What do we do when it looks like the world is falling apart and there is no where to find a clear breath?
Where do we go when the blackness seems to be all around us, and it is difficult to keep from being swallowed up in it?
How do we get through the day when panic seems to be a constant companion and help seems to be just too far to reach?
How do we keep from numbing out and giving up?
I think perspective makes all the difference. How am I choosing to view this moment? In whose care am I placing my trust?
I received an email from my ex-husband the other day. He is struggling. His finances are in deep trouble, and because of that, mine are in jeopardy. That is because at this time, I rely on alimony from him. I know this is not an ideal situation for me to be in, but until I can find an alternative source of income, this is what I have.
He told me he is close to giving up. He said he wasn't sure anything mattered anymore. He said he was numbing out.
I understand how someone can end up feeling that way. Sometimes we dig ourselves into these deep pits and are not sure how to get out, or even if we want to. We convince ourselves the whole world is the pit, and no matter what we do, it will always be nothing more than the pit. I've been in that pit more times than I would like to admit.
But I'm not in that pit today. I'm hanging onto something else. I keep thinking about my income predicament and wonder what to do. I've prayed about it, and I keep getting the same answer - not to worry about it. I don't really understand that, but I feel comfort with that answer and that is what I will hang on to.
I didn't pursue a career when I was younger, I was a stay-at-home-mom and I loved that job. I worked hard at home, although that doesn't mean my house was very clean. With six kids spaced in a 10 year period of time, it was a challenge. Add on top of that a nonsupporting husband, in both physical and emotional needs, and a time in my life where the events of my traumatic childhood began to come to the surface, and I will honestly say my house was far from where I would have liked it to be.
With my lack of education and my disability, I have sometimes felt like I was a burden on others. I don't remember things very well, which can be very frustrating. I want to be able to do things for others, but more often than not, I will forget. I used to volunteer to give service quite a bit, but I stopped doing this when I found I was consistently letting others down. This happened to me last week. I thought I would give it another try. I volunteered to go to a sister member's house last Friday morning for two hours. She had recently been in the hospital and was recovering at home. The time slot was from 8am to 10am. I set my phone calendar to go off that morning to remind me. I thought about it all week. I wrote it on the calendar in the hallway. I was excited to serve.... Then on Friday morning, at exactly 10am, I remembered I was supposed to have done something that morning. I was devastated that I had forgotten... again. I don't know why my phone did not go off to remind me, but it didn't. I checked the entry and it looked ok, but it didn't go off. I made a call to apologize and cried for a while. I'm not sure when I will try again, yet I really want to be there for others.
I am not going to let the depression of my ex-husband wear me down. I am not going to become fearful that I will loose my income because he gives up and quits his job (that is what my first husband did, he never kept a job longer than 2 years). I am going to continue to trust the Lord to take care of me. He knows what I have been through, how much I have worked to take care of myself and my family through the years, and where my heart is now. The desires of my heart do not match my physical ability to carry them out. He knows this too.
Bridgette says I do more than I give myself credit for. Recently I have had conversations with a couple of friends from my past. Both women stated to me that I was always busy, always making things, whether it be food or crafts, and they were amazed at how much I got done. I forget about that now, I struggle with feeling that I am lazy. That I have always been lazy. But I think that is a lie someone is whispering in my ear to discourage me.
My second husband used to call me a "workaholic with a body that won't co-operate". When I am feeling good, I get a lot done. I want to be active and busy. But it has been a long time since I have felt good enough to be that way. I don't know why, but my body really hurts. If I went to the doctor he would just count it up to fibromyalgia, that is what always happens. He might order a few tests or try to write me a prescription (which I won't take), but in the long run, I will have just wasted time and money for the same answers.
Danny says this happens to me every year when the weather warms up. He is probably right. I seem to remember something about that. This year I am not in the desert, I guess I thought this year would be different. But I had fibromyalgia before I moved to the desert, when I lived here before. So why would I suddenly be well when I moved back? I guess I was a bit too hopeful.
I read again today that there is income to be earned in blogging. But I need to increase my skills in this area. I need to learn how to make this blog look nicer and also to take more pictures. It would help if I would actually remember to take my camera with me when I go out. So far I have been to the beach, visited museums, spent time with family, and enjoyed the beauty around me. But have not remembered to take my camera with me when I go.
One day at a time.... I will keep my perspective facing towards God.
I am going to Montana in August to visit my mom for two weeks. I had better remember to take my camera with me then. I have never been to her house there and am excited to finally be able to see it.
3 months ago