I kept my weekly chiropractic appointment today. It did not go well. My neck and upper back have become so tight they simply won't adjust, or do so very little. This has been going on for quite some time. I laid on the table after the failed attempt and started to cry.
Dr. M, my chiropractor, asked me what was going on. I have been going to him for around 20 years, minus the 7 I was in Arizona. He saw me through the years I was in recovery counseling for child abuse. He was there for me through the end of my first marriage and now again after my 2nd. He has always been kind and caring towards me, although quite professional as well. I know he is genuine when he asks me what is wrong, and he reads me rather well.
It was hard admitting my concerns. I am pretty sure these concerns are what is causing me to be so tense. It is hard for me to say them here too, but I think if I get them out, I might be able to start letting go, then maybe I'll start having better adjustments, and healing in my neck and upper back.
I am concerned about my future, especially the finances part. For now I am okay, my needs are more or less being met, but in another year-and-a-half, that is going to change. That is when the alimony from my second husband will stop. That is when my income will be more than cut in half.
I've tried to hold down a job, I last about 2 months. Then the activity and stress become too much and I flare up and am just unable to go on. It takes months to recover. This has happened with my last 3 jobs.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I have gone back to the 12-step group. Last week the step of discussion was step 8 - Forgiveness. As the night wore on, a thought started forming in my head. By the time the meeting was over, I was pretty sure I had figured out a few more things about me... and the anxiety attacks I have been dealing with lately.
I thought I had forgiven my father and first husband for the abuse/abandonment/betrayals. I realized that the forgiveness was not complete, that what was left had turned into resentment. I feel resentment towards them because what they did to me has impacted my health and ability to take care of myself. The physical and emotional abuse have taken a heavy tole on my physical frame and on my immune system. Although I have come a long ways towards becoming healthier, I still have enough limitations that a regular job is still out of the question.
The resentment tells me "they not only did not live up to their commitment to keep me safe, secure, and stable, their very actions towards me have created a situation where I am unable to do some of that for myself." They stole from me and left me holding an empty bag.
I believe the resentment is the root of the anxiety attacks. They stem from thoughts of being in crisis, of intense loss, of being powerless to better my situation. The anxiety attacks put me back in the victim stance. This is a place I do not want to be. The victim has no power. I am grateful I do not have to stay in this place and that I can get me out. I am grateful I now know I can make different choices. Having identified the problem, I can now begin work on the solution.
As I pray for guidance and direction towards knowing what to do to secure my future, the answer is always the same. "Don't worry about it... Trust Me". I wrote about this yesterday.
I have to figure out how to let go of these concerns. To completely trust God that He will make sure my needs are being met. I think the biggest snag in my trust is to believe He is satisfied with my efforts to do all that I can do. How do I become secure in knowing this? Is it possible to become secure in this? Or is the faith part where I have to believe without having the secure knowledge? There seems to be too many snags in my thinking to let the faith get a firm hold.
The really silly part about all this is I think I am looking for someone to give me permission to let go. No person can give me that kind of permission, so why am I still looking?
I think I have a lot of praying to do.
*Don't forget about my gift to you... read about it here, I haven't figured out how to put in the link, so copy and past here: http://mormonexwife.blogspot.com/2010/12/thank-you.html
10 months ago