Monday, February 15, 2010

And life goes on. . . . .

The life of this ex-wife is about as fun as counting the cars on a train going by. Which, by the way, I did on Sunday night. There were 69 total. Gave me a headache cause I was right up next to the track and the train was coming in at an angle. But I kept counting, of course I kept counting, I thought about stopping but those cars were just too...too...too...I think I have a bit of O.C.D.

My life is full. I mean, I have lots of kids and grand kids now. I keep as busy as I am able. But I am also alone a lot of the time. Which is why I started this blog, I have no one to talk to when I am home. So I'm talking with my fingers to whoever decides to visit this blog.

It's not that I want a relationship right now, I'm really gun shy considering how much I was hurt in my last marriage. Being married to a porn addict and adulterer can do that. This is a problem that is growing within the Church. Not just the Church, the world. It is a vile, filthy, heartbreaking behavior that destroys not just the individual, but the family. I was really devastated when I realized I did it again. I married another one. My first husband also had this problem, it was just kept a much better secret from me.

But I would like some friends. Not just female friends. I would like some male friends. Someone to hang out with sometimes...see a movie...grab a bite...NOT A DATE. I've always liked having male friends. I had more guy friends than gal friends in school. Actually, I had few friends anyway, but I liked hanging out with the guys more than the girls. Why, you might ask? Why would I even consider torturing myself with giving any of them the time of day? It's not like I've had much luck in my choices since high school.

I want to learn to trust again. Somewhere inside me I want to believe there are good guys out there, one's who don't lie, cheat, and lie some more. Ones who are not obsessed with the ugly darkness of porn. I think they exist on this planet somewhere. I have to believe there is at least one out there... a single one... somewhere... who is as repulsed by that kind of behavior as I am. Who either had a good marriage but is a widower now, or, is divorced but he did the work like I have done and finally gets it. He loves the Lord completely and is determined to live each day proving it. I do believe people can change, I did, but this is where it gets dicey because that requires trust that the change is real. This is a really hard one.

I found my last husband on the internet on a single's site, so I really don't want to go that route again. We can see how well that one worked out. I don't think it is a smart thing, the vast majority of people posting online on those single sites are not emotionally well. At least I don't think they are. My middle son found a statistic that said most are not. Anyway, I certainly wouldn't trust anyone NOW that I met that way. I was very sick back then, can you tell? I mean, I ended up with an addict. And not just any addict, an addict with an incredibly destructive addiction that put not only his physical health in jeopardy, but my mine as well. And it did, he wasn't faithful.

I discovered after his confession that I was really co-dependent. I said something to my bishop and he chuckled and said "No kidding!". So much for subtleties, but he was right. I was extremely co-dependent. After the initial confession I tried to control my husband, I begged him to love me. I was terrified of being alone again. Think about it, I was fighting to stay with someone who was not capable of being there for me. Who, because of the nature of his addiction, hated me. He despised me. That is really sad. Co-dependency creates that kind of sadness in a person's life.

I actually became suicidal for awhile. I had struggled with that before, it was part of the P.T.S.D. that I was diagnosed with in 1990. That stemmed from childhood abuse. But I digress. I had to learn to be okay with me, no matter what he did. I had to learn to stop trying to control my world.

I learned how to do this by joining the co-dependency support group sponsored by the Church. This program is patterned after the 12-step program, with some differences. I learned to embrace the first three steps with all my heart.

1. My life is a mess, I cannot control it. It is okay that I cannot control everything around me. That was a very key point - IT IS OKAY THAT I CANNOT CONTROL MY WORLD. God doesn't expect me to, quite the opposite.

2. God is all powerful. He can do anything. He CAN take the mess out of my life that I can't. He is incredible, He is awesome, He is THE SAVIOR.

3. I will give my will to God. I will trust Him. HE IS TRUSTABLE.

In other words, "I can't, God can, I will let Him".

Choosing to follow this saved my life. Literally. Applying those simple principles made it possible for me to stop having panic attacks. I quit having to fight suicidal thoughts. I found a place of peace in the chaos. I found strength, a lot of strength. I was able to leave my unfaithful husband and found I can survive alone. I'm kinda liking it now.

But back to the friend issue. I don't want to be alone forever. My counselor (yes, I went back to counseling too), counseled me to wait two years before I began to consider another romantic relationship. Sounds reasonable. It has been 15 months since I moved out of his house, 12 months since I filed for a divorce, and 9 months since the divorce was final. I still have some time to go. I want to use this time to learn how to trust others again, especially men. I think that is why she told me to wait two years, so that I could use that time to rebuild me.

I like who is emerging out of me. I like me. I love me. Not arrogantly...peaceably. So my life is boring, but I am happy. I am at peace. After nearly 50 years, I have peace.

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