Monday, August 1, 2011

Am I Still Here?

I've tried so many times to get something written here.

I keep failing.

That is how I am feeling now, a failure.

I'm getting scared. I need to find something to replace the alimony which ends next May. I am at a loss as to what to do.... What I CAN do....

I stress over the smallest things... Life frightens me.... I really need to get over this.

I divorced 2 and a half years ago. I was told to wait 2 years before I considered entering into another relationship. That was easy, no one was interested.

There is still no one interested. I have yet to go out on a single date.

I am feeling like a failure on so many levels.

I am reaping the consequences of past decisions. I chose to marry young, without getting a college degree. I started my family right away, because that is what I wanted. I raised my children alone, because their dad turned out to be irresponsible, abusive, unfaithful.

I found out about a job today that can be done from home... but I don't qualify.... I need a college degree. I don't have one. I tried once, after my first marriage failed, but after the first year I collapsed, at the school. That was when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It took me 3 weeks to be able to get out of bed. The doctor told me to reduce the stress in my life....

How does a single mother with 6 children, the youngest being autistic, reduce the stress in her life?

My situation is different now. My children are all grown... well, mostly grown. Bobby is back with me, he will always be dependent on someone I think. That is okay, he is not difficult for me, just changes my schedule.

I am pleased how my children turned out. They are taking care of themselves. They are raising their own families.

Yet I am still very stressed. My muscles in my neck are so tight they are beginning to cause me big problems. Headaches, I have difficulty with my right arm. It hurts all the time. It wakes me up at night, throbbing. My chiropractor feels it will heal.... if I can get me to stop stressing so much....... I don't know how....

I feel like I am still carrying the world on my shoulders.

There was a time I went to Scotland all by myself. I drove 600 miles on the "wrong" side of the road. I stayed in youth hostles because they were cheaper than a hotel. I did it and I wasn't scared.

Now I'm scared of everything. I have to force myself to drive, and am very relieved when someone else offers. Mostly I pretend I'm not scared, then I get through it ok. Well, sorta... at least I get through it.

I think I lost a part of myself in my second divorce. The constant rejection... The lies... He has since apologized many, many times. I know he means it, yet I wonder if he really comprehends the hell I went through...

This is not depression.... this is over the top anxiety.... Depression focuses on the past... Anxiety, the future.... my problem definitely focuses on an uncertain future.

I've tried counseling. I ended up just getting irritated at the counselor. She kept saying I was being what I wasn't. I've done enough of it to know the ropes. To know when something is helping or just making it worse. She didn't help. I have gotten better, but because of the Lord, not the counselor.

I've raised my family... they turned out well....sometimes I wonder if I need someone to reach back and finally raise me.

or at least want me......

Ok, I admit it.... this is bad hormone week.....

1 comment: