I've written a bit about it, being that I just turned 50 and all.
A friend posted in Facebook: "How did we meet? (copy and paste this to your status and see who remembers!)".
So I did. An interesting conversation ensued.
I'm really not THAT old, I mean, 50 still has the potential for many, many more years to go. Maybe it's past the halfway mark, but I could still be around for another 30 or 40 years. And that is a lot of years still.
But in the conversation I realized that I had known some of my friends for 30 or 40 years! Wow, how could I be old enough to mark my friendships in so many decades?
Is this what it means to be "middle aged". To be able to look back at decades of life? To look forward and realize that there are more years behind than in front?
As I think about it I realize I am okay with it. My life has been a roller-coaster ride, that is for sure. I have survived an abusive childhood, been raped more than once, had my life threatened at gun point, knife point and forced drowning. I have been married twice to unfaithful men, and have struggled with the consequences of poorly made decisions.
But I have also had the joy of raising 6 incredible children. Each one has been a blessing and source of growth for me. They all have qualities I admire. I see things in them I would like to make better in me. Even Bobby, my autistic son who will probably never really grow up, shows me courage to face the scary unknown, to reach outside his very small comfort zone and breath in a new day. Every day.
If I had it to do over again, I'm not sure I would change anything. Each of my experiences has made an impact on me. They have helped to shape who I am. Some of it may not be good, but it is in the trials that we find the need for Christ in our lives. Each day I realize so much more how much I need my Savior in my life.
I think Middle Age also means letting go of the craziness of having a house full of little ones. It's time to move on. It's time to take my focus off taking care of others and really learn to take care of me. Because of my health I think it is obvious I didn't pay enough attention to me in my youth.
Today is moving day for Tiffany and her girls. Tonight the house will be quiet. Tonight I can leave something out and not be afraid it won't be there in the morning (or in 2 minutes). Tonight I will again be the only woman in the house. For those who have never done it, sharing a home with another adult woman is not the same as sharing it with children... or a man.
I'm going to miss them. It will take some getting used to the quiet and lack of craziness. But I'm middle aged now, and I'm moving on.
9 months ago