapped them all together and asked me if they were all bundled together in one package.

You ever had an experience where someone said something to you and "WHAM!" you know it is true? That is what happened there. Yes, they ARE all bundled together. But I think in a different way than I originally thought. This is going to take some exploring...

So my assignment is.....
1) Identify what I am resentful of.
2) Identify why I won't let myself feel that resentment.
3) Identify the "shoulds" and "should nots" I am telling myself now.
4) Identify what triggers the catastrophic thinking and follow the direction it goes.

Wow, that is a big order to fill, but I feel it will be enlightening and helpful. I don't think I am going to get all this out in one post either. I also think this may become pretty heavy.

I've already written about the resentment. That because of the abuse from a young age my body and mind just don't work that well anymore. That both my father and 1st husband had made a commitment to care for me, provide for me, and keep me safe, but neither of them came close to fulfilling that commitment and instead I feel robbed of my ability to do those things for myself.

But I think the resentment goes deeper than that, and probably at some point it includes my 2nd husband as well. He is providing for me now, and in fact told the judge at our divorce hearing that he wanted to pay the alimony and asked her to please include it in the decree as written. But that is small compared to the hurt, betrayal, and abandonment I felt with the crashing of that marriage, and the alimony has an end. As I explore this I will see if he is in there too somewhere.

My father was a charismatic individual. He put on a front to the world and the world seemed to like him. He was also flirty, even flirting with my girl friends as a teenager. I always thought that odd and it embarrassed me.

I was the middle girl and child number three of four. I was the over-responsible, loyal, dependable one. I was trauma-bonded to my dad, and as I have thought about this today, I am understanding a bit more of how that happened. In a nutshell, trauma bonding is where the abuser also becomes the rescuer, so the victim begins to crave the company of the abuser, will defend the abuser, even with their life, and suffers anxiety when the abuser is not present. If you decide to google "trauma bonding", be forwarned, it gets pretty intense. I started to read a posting and decided it hit too close to home and I don't want to be triggered.

I won't go into details here, details are not necessary. Suffice it to say, there was a traumatic experience when I was six years old that cemented in me the desire to do anything and everything my dad told me to do. He would brag to anyone willing to listen "Sandy is my faithful one. She is loyal to a fault. She would do anything I asked her to do. She would jump off a cliff if I asked her to, no questions asked."

And with that trauma bond in place, I probably would have. Maybe my dad wasn't as charismatic as I thought, maybe it was just my perception of him through the trauma bond.

My dad died on my 22nd birthday. It was classified as an accidental drug overdose, but I have strong feelings it was not accidental. We had had a fight the day before, he had hurt my daughter, little 2 1/2-yr-old Michelle came screaming out of his room, terrified... Everyone else in the family had already dismissed him, he had become a weak old man. I, the loyal, faithful daughter, turned on him that day. You do not hurt my children, which was probably the only thing he could have done that would have caused me to turn on him. The next day he was gone.

I resent that he had such a tight hold on me. I resent that he stole from me, my health, my childhood, pretty much my life. He used to say he owned me, body and soul. He owned all of us. He would say "I brought you into this world and I can take you back out of it", and "I own you.. I own the very air you breathe, you do not take a breath without my permission".

I resent I didn't get to know what it was like to have a truly loving father. That he put me in danger so many times, real danger, not just perceived. I resent that he valued me so little, that I in turn did not learn to value myself. I resent that I had no working model of what a righteous man was like, so I couldn't pattern my choice of a husband on it. I resent that I stumbled around in the dark for years, trying to get my footing but constantly stepping in muddy holes instead, and falling on my face.

I resent that he didn't take care of me. He was my daddy, but I wasn't safe with him. I resent that I lost track of what safe was, so instead I clung to what was familiar. Familiar was abusive, familiar abandoned, familiar defined me as an object to be used to gratify carnal impulses, familiar defined my value as how I could be used by others.

I resent that he came between me and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. This is one I have worked hard on, but there are still some times my dad's abusive, sadistic attitude tries to overshadow my vision of a loving, nurturing, attentive, and compassionate Heavenly Father. This is why I still struggle with really believing I am important to God. I resent that I still have to tell my dad to shut up.

