I was so busy yesterday I didn't have the chance to collect my thoughts for a blog entry. It was a good day, spent with family, celebrating a couple of birthdays.
I started the day off in my usual place, my chiropractor's office. I prayed it would go well. I practiced my breathing. I thought about the resentments and how I had been feeling a bit lighter since I had put them into words.
The adjustment went incredibly well. The best I have had in longer than I can remember. My entire back and my neck did not resist. I was not tense!! Dr. M said it was actually "fun" for him, didn't bruise him at all! Wow! If just writing down my resentments could do that much for me, I can not even imagine how much benefit I will have when I actually process and let them go!!
I said a prayer of thanks to my Heavenly Father. He is guiding me through this, because even more them me, He wants me to be well and happy.
I've been praying about those resentments. I figured I was done writing them down and it was time to get to step two... I was wrong... I still have more to name before I can move on.
Having these resentments means I have not forgiven as I thought I had. It also means that I have been laying blame, which identifies more with a victim than a person taking responsibility for themselves. It has been my intention to take responsibility for my life, not to get stuck in blaming others for all the bumps in my road. Opps, I think I started addressing step two before I completely finished step one.
Who do I resent that I have not identified yet? As I prayed about it, the answer came clearly, but surprised me. Life is full of so many surprises...
Although the resentments I feel towards my dad and ex-husbands are both founded and rational, I also have some deeply buried resentments that are not only unfounded, they are outright irrational. They lay blame in such an inappropriate and judgmental way that they must be shattered to get rid of them. They are not ones that need to be processed, they need to be destroyed.
What are those resentments that would cut so deeply at my health and well-being? Who am I blaming so deeply? What did God know that I was hiding from myself?
The person I have resented the most, who I blame the most, who I have been the least willing to forgive.....
With those resentments in place, I don't have a chance...
As I said before these resentments are irrational... I blame myself for not using tools I didn't even have in the first place to make choices throughout my life. I resent I didn't act on knowledge I didn't have. I resent myself for not protecting myself. I resent myself for not protecting my children better. I resent myself for not paying attention to red flags, for attaching to the familiar, for being sucked into repeating situations.
I resent myself for not being perfect...
I think I am still not fully applying the Atonement to my life. It's time I read "Believing Christ" again. This book is about not just believing IN Christ, it is about BELIEVING CHRIST, believing HIM. That he CAN redeem, that He CAN heal, that He CAN help us to overcome ANYTHING. I've been encouraging a friend of mine to read it to help her, but I think I need it too. If you ever desired to obtain a working understanding of the Atonement, that is the book to read. "Believing Christ" by Stephen E. Robinson. Like me, you will probably want to read it over and over again.
I cannot hold myself responsible for things I did not know, for not using tools I did not have, for walking down paths where I didn't know any other path existed.
Yes, I need to shatter all the irrational, unfounded, inappropriate and judgmental judgments I have inflicted on myself. They need to be dispersed so completely there will be no way to ever bring them together again.
All my "shoulds" are wrapped up in those judgments. My counselor years ago used to tell me to quit "shoulding on myself".
Jesus Christ has the POWER to completely transform who I am, to build me into a person who is strong and able. There is only one person that can stop Him for doing this.... and that person is me.
May I stop getting in His way....
1 year ago