Today I get to stay home. I'm not the kind of person who likes to be on the run all the time. I like to stay home, to get things accomplished here...
Or take a nap...
Chloe is down for her nap, Alison is quietly laying on the couch... promising me she will take a nap today. We'll see...
I keep loosing internet connection. We have CLEAR here, a wireless set-up in the Portland Metro area. I only get two bars at the most, so my connection is slow and I loose it often. I'm not happy with this. I'm supposed to get a minimum of three. Danny went online and found some blogs from others with this problem. CLEAR knew the modem had issues, but they still keep selling them. The website doesn't clarify the differences between modems, so I got the wrong one. There is one, for $10 more, that has an outside antenna port. I would have purchased that one had I known and this problem would be solved.
I have been reconnecting with people from a long time ago on Facebook. They knew me when I was young, some even before I was married the first time. Most are members of my church, my church family. Some are from school. And a few are from both. It wasn't until I started sending out "friend requests" on Facebook that I realized I had extended my "family" list inside my heart a long time ago. A lot of my family was missing. Maybe that is one of the reasons I have felt so disconnected. I wonder if they knew they meant so much to me...
I usually say something like "remember me?" with the "friend request". I got a response back today, "Sandy, Of course I remember you! You don't look any older in the picture...that's not fair:)" It made me smile, especially with all I've struggled with over the last several months about my age. It was a recent picture too, the same one I use here.
But then I got to thinking... all these people knew me when I was a different person. Some knew me when I was a teenager, some as a young wife and mother... Some knew me when I had teens of my own. Many watched me as I struggled with the emerging memories of my childhood.... The ugliness and nightmares that surrounded my secret life. They didn't know about my secret life, how could they? I kept it a secret, even from myself...
She looks into the mirror,
And the face that looks back at her is tired...
Oh, so tired.
She's not that old, still practically in her youth.
But her youth was full of pain and sorrow,
and it shows on her face.
Only she didn't know, she couldn't know.
To admit the sorrow meant her parents were bad,
And parents are always good.
So she plays the game
the unending, unchanging game
that the child of trauma plays.
She tells herself she is strong, a survivor,
She can make it on her own.
She needs no one and no one needs her.
She is alone, or so she thinks.
But there is someone who needs her,
who wants her and loves her.
But she won't let Him in.
She can't bear His rejection
so she won't let Him in.
Only she didn't know...
She thinks she let Him in
and He rejected her.
So the walls are up,
the gate is locked,
and she has the only key...
Only she doesn't know.
She struggles through her life
not knowing, not feeling, not being.
Until it is just too much to bear,
and she cries in the night for help.
And He is there, He always was...
Only she didn't know.
He picks her up and holds her.
He gently opens her eyes, and she sees -
and she knows.
He takes her backwards through time -
to the beginning,
when life was bliss and sweet.
And she knows.
She sees the child, her child within
And she's carried in the arms of her Savior.
He loves her, she can tell,
and she knows.
She lives her life over again,
this time in her mind.
She learns all over again,
not from her parents -
because despite their efforts
they didn't know...
And she needs someone who knows.
So He carries her in His arms,
and teaches her what He knows...
and she knows.
She is His child now
and will remain so forever.
She looks into the mirror,
The face that looks back at her
is young, and alive and real,
And she knows...
that this is the way it was meant to be -
copyright Sandy Smith 1982
I have not thought about these poems for a long time. Lately they have been going around in my head again. Why is it that I find myself reflecting back to that time, when I was so unstable, so hurt, so fragile?
I am not the same person they once knew... I hope I am better... my children seem to think so.
Maybe it is because of the uncertainty I have had lately? I felt the rejection all over again when David chose his addiction over me. But I wasn't alone in that rejection, the Lord was ahead of me. We were both rejected. I wonder if addicts realize that when they choose to stay in their addictions?
No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
I felt the despise in the marriage.
It has taken me two years to begin feel like I am on solid ground again.
I have gained some courage. Each time I send a "friend request" out I am risking rejection. Maybe this person doesn't want to reconnect with me...
Connections come in different ways. Some are strong, some not so much. Some are just energy waves that float around in the air until some little black box picks them up. It might take a different little black box to make them strong. Others are more tangible. Others involve people, lives that have gone on through the years without any real thought of me. Our lives took us in different directions. But each of these people did have some kind of an impact on my life. I wonder what kind of impact I have had on theirs?
The risks seem to be worth it. They are accepting my invitations. My family is filling up again. Yes, life does go on after the divorce... life can be good... I choose to live it so that it is good.
10 months ago