I resent my first husband too. I resent that he broke his promises to me. I resent his value of me was also defined by my being an object to gratify him. I intensely resent the way he treated our children, my babies, these beautiful little people who just wanted to be loved and nurtured. I resent him for the struggles my children have had to endure. I resent that he kept me weak, dependent, needy.

I resent I had to raise the children alone in order to keep them safe. I resent his care-free attitude that made it possible for him to abandon all of us. I resent that he still does not get it. I have given him opportunity to come clean with me, to take some responsibility in what happened. So far, I apologized to him for being angry and unapproachable, he said nothing back. Still has said nothing back.

I resent, that because of all the trust destroying experiences I have had with my father and both husbands, I am having a monumentally difficult time believing anyone is trustable with my heart. I see deception around every corner. Face value has lost it's value. I am closed, a wall, bricked up and reinforced with steel.

With this distrust how can I possibly ever have a meaningful relationship? I am unable to take care of me, I don't trust someone else to take care of me, geeze, I'm surrounded by rocks and hard places.

I resent my loneliness. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Not at 50. Not alone.

I look at all my resentments. A lot more than I had been willing to admit to myself before this exercise. The next step is to identify why I won't let myself feel them. Why I keep pushing them back down. I'll save that for another day, I think I've done enough digging for the day.

I think it's time to do something nice for me.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Taking a Risk....

I just did something I rarely do. I posted a comment on a friend's status in FaceBook that will definitely be controversial.

I thought about whether or not to say anything since last night. I really do not like to make waves, to confront, and to have to defend myself.

Other thoughts came to mind that helped me to gain the courage to say something.

When it comes to living God's laws, it is pretty "black and white". The scriptures tell us that if we are not for God, then we are against Him. If we do not stand up for what is right, then we are condoning through our silence, what is wrong.

"All it takes for evil to prevail in this world is for good men to do nothing." I don't remember who first said that, but it has stuck with me through the years.

Being a non-confrontational person, keeping silent is always easier. But in doing so I've realized I'm failing God's test. I'm not striving to gain strength, I'm strengthening my weakness.

The status, which I strongly disagree with, said the following:

"Let me get this straight - Larry King is getting his 8th divorce, Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time, Britney Spears had a 55-hour marriage. Jesse James and Tiger Woods are screwing EVERYTHING, yet the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage?? Really? REALLY......?? - Proud to support equal rights for ALL!"

Yes, REALLY. The family and marriage are in trouble.

I said what I felt in my heart to say. I could have said more, but it would have come across as attacking. I decided I did not do this to change anyone's mind, because in that format, I doubt I would. I did it to clear my own conscience that I stood for right and did not keep silent with a wrong.

I will say more here.

Marriage was instituted by God, not man. It is the arrogance of man to think he has the right to change God's law. That is really what all the wars and conflicts through the ages are about. Men who envision themselves above God, so therefor they have the power to make the laws as they desire and not as God made them. And to enforce their supposed power through violence.

If a person chooses to live their life contrary to God's law, they have the free will to do so. But, they must accept the consequences and limitations that go along with that choice. It is one of those "You can't have your cake and eat it too" situations.

As far as same-sex relationships are concerned, I do not see a difference between those and the lifestyle my ex-husband chose, or for that matter, Jesse James or Tiger Woods. They all are wrong in that they are participating in activity outside of marriage that is only meant to be within marriage. And changing the law to allow for same-sex relationships to be within marriage is really distorting what God meant to create when he created marriage.

Simply changing the rules does not make immoral behavior suddenly moral. What is moral or not moral is defined by the mind of God, not man. Since man cannot change God's mind, because he is Holy and unchangeable, what's the point in trying to change the law?

Another person left a further comment, that to be fair and not targeting a certain "lifestyle choice", would be to outlaw divorce altogether.

Ok, let's get real on that one. Marriage involves TWO people. If one of those people chooses to violate the covenant, then the other person has the right to opt out. How horrible it would be to forbid a battered wife to get away from a destructive marriage. And from experience and in talking to other women who married an adulterous man, she has been emotionally battered. Not to mention her very life is put at risk though his possible exposure to disease.

I do not believe in having our lives regulated by too many laws of man. The more the law regulates, the less people will think for themselves. The less people will hold themselves accountable for their actions and choices. Some law is needed, but less is better. Let instead, each person to be left to themselves with God's laws as He made them. Let each person accept and live the consequences of their choices, and discover for themselves, where true happiness lies.

