I'm a grandma now and I love being a grandma.

I've been a grandma for over 8 years.

I've been a mom for over 30.

I guess it's that part that is getting to me.

I was 19 when Michelle was born. I'm 49 now. What happened to all those years? She was a baby.... then a toddler.... the first to go to school...

I remember putting her on the school bus that first day. Other mothers told me how it tore at their hearts, it was so hard to see the first one go off to school... NOT ME... I was thrilled to see her happy, excited, ready to take on the world. I didn't cry.

I kept having babies... Next came Bridgette... She didn't like me, didn't want to be held. Independent from day one... I couldn't get any cuddles from her til she learned to walk - at 9 months. Then she was happy, she could get around, so she let me hold her.

Chris was my first boy. Full of red hair. It's thinning now, but he still has red hair. I took him with me to put Michelle on the bus, just a year and a half old. Their dad must have been home because there was no way I would have left Bridgette alone. On the way back to the house we walked around a mud puddle. Chris was wearing his little cowboy boots.... How he loved those boots!! We passed the puddle... he stopped... I could tell he was thinking REALLY HARD... then he let go of my had and beelined back to the puddle... STOMP!! STOMP!! STOMP!! Then back to me, took my hand and continued walking as if nothing had happened. That was when I KNEW he was a boy!

Danny... Danny was difficult... He talked really slow and it drove me nuts... I've made a lot of apologies to Danny for my impatience with him.... He forgives me.

Tiffany... bouncy... Tigger... Tiffany. She had another nick-name too, but I'm not allowed to tell it....

Finally Bobby. My baby that will never fully grow up. We learned he had autism at 2-1/2 years old. My heart broke... My husband didn't deal.... The sliding marriage took a deep dive from here.

I will be 50 in a few months. Age has never been an issue for me. I turned 30 and it was no big deal. Like putting Michelle on the bus, I was happy for the coming adventure. I turned 40, alone, not yet divorced, but doing fine. It was just a number.

Why is this one bothering me so badly? I'm alone again. I gave those good years away... Twice... To two men who didn't want to hang on... who chose addictions over their family.

Forgive me, I guess I'm feeling a bit down. Big change over yesterday. Somewhere inside the happiness is still there, it's just hiding right now, it's just gotten a little wet.

... Less than an hour later...

I'm feeling lots better now, I guess I just needed to do a wee little bit of talking it out...

I went online and found a recipe for gluten-free cornbread. Can't wait to make it, I have all the ingredients but the lard... I don't use shortening because it is hydrogenated and that is a BAD oil. The recipe says to not use butter, so I have to get some lard before I can make this. Or find another recipe...