Accepting...

If you can't beat them, join them!

I've never really bought into that idea, but today I've changed my mind...

I've been lamenting my birthday for months now. It seems to have really hit me lately. I think the reason it has bothered me so much is because I'm also single again. I was kinda hoping to not be alone at this point in my life... Can't do anything about that, I'm going to be 50 whether I like it or not! So I've decided to get on the band wagon and like it.

I've decided I want to go to the beach. Yes, I will be taking pictures. I've invited my kids and their families. I really wish Chris, Crystal and Kullie could come too. Michelle and Bridgette are checking their calendars. Tiffany and Danny are definitely coming. I am sure Bobby won't. He complains about having to go to family functions. He's forgiven though, but I think I'll try to talk him into it.

We are going to Seaside, Oregon... We will visit the Candyman and get lots of Salt Water Taffy... When getting Salt Water Taffy, it must be from the Candyman! All others just don't compare! My favorite is peanut butter. I also like licorice. Since I can't eat real licorice (made with wheat), I will stock up on licorice Salt Water Taffy.

I love the Oregon beaches. We have a tradition that when going to the beach, one MUST walk into the water... no matter the time of year. I remember taking David (2nd husband) there for the first time and convincing him to wade the water... It was November!!! We had a good laugh.

That marriage was not all bad. I had a talk with Tiffany last night about letting go. I really loved him, and it was hard to close my heart down to stop the hurt. It was the only way to protect myself. I remember praying about how much my heart hurt, how much David had pulled away from me. I told Heavenly Father that I was tempted to just pull my heart back and quit giving it to David. I thought I would be chastised, told that was not the way a wife should be. I got a surprise instead...my answer was to do exactly that. So with God's help I was able to pull my heart back, put a wall around it, and protect it from the abuse and neglect I was receiving until I was strong enough to get me physically away.

As much as I loved him, I cannot trust him. Without trust, the love is incomplete. There would be no real marriage there. Don't worry kids, I'm not taking him back... He wants me to, but I'm worth more than that. I do not want that kind of life anymore.

Back to the beach. I have not been to the beach for several years. I think by the time the day is over I will truly feel like I have come home.