The more the government gets involved, the less accountable the people become.

Leave the law where God put it.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Permission Granted....

Have you ever gone to church and felt the messages were catered to your needs? Today was one of those days for me.

You can hear the same lessons over and over, but then one day they click. Today that happened for me. It clicked. Believing I will be okay is not only exercising faith, it is also obeying what I have been told.

The talks were on obedience and faith. Sunday School was on Daniel and his faith to stand firm in his belief, even when the situation looked impossible to overcome.

One of the talks was from a recently returned sister missionary. She told of a man she had taught, who very much wanted to be baptized, but he was living with his girlfriend. He could not be baptized unless he chose to change the situation, so the sister missionaries spoke with him about it. He decided to ask his girlfriend and roommate to marry him. The next day the sister missionaries got a phone call from him... he asked and she said no. Now what to do?

The sister missionaries again told him that he could not be baptized while he lived in his present situation, so did he have enough faith to change it? His present financial situation was that he could not meet his needs on his own. But he wanted to be obedient, so he decided to move forward and pray for guidance. He would move out, but he didn't know how.

The next day, the sister missionaries received another call from him. He was calling from his bank. He had received, that day, a check from a lawsuit that took place 3 years earlier. A check he was neither waiting for nor expecting. The amount of the check was enough to sustain his needs for many months. His prayer was answered because he had chosen to be obedient even when he didn't know how he was going to proceed.

That story couldn't have been more catered to me. I am stressing and tense over my own financial situation, and my situation isn't as dire as his was. I am keeping myself from relaxing, even though I have received my answer from the Lord that He is aware of my situation and has a plan in motion to take care of me. I have not been behaving like I believe Him. I have not been obedient. I did not realize until today that my weakness of faith was a result of disobedience.

I think I got the permission I was looking for... from the right source.

To let go of the worry and stress would be to be obeying the promptings of the Spirit. So, exercising faith is more than just believing... it is obeying.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Too Many Snags...

I kept my weekly chiropractic appointment today. It did not go well. My neck and upper back have become so tight they simply won't adjust, or do so very little. This has been going on for quite some time. I laid on the table after the failed attempt and started to cry.

Dr. M, my chiropractor, asked me what was going on. I have been going to him for around 20 years, minus the 7 I was in Arizona. He saw me through the years I was in recovery counseling for child abuse. He was there for me through the end of my first marriage and now again after my 2nd. He has always been kind and caring towards me, although quite professional as well. I know he is genuine when he asks me what is wrong, and he reads me rather well.

It was hard admitting my concerns. I am pretty sure these concerns are what is causing me to be so tense. It is hard for me to say them here too, but I think if I get them out, I might be able to start letting go, then maybe I'll start having better adjustments, and healing in my neck and upper back.

I am concerned about my future, especially the finances part. For now I am okay, my needs are more or less being met, but in another year-and-a-half, that is going to change. That is when the alimony from my second husband will stop. That is when my income will be more than cut in half.

I've tried to hold down a job, I last about 2 months. Then the activity and stress become too much and I flare up and am just unable to go on. It takes months to recover. This has happened with my last 3 jobs.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have gone back to the 12-step group. Last week the step of discussion was step 8 - Forgiveness. As the night wore on, a thought started forming in my head. By the time the meeting was over, I was pretty sure I had figured out a few more things about me... and the anxiety attacks I have been dealing with lately.

I thought I had forgiven my father and first husband for the abuse/abandonment/betrayals. I realized that the forgiveness was not complete, that what was left had turned into resentment. I feel resentment towards them because what they did to me has impacted my health and ability to take care of myself. The physical and emotional abuse have taken a heavy tole on my physical frame and on my immune system. Although I have come a long ways towards becoming healthier, I still have enough limitations that a regular job is still out of the question.

The resentment tells me "they not only did not live up to their commitment to keep me safe, secure, and stable, their very actions towards me have created a situation where I am unable to do some of that for myself." They stole from me and left me holding an empty bag.

I believe the resentment is the root of the anxiety attacks. They stem from thoughts of being in crisis, of intense loss, of being powerless to better my situation. The anxiety attacks put me back in the victim stance. This is a place I do not want to be. The victim has no power. I am grateful I do not have to stay in this place and that I can get me out. I am grateful I now know I can make different choices. Having identified the problem, I can now begin work on the solution.

