Changes...

I was going to say in this post that there isn't a whole lot to share.... but that isn't true.

Tiffany is moving out tomorrow with her two girls. The apartment is going to be a whole log quieter, and things will stay where I leave them.

I just got home from a counseling appointment and thought I ought to eat, since I didn't get breakfast. The apartment was quiet, so I thought the girls and Tiffany were taking a nap.

I went to the fridge and took out 2 eggs to cook them. I placed them on the counter, started the butter melting in the pan, and sat down at my computer to start this. When the butter was melted and ready, I returned for the eggs but one was missing. I KNEW I had taken out 2 eggs. I checked the counter, the floor.. nothing. I checked by my computer, the other counter... heck, I even looked in the sink! Nothing. Was I loosing my mind?

Just then I saw the almost 3-yr-old. She was butt naked... nada... zip...

She turned and ran back out of the kitchen. I followed her back to her room, and as I rounded the corner, the 4-yr-old was standing in the hall.... the uncracked white egg in her hand.

"Here" was all she said.

Yes, things will stay where I leave them.

I HATE TESTS!!!!!!!

I woke up this morning feeling very nervous. I was fretting again. My body was actually shaking!!

I've been doing that a lot lately.

Feeling anxiety, worried, almost paralyzed.

What could be causing me so much negativity?

A test. A lousy 35 question Knowledge Test for the Oregon DMV!!! I've put that test off for months.... many months....But election day is coming up and I needed to get my residency changed so I could register to vote. Oregon requires all new residents to take this test, no matter how long they have been driving or whether or not they had taken the Oregon test before. In my case I had, since I began my driving career in Oregon. It is my civic duty to vote, and my duty to God, so therefore, I needed to get the test behind me.

I thought about that test and couldn't eat... couldn't sleep.... couldn't think.

I read the manual.......all 113 pages of it. But dang if I couldn't remember what I had read!!

I took the online 10 question test and got only 7 right! I failed the practice test!! I really hate tests.

When I was first in college, I took a course on how to go to college. I fretted over that class too. The instructor laughed at me, said I needed to give myself more credit... I passed the final exam (the only one) with 100%. Maybe I should remember his words more.

I fretted over the Nutrition course I took too. I passed that course with a 99% and got on the Dean's list. I now have a certificate in Holistic Nurtition, officially a Nutritional Consultant. I can put NC after my name if I want. I did very well, but I still doubt myself.

I really prayed this morning for help. I would be needing Divine help in a big way. Today was the day I was going to take that test!

All in all, I spent 3 hours at the DMV today. The first half was spent waiting to take the test. Finally, my turn...

I asked for a paper test, not the computer one. There were more people taking the paper test than the computer one, so I was glad I wasn't the only one who wanted to take it that way. I guessed at a few of the answers, but was confident with most of them that I knew the right answers.

When I was done, I gave the worker my test and sat down. I watched him score a test, I thought it was mine, but he kept crossing off answers. I thought, how could I have missed so many??? Then he called a teenage girl to the counter... Whew!! It wasn't mine... She failed...

I continued to wait. Someone who had taken the computer test finished and he took care of her.... I still waited. He started to score another test, then got interrupted again.

Dang!! The suspense was about killing me!!

Finally, uninterrupted, he scored the next test.... He only marked 2 wrong.... I really hoped that was my test! I prayed it was MY test. Yes, I really did pray that it was my test...

Then he called my name!!!! Oh, the joy of hearing my name at the DMV!!

I got a 94%. I asked him which ones I missed... He smiled and said, "I know, pride." No, I honestly was curious... He said "you did very well, so don't worry about it." Then he smiled and took my $60.

I am now officially an Oregon resident. The last thing I had to change to put Arizona behind me. And before I left the DMV office, I filled out the voter registration card. Two birds with one VERY LARGE STONE!!

I want to celebrate. I'm kinda wishing I had a guy to call to go out to dinner with. Hmmmm...

Overcoming Fears...

You know what? I think Heavenly Father feels I'm ready to overcome some of my fears.

