Thursday, July 29, 2010

A Quiet House...

As a young mother I used to dream of time spent alone. I yearned for it, and rarely got it. There were always little ones around, mouths to feed, diapers to change, fights to stop or owies to kiss.

But I'm not a young mother anymore...

It is interesting, I have found through the years that those things I thought for sure that I wanted and desired so badly turned out to be much less than I thought.

Being in a quiet house is not all it's cracked up to be.

On a different note, I just finished reading "The Overton Window" by Glenn Beck... Scary book... I agree with the author, that I hope it is far more fiction than fact.

I find comfort in reading the scriptures. There is stability there, there is evidence of the strength of God. There is evidence all around us, but in the scriptures it is in print. There is too much chaos and evil in print too, and on the airwaves, and in the minds and hearts of people walking the streets and driving the freeways. This world is certainly not an Eden.

I know the Lord is coming, I have no doubt it will happen someday, and that day will not be too far off. I just wish at times that it were all over, and the peace would be here at last. I do not think that those who are in power, on every level, are really all that interested in peace. Power and money seem to be more of an objective.

Why does this sound a lot like my first marriage??? Not that there was a lot of money, there wasn't. But I didn't have power either. I was what has been coined as a "married single", all the responsibility with none of the power... or money I might add.

I guess I'm feeling kinda down again. I need my heart to grab a hold on some positives. Mainly, I think it could all be summed up to one thing.... again, lack of money.

I have enough to get by, but there is so much more I would like to do... If I owned my own home, then Danny could move in with me and he could keep his dog (even though I'm not particularly fond of her, he is). I want so much to be a safe haven for my children, I always did, but I don't think I have been able to fulfill that desire very well.

Danny has been staying with me for a few weeks. He needs to find a place of his own, but money for him is also tight. And he has a dog. The dog isn't here now, it is with Bridgette, but she (the dog) misses him and this needs to be resolved.

I guess I didn't touch on too many positives did I?

Bridgette would tell me to "Fill My Cup". I would tell me to trust God. Those are two very good pieces of advice and I think I will take them both.

Friday, July 23, 2010

To Open a New Door...

I've started several posts, only to get stuck before I could finish them. Here is another attempt...

I have had a lot on my mind. Where is my life leading me? How am I to get there? Am I following the Lord's will or stuck in my own? Experience has taught me that I am much safer following the Lord's will. Mine usually just gets me into trouble.

I was recently introduced to a book called "The Emotion Code". It was written by a chiropractor who began to notice the emotional reactions of some of his patients when he adjusted their spines. That somehow the adjustment released those emotions. My own chiropractor once told me he has experienced the same phenomena. It has also happened to me once after an adjustment.

The book is written in the category of energy medicine. It describes the energy of a trapped emotion as a ball of energy, trapped in a part of the body. This trapped emotion has a vibration that differs from the vibration of the tissue, and dominates the tissue vibrations, changing them and causing an imbalance in the system. Restoring balance is done through magnets. Having already learned a bit about vibrational/energy medicine, I was intrigued. After having read the entire book, I have found there was nothing that I found offensive to my belief system.

So I am asking myself, is this a direction the Lord would have me follow? Nothing in it offends my personal beliefs, and I feel it is worth exploring further.

What I do understand about my mission here on this earth, is that I am supposed to help others. I also feel that help is to encompass both physical and spiritual nurturing. I have already studied and obtained a certificate in Holistic Nutrition. But I do not feel my education is complete. I have done some studies in Herbology, and have some other interests in Alternative Medicine, including Vibrational or Energy Medicine.

I guess I need to follow my own advice, the counsel I give to my children and others that present the need to make a decision and finding it hard. Pray about it. The Lord will never lead us astray. Through prayer I can discover what the Lord's will is for me. And find out if this is a path I would benefit in taking? Is it time to open a new door and bravely step through it?

I am so grateful for the opportunity to pray over my decisions and problems. It is comforting to know I am not alone, and that someone wiser than I is willing to guide me through this unpredictable experience called life.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


What do we do when it looks like the world is falling apart and there is no where to find a clear breath?

Where do we go when the blackness seems to be all around us, and it is difficult to keep from being swallowed up in it?

How do we get through the day when panic seems to be a constant companion and help seems to be just too far to reach?

