I have been thinking about writing this blog entry all week. It kept me from writing anything else, so I guess I'd better get this done so I can move on.
I wrote this entry in my journal on Feb 19th. I woke up early... very early... and decided I ought to write down what was going on in my head because likely, I would forget by morning. I have modified the entry a bit, being I repeated myself somewhat. I tend to do that when I wake up at 2am and start writing:
My whole life I have connected with guys who prey on needy women. That is because I was a needy woman. I was raised by my dad to be that way. You could even say he groomed me and my sisters to be needy.
I didn't know there was any other kind of male. I will refer to them as men, but I have come to discover that they really don't act very much like men at all.
This man is a charming, warm, compassionate, caring, and kind person. He behaves as the perfect man for her, interested in meeting her every need. But he really is only feeding himself, his addiction. He sets her up to let the needy out. He primes her to wrap herself emotionally around his charm. He feeds on her neediness, keeping her needy. At the same time he is repulsed by her. It is actually this repulsion that keeps her in a needy place. He is using her and she lets him use her because she knows no other way of being.
And she uses him. In her desperate attempts to get out of the needy place, she misguidedly thinks she can only accomplish this with his help.
So together they play this tug-of-war game, keeping the neediness in place while at the same time trying to escape it.
I'm not saying all men who are charming, warm, compassionate, caring, and kind are preying on needy women, there is more to it than that. I am saying that these men do, on the surface, fit that description. The difference is that they are only doing it to feed their own needs, they really are not interested in hers. And these men are addicts. They are heavy into porn and/or other deviant behaviors.
As I stated, these men who prey on needy women do not act as a real man acts. They do not communicate as healthy men communicate. These men reveal themselves to women as women relate. They do this to real her in. They are truly predators in the worse sense.
My whole life these are the kind of men I surrounded myself with. I am only now learning that communication with a healthy man is not as I have done my whole life. I have learned I have a lot of misguided conceptions about men, and much changing of perspective on my part to do. I have begun this process and will continue in it in order to be able to have a healthy, productive, and correct relationship with a man someday.
I praise God for the loving way He has guided me to this place of learning and growth. His love for me truly surpasses my understanding, and my gratitude overflows my heart.
5 months ago