Monday, March 29, 2010

On Hold...

Ever feel like your life is on hold? Like all you can do is be patient and wait it out? I'm feeling that way now. Tiffany has been wonderful, but she must be feeling that way too.

We are two adult women and two little girls living in a one bedroom apartment. Yes, it is crowded, but surprisingly not as much as you would think. Tiffany is amazing at making use of space and keeping it open. Most of my belongings are in a garage at the new apartment complex, and anything she isn't using is also there or going there shortly. The new apartment won't be ready for at least two more weeks.

I do not consider myself to be a materialistic person, but I have found it difficult to function when my belongings are packed away. I have been living this way more or less for two years. It will still be that way after we move, with a big exception that I hope will make a difference for me... full access to a garage.

We are keeping the garage after we move into the apartment, and installing deep, heavy duty shelves (thanks to Ikea). One side is already installed and I got the rest of the hardware today for the other side. So although there will still be belongings in boxes and crates, I will have full access to it all. As I sort through my things, I will be setting the garage up to organize my craft supplies. It will be like a regular attached garage, only down the parking lot a little. One thing I thought was neat was that the manager gave us the very closest garage to the apartment, so the walk won't be that bad.

I am trying to take this experience I am having and use it to have empathy for others. Until I experienced the disconnected feeling of being a perpetual guest, of having limited access to my belongings over an extended period of time, I did not understand how frustrating it could be. I think frustrating isn't the right word, but I can't think of another. Actually, "disconnected" is a good choice of words. It has felt for so long that my life is on hold. Just as I started to feel just a tad bit organized I had to pack up again.

But it was only a tad bit. I was also feeling cramped. I had too much stuff to cram into a small bedroom with a tiny closet. And dispersing my belongings throughout the house was not the answer, it just left me feeling even more at a loss to my individuality. I have learned that everyone needs a certain amount of space just for themselves, not to be shared with another. Children probably don't need very much, but by the time you are my age, having been the woman of the house for 31 years, more than a little bedroom is needed.

Sometimes I appear to be unhappy with my life. But it is just what appears, it isn't the truth. I am happy with the progress I have made, I have moved forward from the frightened, unwanted wife I was a few years ago. I am content to be single right now. I think what others have sensed from me is the frustration of being disconnected. I have A.D.D., and with that I have found I need to be grounded into a place, a starting point to be functional from. And the place I ground myself to has to be private space, not shared with another. It also takes me time to be able to do it. I do not transition quickly, it takes time to become familiar with my surroundings, sometimes as much as 6 months. Until I feel familiar and comfortable with my surroundings, I feel like I am floating through life, disconnected and unfocused. Having moved 3 times in l6 months, I haven't been grounded for some time.

I hope this transitory time will settle down soon. I do know that when I am finished organizing the garage I will be more organized than I have ever been in my life. That is a good thing to be coming out of this.

In the meantime, I will take each day as it comes...

1 comment:

  1. You share one bedroom! Oh my, that must be fun...