I really don't like writing when I'm feeling down. I think I come across as being more depressed than I really am.
I got an email from my brother this morning. He read my post from a few days ago and wanted to make sure I knew I wasn't worthless.
Let me assure you I do not believe I am worthless, I just feel that way sometimes. There is a difference, at least to me, between feeling and knowing. I know I have value, it just feels less sometimes. Especially when I am unable to be productive.
Does that make any sense?
No one is worthless. Our value is beyond measure. I matter... you matter...
Bridgette wrote in her blog about how sometimes depression can be lifted through service to others. I wholeheartedly agree. It isn't always the solution, especially if there is a chemical imbalance. My depressions over the years have been chemical issues more than service issues. But even when I am down, if I am able to set myself aside and help someone else, it lifts me up a little. At least I am better off than I was before.
I think my brother wrote that to me because he remembers how bad I was in the past. I felt very little of myself for many years. In fact, I spent a great deal of time and energy trying to destroy myself. I knew I could not destroy my existence, so without realizing what I was doing, I tried to destroy my relationship with Heavenly Father. That if I worked hard enough at it I could convince Him that He was wrong and I wasn't worth His effort.
I even, in my stupidity, told Him that once. I told Him He should just throw me away. His response to that you ask?
He showed me what it would feel like to be thrown away. For a split second I felt His Spirit withdraw entirely from me. I was, for that tiny moment, in outer darkness. The air was thick and dark, I couldn't breath, fear exploded inside me. I was alone more than anyone could possible imagine. The aloneness was deep and penetrating. It was a void beyond description. All this happened in a fraction of a second, yet it had a lasting effect on me.
Immediately I apologized, I was wrong. And immediately His Spirit returned. I felt myself wrapped in His love, in His presence, in His light. I would never recommend to anyone to do that, it was the among most frightening experiences of my life.
I do not picture Him as being angry at me for what I said. But rather, I picture Him as a loving parent who, behind a knowing smile, allowed me to suffer a consequence in order to learn a lesson. How many times do we, as parents, stifle a smile in order to not ruin the teaching moment? As young children, we all can do the dumbest things sometimes.
Today I am not that same person. I know I have value. I do not doubt it. Heavenly Father has been good to me, even when I haven't be good to myself. He has worked hard to plant deep in my heart that I matter. And I do matter. So do you.
I didn't mean for this blog to become so much about me, but somehow that is what it has become. I have been told by others who have read my writings, here and in other places, that I am able to express in words the feelings they have inside, and it helps them. For this reason I will continue to write. It is my heart felt desire, not to make it all about me, but to reach out to others and help in any way I can.
The world isn't about me, and it isn't about you. It is about us, and how we, together, can return to our loving Father in Heaven.
The Forever Journey
The Journey of a Thousand Miles,
It is said, begins with a single step.
So go our lives, each day that we live,
Be it smiles or tears that are wept.
For under the facade of the games that we play,
Behind all the bustle and stress,
Lives a soul that is simple, a child that is pure,
A desire for Eternal progress.
This is the journey that forever holds,
Take each day, each moment in time.
Build upon principles of Faith, Love, and Hope.
And follow Christ's example sublime.
Then forever will be full of beauty and grace,
The wonders of Heaven opened wide.
Forever with Father is worth what it takes,
It is worth traveling this path side by side.
Travel we will, though the way may seem hard,
At times on our knees we must crawl.
But Father is there, His presence is sure,
And He welcomes us home one and all.
Please come with me as my journey begins,
And I will go with you on yours.
Together we will travel and discover ourselves,
And find peace and joy evermore.
c Sandy Smith 1992
10 months ago