As I pray for guidance and direction towards knowing what to do to secure my future, the answer is always the same. "Don't worry about it... Trust Me". I wrote about this yesterday.

I have to figure out how to let go of these concerns. To completely trust God that He will make sure my needs are being met. I think the biggest snag in my trust is to believe He is satisfied with my efforts to do all that I can do. How do I become secure in knowing this? Is it possible to become secure in this? Or is the faith part where I have to believe without having the secure knowledge? There seems to be too many snags in my thinking to let the faith get a firm hold.

The really silly part about all this is I think I am looking for someone to give me permission to let go. No person can give me that kind of permission, so why am I still looking?

I think I have a lot of praying to do.

*Don't forget about my gift to you... read about it here, I haven't figured out how to put in the link, so copy and past here:

Friday, December 10, 2010

God Is Bigger Than The Boogie Man...

Well, I'm trying to write everyday...

Now I have to get my brain to think of something to write.

Veggietales is playing in the background... The girls are singing along... "broccoli, celery, gotta be..... Veggietales........"

I love these little movies. They teach wonderful biblical standards in a way little kids can understand. The one playing now is "Where's God When I'm Scared?"

Have you ever asked that question? How do I get past this? Where can I find relief from the stress? I need help, so where is it?

Lately I've been trying to set all my worldly concerns aside and just concentrate on trusting God. I can't change things outside me, I can only change me. I've prayed many times to understand what it is I need to do to protect my future. The answer I repeatedly receive back... "Trust Me"....

I'm smiling as I listen to the songs.... "God is bigger than the Boogie man, He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on tv.... Oh, God is bigger than the Boogie man, and He's watching out for you and me."

Yes, God is watching out for you and me... He knows what we need even before we know it. He knows my situation, He knows my concerns. He knows my desire to do what I need to do. He knows my limitations in carrying out my desires. His answers continues to be "Trust Me".

Maybe that is my answer because He knows how hard that is for me to do. To trust Him means to exercise complete faith. He wants to stretch me, mold me in His image. How can I become His image if I don't trust Him?

Trust God... two small but ultimately powerful words.

Two words that can move mountains, bring down cities, and calm the seas...

I need to shut the world off around me... I need to focus my heart outwards... Towards Him....

I used to say "God hasn't brought me this far only to drop me now"... I do believe that still applies.

The video is now over.... "Remember... God made you special and He loves you very much".

Yes, I can believe that now. I didn't always believe it, but now I do.

Where is God when I'm scared?

He's standing all around me, encouraging me, holding me up, coaxing me forward, preparing my way.

He simply is... and in that I can trust.

*Don't forget about my gift to you... read about it here, I haven't figured out how to put in the link, so copy and past here:

Thursday, December 9, 2010

A Thank You.....

Christmas is one day closer.

My friend Reema did a special thing on her blog ( and I really liked it. She put out a request to her readers to mail her a Christmas card and she would put all the cards in a drawing for a gift certificate to Starbucks. Her Christmas gift to her readers. She said there was only one gift certificate, but everyone who sent a card would get something.... I wanted to copy her, but realized I had a problem. Reema had a business address she could publish for the cards to be mailed to, but I don't have such a thing. It is not safe to publicly publish a resident address, so I've been racking my brain to see if I could come up with a feasible alternative.

I do believe I have been successful!

Here goes......

Thank you to my readers..... to my followers and those who come on anonymously.... Thank you for your comments and support.... I also have a Christmas gift for you. I will give away one $25 gift card to Target (can be used in store or online) to a reader whose name will be drawn on Christmas Eve. All you have to do is leave a comment of at least 6 words after one of my posts. For each day you leave a new and original comment, (no repeating the same thing over & over please) I will enter your name in a drawing. One entry per day, but you are welcome to leave as many comments as you like. Comments are moderated, so please be appropriate. Anonymous readers can remain anonymous on the blog, but you will have to let me know who you are to get your name in the drawing.

If you are anonymous, and would like to enter the drawing, send me an email with your name and a copy of your comment so I can enter you in the drawing (

You may also leave your mailing address so I can send you a Christmas card if you like. I will need the mailing address of the winner to deliver the gift card. All who give me their address will receive a card from me.

It is my goal to be more consistent at posting every day, but I may miss a few. Life does get busy, especially around the Holidays. Fell free to catch up on the archived posts & comment there. I will see all comments, no matter which post they are attached to.

Thank you again for your support and encouragement.

Merry Christmas!!!

God Bless You and Yours in the coming year.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Christmas Is Coming...

I love Christmas time.

I love the colors and the music. I love the nippy cold that makes hot chocolate so much better.

And I love having an excuse to go shopping.

I used to have fun with mistletoe.....

Oh well, maybe next year.

The plan has been to drive to Montana with Danny and enjoy a white and burringly (is that a word?) cold Christmas with my folks. I even got some small gifts for the Montana mountain man's two pre-teen kids. I have a joke gift in mind for him as well.... my step-dad seems to think I don't have a sense of humor, which I do.... I just happen to be of a more sober and serious nature than he is most of the time. I still know how to laugh, thank you very much.

So after hearing some of those hunting stories, I decided to get him (hunting mountain man, let's refer to him as "R" from now on) a pair of warm socks and a roll of tp. They do go together... but please don't ask how, just take my word for it that it is funny.

But now that the time is actually approaching and we've already been hit with some ice, I'm having serious rethinking thoughts.

The ice happened around Thanksgiving. Two families in my ward had family that flipped their cars attempting to make it to or from Thanksgiving dinner. Black ice is dangerous. I heard of other accidents from my Facebook friends. I really don't want to take that kind of a risk. Even if we get there okay, there is also the trip back.

So we thought maybe the train would be a good alternative. After discussing alternatives, Danny checked into the train prices... OUCH!! The rates about tripled for the holidays, to a whopping $760 for two round trip tickets from Portland, OR to Kalispel, MT. That is just too much for us. Flying is even more, and after taking a bus trip from Portland to Phoenix, I swore I would NEVER do that again!

So it is looking more and more like we might have to stay home and make the trip in a few months when the train rates get back to being reasonable, but there is still snow on the ground.

Turns out my daughters are all worried about us making the trip too, so the rethinking is becoming stronger and stronger.

So, if the final decision is to stay home, we are going to have a belated Christmas in February. I'll take my gifts with me then..... and I know "R" will appreciate my "subtle" reference to his hunting stories.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Is It Really So Hard To Make A Friend?

I've been talking to my counselor about whether or not I am ready to start dating.... that is of course, assuming I might actually get asked out by someone.

She thinks I am ready, but cautioned me that stuff will probably get snagged. I have relationship issues big time, who wouldn't with what I have been through? The problem is that it just isn't possible to work through relationship issues without actually being in a relationship. So in other words, my relationship issues, which will probably bulldoze a relationship, cannot be overcome unless I am in a relationship... why do I feel like I am in a "Catch 22" situation?

I have decided that maybe the next step should be a less daring one. No relationship, just a friendship... You would think that might be easier than it is to accomplish.

I really don't think that I am a scary person. I may not be knock-out gorgeous, but I am not unpleasant to look at... I do smile... I do talk when approached... I have even been known to start conversations sometimes...I don't hide in the shadows... Then why does it seem so hard to find a guy who will be a friend?

There is the mountain man in Montana. He is nice, in a gruff, say-it-like-it-is kind of way. But Montana is pretty far to develop and maintain a friendship. My mom told me the other day that he asked about me. This is fine, but I was kinda hoping for someone a bit more local.

I've gone to the "singles functions" at church. But the people there seem to be either desperate females, or men who prey on desperate females ... or guys that are just too young. Even if I am looking for just a friendship, I think age does matter. I would like someone that I have things in common with. I just wasn't comfortable there, so I haven't gone back.

I've met a few single guys at church. Most ignore me... or avoid me. You'd think I was carrying the plague or something. Maybe being a single, middle-aged woman at church is the same as having the plague. Remember those singles functions I mentioned above... desperate females and all? I do not act desperate, all flirty and such, but I've seen the over-the-top flirting that goes on from a distance.

At least I don't think I act that way, once upon a time I used to, but I don't believe I do now. I pretty much take my cue and keep my distance and just watch.

So I'm really left with few options on how to meet someone. I decided to take this problem to my Heavenly Father, He would certainly know who I might be able to be friends with. I'll do what I can, but I think I really do need help in this area.

Maybe in a few months, after the Holidays are over, I might venture out again.

Geeze, why is it so hard to find a new friend?