Tuesday, September 7, 2010

An "Ahh Ha" moment

I had an epifany... ephiphany...you know, that time when you go Ahh Ha!! That's why that is the way it is!!

I had an experience several years ago where I was mistreated in a way that caused me great struggle. This mistreatment happened within the capacity of someone who was a spiritual leader, and some things were said to me that were plain not true. Those untruths caused me great pain and struggle. I have often wondered why the Lord let that experience happen to me the way that it did. Yesterday, the puzzle came together, and I gained a deeper appreciation for the Lord and His way of doing things.

I have had A LOT of baggage in my life. I grew up with an abusive father, not just a little, but probably to the full capacity that he was able to inflict. One of the things he did was work to destroy my relationship with anything good. Literally. He distorted and crazymade Gospel principals, he made them appear to be the opposite of what they really were.

Another thing he did was ingrain in me a need to submit myself to male authority figures. It didn't matter who they were, or how I perceived them as an authority. If there was even a slight chance a kind of authority could be obtained, they had it. And I was subject to them. I got myself in to a lot of trouble through the years because of that tweeking of my brain. Although I would get angry that I was being controlled yet again, I felt powerless to stop it. I obeyed.

The reason that mistreatment had any real effect on me was because of this problem I had. I have realized it was a kind of trauma bond my father had created in me, and trauma bonds are really hard to break.

The Lord wanted that trauma bond broken. He knew it was causing me not only pain, but it was causing me to sin. I obeyed where I should not have obeyed. I submitted where it was wrong. I did not feel I had power over me and the Lord wanted me to learn that I did. I did not have to follow or obey a man just because. Not all men had authority over me and if they did, because of a calling or some other legitimate reason, that alone was not enough to require me to follow. RIGHTEOUSNESS was a really important factor, and my dad left that one out completely.

In order to get through that really nightmarish experience that I had, which included among other things, the mistreatment I received, I had to learn to focus on just the Lord. When I shifted my focus to the untruths said to me, I would spiral downward into a deep and dark abyss. When I chose to shut my ears to the words inflicted at me and see and hear only Christ, my hope would return and I would be okay. Learning to focus on only Christ broke the trauma bond. The compulsion to follow whatever a male said to me became weaker and weaker until it broke. I learned to have a proper perspective when it comes to "male authority". Just because he is male does not mean I have to follow. Simple enough, but it took a long time for me to get that concept integrated into me. I have been pretty much free of that compulsion for several years now, and it feels good.

In summary, I had a trauma bond, the Lord wanted that trauma bond broken. So the Lord allowed a strong "male authority figure" to mistreat me so that I would have to turn to Him for strength. There was no middle ground. To break the trauma bond I had to unhook from the compulsion to follow the words of a male and shift my focus to the Lord.

The road I had to walk was neither easy or short. It took several years to overcome the consequences of the above mentioned experience. My reflection back on that time, now that it is over, carries a sweet and soft place in my heart. I am grateful beyond words to the Lord, for His love for me. That He loves me enough to have allowed that experience to happen to me in the way that it did in order to save me. The goal was always to save me.

No comments:

Post a Comment