I've been having a hard time thinking of something to write about. So I thought I would just start typing and see what happens.
Gratitude.... that is what came to mind.
Am I showing enough gratitude for the blessings I have received? Do those around me and who have helped me know I am grateful? Can I be grateful for the good but still be uncomfortable with the baggage that sometimes comes along?
I don't think I should have to compromise myself or my standards in order to be grateful to someone else. I'm not saying I think I am better than another, not at all. But I do have a right to my standards, even if someone else thinks I have set my standards too high. They are not too high for me and that is how I choose to live, to judge whether or not I want to participate in an activity or behave in a certain manner. My standards are not used to judge another, only how I choose to involve myself in a given situation.
An example in point... I choose for myself to not watch "R" rated movies. This was a matter of slight contention in my last marriage because my husband liked to watch certain "R" rated movies. I have watched a few and always felt bad afterwards, degraded, compromised. So I would leave the room or he would have to go to the movie theater with a friend or one of his sons. I appreciated the thought of including me in a movie activity, but not the movie of choice. He eventually stopped asking me and automatically called his son. We did go to a lot of movies together, just not "R" rated ones.
I do what to clarify that this is not the reason we divorced. He clearly crossed the line with his online addiction and eventual affairs. My not watching "R" rated movies with him did not lead to his very bad behavior. He made choices of his own, based on the standards he chose to keep. I should never have had to lower my standards in order to keep him from violating his vows.
So if I set a standard that is higher than another's standard, am I behaving ungrateful to decline the offer? I don't think so, but at times I am treated like I am. Like I am snobby because I won't watch the movie. I'm not rude about it, others can choose the movie if they want to, but so can I choose not to watch it.
Sometimes I am left feeling really alone, because there are more people who choose to watch than choose not to. But I honestly don't want to change my standard, I am comfortable with this choice, uncomfortable in letting it down. The last time I compromised my standard and watched the movie I promised myself after it was over that I would never do that to myself again. This is a promise I intend to keep.
I know there are others out there that feel the same way I do, I need to find some of them. Maybe we can watch movies together, ones we find more appropriate.
8 months ago