How do we keep from numbing out and giving up?

I think perspective makes all the difference. How am I choosing to view this moment? In whose care am I placing my trust?

I received an email from my ex-husband the other day. He is struggling. His finances are in deep trouble, and because of that, mine are in jeopardy. That is because at this time, I rely on alimony from him. I know this is not an ideal situation for me to be in, but until I can find an alternative source of income, this is what I have.

He told me he is close to giving up. He said he wasn't sure anything mattered anymore. He said he was numbing out.

I understand how someone can end up feeling that way. Sometimes we dig ourselves into these deep pits and are not sure how to get out, or even if we want to. We convince ourselves the whole world is the pit, and no matter what we do, it will always be nothing more than the pit. I've been in that pit more times than I would like to admit.

But I'm not in that pit today. I'm hanging onto something else. I keep thinking about my income predicament and wonder what to do. I've prayed about it, and I keep getting the same answer - not to worry about it. I don't really understand that, but I feel comfort with that answer and that is what I will hang on to.

I didn't pursue a career when I was younger, I was a stay-at-home-mom and I loved that job. I worked hard at home, although that doesn't mean my house was very clean. With six kids spaced in a 10 year period of time, it was a challenge. Add on top of that a nonsupporting husband, in both physical and emotional needs, and a time in my life where the events of my traumatic childhood began to come to the surface, and I will honestly say my house was far from where I would have liked it to be.

With my lack of education and my disability, I have sometimes felt like I was a burden on others. I don't remember things very well, which can be very frustrating. I want to be able to do things for others, but more often than not, I will forget. I used to volunteer to give service quite a bit, but I stopped doing this when I found I was consistently letting others down. This happened to me last week. I thought I would give it another try. I volunteered to go to a sister member's house last Friday morning for two hours. She had recently been in the hospital and was recovering at home. The time slot was from 8am to 10am. I set my phone calendar to go off that morning to remind me. I thought about it all week. I wrote it on the calendar in the hallway. I was excited to serve.... Then on Friday morning, at exactly 10am, I remembered I was supposed to have done something that morning. I was devastated that I had forgotten... again. I don't know why my phone did not go off to remind me, but it didn't. I checked the entry and it looked ok, but it didn't go off. I made a call to apologize and cried for a while. I'm not sure when I will try again, yet I really want to be there for others.

I am not going to let the depression of my ex-husband wear me down. I am not going to become fearful that I will loose my income because he gives up and quits his job (that is what my first husband did, he never kept a job longer than 2 years). I am going to continue to trust the Lord to take care of me. He knows what I have been through, how much I have worked to take care of myself and my family through the years, and where my heart is now. The desires of my heart do not match my physical ability to carry them out. He knows this too.

Bridgette says I do more than I give myself credit for. Recently I have had conversations with a couple of friends from my past. Both women stated to me that I was always busy, always making things, whether it be food or crafts, and they were amazed at how much I got done. I forget about that now, I struggle with feeling that I am lazy. That I have always been lazy. But I think that is a lie someone is whispering in my ear to discourage me.

My second husband used to call me a "workaholic with a body that won't co-operate". When I am feeling good, I get a lot done. I want to be active and busy. But it has been a long time since I have felt good enough to be that way. I don't know why, but my body really hurts. If I went to the doctor he would just count it up to fibromyalgia, that is what always happens. He might order a few tests or try to write me a prescription (which I won't take), but in the long run, I will have just wasted time and money for the same answers.

Danny says this happens to me every year when the weather warms up. He is probably right. I seem to remember something about that. This year I am not in the desert, I guess I thought this year would be different. But I had fibromyalgia before I moved to the desert, when I lived here before. So why would I suddenly be well when I moved back? I guess I was a bit too hopeful.

I read again today that there is income to be earned in blogging. But I need to increase my skills in this area. I need to learn how to make this blog look nicer and also to take more pictures. It would help if I would actually remember to take my camera with me when I go out. So far I have been to the beach, visited museums, spent time with family, and enjoyed the beauty around me. But have not remembered to take my camera with me when I go.

One day at a time.... I will keep my perspective facing towards God.

