Sunday, September 5, 2010

A Peek Inside...

It's been a long time since I have posted anything.

I'm really not sure what is going on. I have been struggling with anxiety off and on for a year, and lately it has been a lot more on than off. I don't understand it. I don't know why this is happening.

In the wee hours of the morning I was thinking about this. I am a fear based person. That is a fact I have been trying to change for years. I have come far, but not far enough. I still exist in fear at times, which is where the anxiety takes hold.

I am trying to be a faith based person. I know fear and faith cannot co-exist. I know when I pray and really concentrate on my Savior and on the Atonement, I calm down. Sometimes it hard to get calm enough to even start praying. My heart starts racing without warning, I spiral down into a deep abyss. It takes all I have inside me to breathe. I usually end up taking a pill.

Today is one of those days I'm going to have to take a pill, maybe more than once in the day. I don't like taking pills. I don't like that I am so weak.

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I do think it is connected to my hormones. There seems to be a pattern I am recognizing. I think guys have it so much easier than girls.

I can't, God can, I will let Him.

I think I want to go back to Montana.......

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