You ask why I would say that? Because those fears are really becoming a nuisance to me. They seem to be growing and paralyzing me more. It is almost insane how things that used to not be a problem are now feeling like Mt. Everest to climb.

I have found that God's way of dealing with an issue is to put me in the fire. I definitely have been feeling the heat lately.

Take my interest in herbology. I am fascinated by natural medicine. I strongly believe that God put every answer to man's aliments on the earth in natural form. One example would be how whenever you find a poisonous plant in the wild, you will find it's antidote very close by. God knows what we need and he has taken care of us.

So how does this relate to my fears? I have a ridiculous fear of poisoning myself. I'm not talking about haphazardly eating whatever I find, I am talking about using proven medicinal herbs (often ones I have used for years) to help bring balance back to my body. Lately, I have become afraid of them. Lately the "what if's" have been screaming at me.

The "what if's" are voices given to what really is nonsense by the FDA. A government agency that is determined to control minute parts of our lives. I don't believe in the FDA, so why would I let those voices take root?

Probably because their voices sound way to close to my father's voice.

My dad instilled in me a fear of just about everything. He was afraid of botulism, so he did a pretty good job of making me afraid to can my own vegetables. He was afraid of a pressure cooker exploding, so now I just can't bring myself to use one. I have been given at least two in my life, both I gave away, unused.

I sometimes wonder if my dad were afraid of his own shadow. I'm not saying that in joke either. He had a lot of fears and I inherited a good amount of them.

Time to clean out my inheritance.

I won't say "bring it on", that would be just asking for trouble. I will say I am going to take a day at a time, spend more time leaning on my Heavenly Father who does know what is good or bad for me, and practice deep breathing.

Girl's Day Out........

Today was "girl's day out"

What did we do? We saw Eclispe again. I never thought I would be so caught up in a love story about a vampire. Why do I like it so much?

I think it is because Edward is so faithful. Everything he does is for Bella's safety. Even when he left it was to attempt to keep her safe, as misguided as that decision was. There is no doubt that he loves her. There is no doubt he has no desire what-so-ever to look elsewhere.

What a novel idea!!

I have to believe there is some guy (single) out there who is capable of being just as faithful. It doesn't only just happen in the movies. That can be a part of real life.

I think I'm getting closer to being ready to consider the possibility of maybe shutting down the "stay clear away from me if you value your life" vibes.

Hmmm... is it possible I could find someone and have a healthy relationship?

One day at a time.

Walking...

I just talked to my mom on the phone. She was happy and it felt good to hear the lightness in her voice.

This is a wonderful change over last week. Last week she was awaiting surgery. Last week we were all worried. She had a damaged and partially blocked artery in her neck. It was scary. The surgeon stated to her that a successful procedure was almost 100% (a surgeon cannot promise 100%), but she and those who love here were concerned.

She just returned from her follow-up visit. He told her the best way to keep this from happening again, and to clean out the other patches that she has, was to walk. Simple, free, effective. He told her to walk EVERY DAY, for at least a 1/2 hour straight. Nothing less, because less would do no good. It doesn't matter how fast or slow, just keep walking.

I've been somewhat doing that already. Not every day, but I have been walking. I'm going to get back into it more and keep myself going.

I do question the all-or-nothing thinking a bit though. I cannot see getting full benefit at half an hour and nothing with less time spent walking. Or no benefit for the days walked if you skip a day. I would think this would be on a curve, with half an hour and every day being the ideal. But then again, there is the day of rest the Lord has commanded us to take. Resting the body has been proven to help it to regenerate.

I believe diet would also be a component in preventing ulcerated and clogged arteries. Yet her doctor did not mention diet at all. Vitamin C would be a good thing, because Vitamin C is the main component in the manufacture of collagen. Collagen is what makes cells elastic, to be able have give and take, to be flexible and to bounce back. Lack of collagen causes cell breakdown, which is what scurvy is, extreme cell breakdown from lack of collagen. That is why Vitamin C is the cure for scurvy. Artery disease is a less drastic form of scurvy, the cells just haven't broken down that far, but they have broken down.

The collected cholesterol that causes the blockages in arteries is the bandaid patch the body puts on the broken down part. Repair the damage to the cells, and the bandaid is removed. Neglect the damaged cells, and additional bandages are put on.