I am going to Montana in August to visit my mom for two weeks. I had better remember to take my camera with me then. I have never been to her house there and am excited to finally be able to see it.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Being of Use to God.....

I got told off a few weeks ago... but somehow that just confirms to me that I am doing the right thing.

I just don't get told off very often. I started to write about it then, but got sidetracked.

I have a friend who is going through the same ordeal I went through a few years ago. Her husband is a cheater, both online and off. I do not have to meet him to know what lies he is telling or manipulations he is trying to pull on her... He fits the pattern perfectly.

Addictions have their own personality, their own presence. The addiction controls the person, not the other way around. Those with addictions are very predictable. They will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and crazy-make in order to get their fix. The addiction wants the fix, no matter the cost or who is hurt in the process. The person may feel bad and apologize later, but that is just a lie the addiction perpetuates in order to keep those it can use off balance. The only true apology comes after Godly Sorrow, a process in repentance. If there is arrogance present, Godly Sorrow is not.

I recently thought of an analogy about addictions. Have you ever watched the show "Stargate"? In the story line, there is a parasite called a "gao'uld" that invades host humans. The parasite is strong and takes over the human body. The person inside is helpless to stop the words and actions the gao'uld performs. The gao'ulds are arrogant and ruthless, not caring who or what is destroyed in their path for power, control, and domination. Addictions are very much like the gao'uld. Persons with addictions are arrogant and selfish. They will use whoever is in their path to get their fix. Although the gao'uld attack their victims to enter, addictions don't attack, they are invited in through decisions.

I've lived through that nightmare with an addict husband. The lies become so intense that a person stuck in a co-dependent relationship can loose their grasp on reality. They need support from outside that relationship in order to leave it. Co-dependency in itself is an addiction and can destroy a person, can literally bring on an early death through the stress it lives on.

I am doing my best to be a support for this new friend. She told me she thinks she prayed me into this ward, so that she could meet me. I think she is probably right. God uses us to help others, and that kind of using is completely welcome to me.

Her husband is not so happy that she has met me. I am a thorn in his side, an adversary to the greatest degree... or so he thinks. I think his greatest adversary is God, because I do believe God has put me in her life to help her find her strength to get away from him. God will continue to put others in her life to help her for as long as she needs it and is asking for it.

He located me through her facebook and sent me a message. He thinks he told me off, threatening me that my eternal salvation was in jeopardy because I was spreading gossip and lies about him. I had to laugh at that one. All I did was help her so see his lies, and to help her not to get pulled back into his trap. He is a sex addict and he knows he is. He just doesn't want anyone else to know. What is ironic about that is without realizing it, addicts shout their addictions from the rooftops. Their behaviors are so predictable you can almost watch the path before they even step onto it.

I did not respond to him, that would have just fed into his addiction. My friend stated to me she was surprised he didn't come on to me, suggesting I meet with him so I can get to know the real him. Maybe he would have, had I responded. Instead, I blocked him. There is no reason for me to have any contact with him.

I feel a strength in being able to walk away from his attack without responding. I could not always do that. It would have eaten at me until I gave in, which would not have been more than a few days at most. This incident happened a few weeks ago, and I am only writing about it now because I came across a little notation I made that reminded me of it, and I thought this experience might be of benefit to another.

I find comfort in the confirmations I receive that I am doing something right. Getting told off by an addict was a confirmation to me. Thank you Heavenly Father, for believing in me enough that You felt I could be of use to help another of your precious daughters.

And also Heavenly Father, please help your addicted sons find their way back to you. I do not need to have contact with him nor do I want it, but I can still pray for him and my ex-husband, that they will change their paths and gain back their selves.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Last Week....

It was a full week. I love full weeks!

I spent last weekend with Bridgette and her family. It was the 4th so she had friends over as well. It was nice being in an active house... mine had become so empty.

I took Danny to work early Monday morning then headed for home. Danny spent the week with me, so it was my job to take him and pick him up. And I get to keep the car!! Yes, I have a car again!!

Tuesday I was back at Bridgette's in Woodburn. We were going to go to movie day at a local theater, but one of her kids was sick. So instead we folded laundry. I had stopped at Walmart before I got to her house, and had found a boxed set of X-Men for $10, all three movies which I had not watched all the way through. Yes, I am a Sci-Fi fan, but I had never really gotten around to actually getting interested in the X-Men movies. But $10! I am a sucker for a good deal.... I bought the movies.

So Tuesday we watched the X-Men movies and folded laundry. I have my own way of watching movies and doing chores at the same time. I love that you can pause the DVD's, which I do and would drive others nuts. So, when a basket is folded, the movie gets paused and the clothes get put away. Simple and productive yet fun. So Bridgette's mountain of laundry got smaller and the clothes made it all the way to their final destination. AND... I actually watched the X-Men, so I understand the story line at last!! I guess I can die content now that I know what happened to the X-Men!! (That comment was for those who look at me with shocked faces that I actually was not/am not a die hard fan of the X-Men... you know who you are!!)

Wednesday was supposed to be a day of rest, trying to gather my energy for Thursday, but it was hot (101 degrees) so Tiffany came home with her girls and a couple of tag alongs. The a/c got used for the first time, and the house was busy.

Thursday I went with Bridgette and her rug rats to Astoria. That was a great day. We started at the Battery Russel, which is in the day park area of Fort Stevens. We climbed through the old cement bunkers at the only place the Japanese bombed the continental USA during WWII. Since the fort was understaffed and undergunned, the powers-that-be decided not to return fire, so the Japanese continued on their way, not knowing exactly where the fort was. My dad was in Astoria at the time of the bombing, he grew up there. My mom told me that he actually stood at the top of a hill, being almost 12 years old, and watched the bombing take place!

Friday was "girls night in" at Bridgette's. She invited a friend over, and me, and we watched "The 10th Kingdom". Or should I say, they watched and I slept! I just ran out of umph!! The gave themselves pedicures and watched the whole thing!! I think it ended at about 3am!!

It was a busy week, and I really enjoyed it, but I was so exhausted by Saturday I spent a lot of the day in bed. I guess I can't do too many of those kinds of weeks very often.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I've Been Found!!

I've reconnected with another friend. This is one I have searched for years to try and find. Yesterday, I went into Facebook and there she was! She found ME!!!

We were the best of friends when we were young brides. I met her when I was pregnant with Michelle and she was newly married. My husband and I were shopping for a Christmas tree and bumped into a guy I knew when I was single. I introduced him to my new husband and he introduced us to his new wife. I remember secretly being a little jealous of her. I had wanted to date that guy when I was single but he wasn't interested. She obviously had sparked his interest. Silly things we remember. I also remember thinking how dumb I was being, here I was married and pregnant and jealous of her.

The jealously didn't last at all. Just a few weeks later, we met them again at church. She and her husband had become the apartment managers of a complex a few blocks away from us. I took her an apple pie after church to welcome her to the area and ward. We hit it off from then on.

We clung to each other through the hardships of being new moms, always broke, and husbands who did not step up to the plate of responsibility for their families. We used to go to the grocery store and fill our carts with the items on our WIC vouchers, and practically drool over the other carts with meat and produce in them. We spent hours together. We needed each other to get by. Our families grew and we each moved several times. We continued to see each other, but not as much. But when we did, the friendship was always there.

She divorced first. I remember thinking how brave she was. I remember thinking I could never survive the hardship she was going through. By the time I divorced, she had moved away and we had lost touch.

Yesterday when I went onto my Facebook account, I saw a new friend request. When I opened it I was elated. After all these years, nearly 14, we had found each other again. There are some friends you never forget, she is absolutely one of them. We are now writing back and forth, updating each other on all that has happened in the years between, during her breaks at work. I hope we can connect by phone this weekend.

Is that what it is going to be like in Heaven, when this life here on earth is over? After all these years will will be able to recognize our friends and loved ones and pick up as if no time had passed? We will have so much to tell each other. Will it be that we were valiant and strong? That despite the adversity, the sorrow, the hardship, we hung on?

My story will be more like I fell flat on my face, but I let the Lord pick me up and help me to stand again. Through that experience I have gained many valuable treasures. I am grateful to know just how much the Lord truly does love me. How much He loves us all.

It doesn't really matter which story we tell. What matters is that we pick ourselves up as many times as we fall. It matters that we are standing and not still fallen to the ground. It matters in whose grasp we let ourselves be held.

We are told that we must endure to the end.... Sometimes we forget that the end is still in the future. I find comfort in knowing that all the Lord really requires of me is that I do my best each day. Some days my best isn't much, but it was the best I could give that day. I think some days, I give more than I realized I did.

I am looking forward to many more joyful reunions.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

An Example of Strength...

Do you ever have mood swings? or am I the only one?

Some days I seem to spend the whole day in front of my computer screen, and others I just don't want to even sit down. I've had a lot of the latter type days lately.

I've been going to the chiropractor every Saturday for quite a while. He kinda groans when he adjusts my back, and tells me I'm really tight. Every week the same thing. I don't try to be tense, but with all the junk life keeps throwing at me, I guess it is expected. My appointments have also been early in the morning, early like 7:45am. I've had to borrow Tiffany's car and early was the only way I could be sure I could get there. Being so early means I am still stiff from the night.

Today I did something different. I went to my appointment 20 minutes early. I was able to walk around the block a few times and get my muscles loosened up. It made a difference. I wasn't as stiff. I also completed my walk after the adjustment before I got in the car to go home. I have found that walking after an adjustment helps it to stay put longer.

I've spent the week alone in my apartment. At least alone at night. I used to think I would love to be alone, when I had all those kids running around and making so much noise I couldn't hear myself think. But now that it is quiet, I am lonely. Not so much lonely for the constant crying and fighting of kids, but for someone to just be there.

I was talking with Bridgette about this the other day when we went to the temple. The temple is such a peaceful place, so close to God. I mentioned to her how I have been thinking of Moroni a lot lately. Of how he spent years all by himself after his people were all dead. I wonder how he did it. The loneliness must have been so difficult for him. Yet he continued on and finished the work the Lord asked him to do.

For those who are not familiar with who Moroni was, he was the final writer of the Book of Mormon. There were actually two men named Moroni. The first was a righteous young man who became captain of the Nephite army about 74BC. This was Captain Moroni. The second was alive about 400AD, and as I said, was the final writer. He was the son of Mormon, another great leader and prophet. He spent the last 20 or so years alone, obeying the commandment to finish the work and seal up the book to the Lord to be brought forth when the Lord saw fit.

There were two main factions of the early American people, who later became known as American Indians or Native Americans. The factions were known as Nephites and Lamanites. They all came from the same family, the father being Lehi, who was led out of Jerusalem about 600BC, right before it fell. The two oldest sons were not that righteous and they split off and named themselves after the eldest son, Laman. Lehi also had a son named Nephi, who was very righteous, and the people who stayed true to God named themselves after him.

So, over the thousand years the Book of Mormon covers, these people, the Nephites and the Lamanites, were almost always fighting. The reason is pretty similar to the fighting between the Jews and the Arabs. Land inheritance and birthright. Sometimes the loyalty to God switched sides though. Sometimes the Nephites were the wicked ones and the Lamanites were the more righteous.

Near the end of the book, about 400BC, both sides were wicked. Both sides had forgotten God, except a few. Mormon was a righteous man and prophet. He tried to warn the people, to get them to change, but they would not listen. He began the work of abridging the records kept by the prophets and leaders. There were a lot of records to be condensed down into what we now have. His son, Moroni, finished it. By the time Moroni took over, his father and all his people were gone. Killed in a last great battle. The people were fallen because they refused to hear the word of the Lord. They would not repent, they doomed themselves.

I think about Moroni and it gives me strength to go on. I am only alone inside my apartment. He was alone in the world. He had to hide himself from his enemies or he would have been killed too. He had to finish the Lord's work, even though the price was terrible loneliness. He was faithful despite the hardship. He is one of my examples of strength to look to. He is a hero to me.

As I read the stories of the wickedness and resulting battles, I look at the world today. How close are we, as a people, to the final days as well? There is so much wickedness in the world, so many have forgotten God and all He has done for us. How much longer will he stay His mighty hand? Where will I find myself when His hand finally falls?

I pray I will continue to remember my heroes. I will continue to follow the examples of the faithful ones and be able to be numbered with them. I also pray that those I know and love will do the same.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Feeling Better...

Just a real fast blurp here (is that a word?)

I am doing much better today. I went to the temple with Bridgette and it was medicine to my soul. The cloud on my heart has lifted.