I keep thinking about how simple God has made our lives and our bodies, and how complicated we seem to mess it up. Walking. A really good thing a person can do for their body for so many reasons.

On A Roll!!!

Wow! I'm on a roll!! Two days of "Ahh Ha!!" in a row!!!

I guess you could say I got even a bigger picture, and what I see now has left me feeling a bit disappointed in myself. The disappointment comes not from what I accomplished, but for how long it took me to get there.

You see, that spiritual leader that mistreated me wasn't the first, and there was one more after him. I think the Lord really had this thought out for a long time.

A very long time...

Somewhere between 18 and 20 years ago...

I was in child abuse recovery, my life was pretty much upside down. I was still married to my first husband. I was depressed, suicidal, and unpredictable. I had a bishop who I dearly loved. He was there for me. He was my source of strength. He went the many extra miles to understand me and help me. He put me into counseling.

One night I was at a ward function. It was some kind of a dinner. There were several other couples at my table. One of the men started bragging about having "inside" information. I didn't like him so I was not really listening. Until he told what his information was. My beloved bishop was going to be released the following day.

My world came crashing down around me. I was devastated. I became hysterical. I ran out of the building and collapsed on the ground. I was crying and shaking and screaming. Not very grown up of me I know, but like I said, I was a mess already.

A friend followed me out and talked with me for a while. She was kind and gentle with me. I am so grateful for those kinds of friends. She calmed me down and then asked me if she could leave me for a few minutes. I said I was okay. When she returned she told me that my beloved bishop was in his office and he would like to talk to me for a bit. By this time I was feeling really foolish for my behavior, but I agreed to talk to him. He had never belittled me, and I didn't think he would do that now.

We talked, and he did his best to reassure me that my life would go on. Yes, a new bishop would be called, but it was going to be okay. Then he offered to give me a blessing. I accepted. I do not remember much of the blessing, except for one line... "There are those who are in position to help you, but they will hurt you instead". I know I was given instructions on how to deal with this, but I didn't hear them. I got stuck on the hurting me part.

Then I got the same words in another blessing, administered by another priesthood holder. Then again by another. All in all, I heard those words 6 times!!! And each time I got stuck on the "hurt you" part and didn't hear the instructions on what to do about it. I was not equipped to handle what was coming and it was not the Lord's fault. He tried really hard, it was me who was messing it up. Fear kept taking over and faith flew out the window.

Well, sure to the warnings, I started having a difficult time with my leaders. After the third bishop that I could not see eye to eye with, I started calling it my "trial of the bishops". It was too. But now I can see that I was the one blowing things out of proportion. After all, they were human too and having their own earthly experience with it's ups and downs. There may have been lack of understanding, unfeeling words and unkindness towards me, but the problem in the situations was me. I never saw that before today.

That trauma bond needed to be broken.

I now know the gist of the instructions that were given to me. The other part of those blessings that I received 6 times. The instructions were "Look to the Lord for strength. Seek Him out in all things, use His guidance, His love for me, to help me through my trials. Listen to the Lord before I listen to others."

I could have saved myself almost two decades of pain and grief had I kept my ears open to the whole blessing.

I didn't realize until this morning just how stubborn and difficult I have been. That is where I have been disappointed in myself. Why did I take so long to get it? Why did I have to be shattered before I finally learned to turn to the Lord with all of me? I now see that I kept holding a part of me back. I wasn't trusting my Savior enough. There is a difference between believing in Christ and believing Christ. I did the former with no problem, it was the latter I wasn't doing.

But I can do it now.

So... I'm going to stop being disappointed in myself. What's done is done. Instead, I'm going to be grateful that it didn't take me another decade to figure it out.

I find myself so amazed at God's love for me. I have been such a temperamental and difficult child. He never gave up on me. He kept pushing, but was careful to not violate my agency. I could never tell Him enough how grateful I am. But He knows that, so I will give him all I am. I am grateful that is enough.

PS....
I figured out how to change this blog so anyone can leave a comment. So, feel free to comment to your heart's content...it will still go to moderation, but you no longer have to have an account to be able to comment.

An "Ahh Ha" moment

I had an epifany... ephiphany...you know, that time when you go Ahh Ha!! That's why that is the way it is!!

I had an experience several years ago where I was mistreated in a way that caused me great struggle. This mistreatment happened within the capacity of someone who was a spiritual leader, and some things were said to me that were plain not true. Those untruths caused me great pain and struggle. I have often wondered why the Lord let that experience happen to me the way that it did. Yesterday, the puzzle came together, and I gained a deeper appreciation for the Lord and His way of doing things.

I have had A LOT of baggage in my life. I grew up with an abusive father, not just a little, but probably to the full capacity that he was able to inflict. One of the things he did was work to destroy my relationship with anything good. Literally. He distorted and crazymade Gospel principals, he made them appear to be the opposite of what they really were.

Another thing he did was ingrain in me a need to submit myself to male authority figures. It didn't matter who they were, or how I perceived them as an authority. If there was even a slight chance a kind of authority could be obtained, they had it. And I was subject to them. I got myself in to a lot of trouble through the years because of that tweeking of my brain. Although I would get angry that I was being controlled yet again, I felt powerless to stop it. I obeyed.

The reason that mistreatment had any real effect on me was because of this problem I had. I have realized it was a kind of trauma bond my father had created in me, and trauma bonds are really hard to break.

The Lord wanted that trauma bond broken. He knew it was causing me not only pain, but it was causing me to sin. I obeyed where I should not have obeyed. I submitted where it was wrong. I did not feel I had power over me and the Lord wanted me to learn that I did. I did not have to follow or obey a man just because. Not all men had authority over me and if they did, because of a calling or some other legitimate reason, that alone was not enough to require me to follow. RIGHTEOUSNESS was a really important factor, and my dad left that one out completely.

In order to get through that really nightmarish experience that I had, which included among other things, the mistreatment I received, I had to learn to focus on just the Lord. When I shifted my focus to the untruths said to me, I would spiral downward into a deep and dark abyss. When I chose to shut my ears to the words inflicted at me and see and hear only Christ, my hope would return and I would be okay. Learning to focus on only Christ broke the trauma bond. The compulsion to follow whatever a male said to me became weaker and weaker until it broke. I learned to have a proper perspective when it comes to "male authority". Just because he is male does not mean I have to follow. Simple enough, but it took a long time for me to get that concept integrated into me. I have been pretty much free of that compulsion for several years now, and it feels good.

In summary, I had a trauma bond, the Lord wanted that trauma bond broken. So the Lord allowed a strong "male authority figure" to mistreat me so that I would have to turn to Him for strength. There was no middle ground. To break the trauma bond I had to unhook from the compulsion to follow the words of a male and shift my focus to the Lord.

The road I had to walk was neither easy or short. It took several years to overcome the consequences of the above mentioned experience. My reflection back on that time, now that it is over, carries a sweet and soft place in my heart. I am grateful beyond words to the Lord, for His love for me. That He loves me enough to have allowed that experience to happen to me in the way that it did in order to save me. The goal was always to save me.

A Peek Inside...

It's been a long time since I have posted anything.

I'm really not sure what is going on. I have been struggling with anxiety off and on for a year, and lately it has been a lot more on than off. I don't understand it. I don't know why this is happening.

In the wee hours of the morning I was thinking about this. I am a fear based person. That is a fact I have been trying to change for years. I have come far, but not far enough. I still exist in fear at times, which is where the anxiety takes hold.

I am trying to be a faith based person. I know fear and faith cannot co-exist. I know when I pray and really concentrate on my Savior and on the Atonement, I calm down. Sometimes it hard to get calm enough to even start praying. My heart starts racing without warning, I spiral down into a deep abyss. It takes all I have inside me to breathe. I usually end up taking a pill.

Today is one of those days I'm going to have to take a pill, maybe more than once in the day. I don't like taking pills. I don't like that I am so weak.

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. I do think it is connected to my hormones. There seems to be a pattern I am recognizing. I think guys have it so much easier than girls.

I can't, God can, I will let Him.

I think I want to go back to Montana.......