Posting #50

This is my 50th posting... I'm really not sure if anyone is reading this.

Sometimes I just feel like curling up in a ball and disappearing... today is one of those days. My head hurts, my body hurts, and my heart is hurting the most.

Granted, I am entering the weepy stage again. I don't seem to be able to stop feeling like crying, or actually crying. I seem to be running on a 23 day cycle, so I'm getting this weepy stage way more than I should. I would rather it just be over.

I wasn't supposed to be alone at this time in my life. I originally got married at 18. It was supposed to be forever. I wanted so much to make right decisions, I thought I was. I got married in the temple in Idaho Falls. I had babies. I was a good mom, and I tried to be a good wife.

But it didn't work out. It takes two to make it work and one of us quit trying. One of us decided that being a parent was too much and wanted out... so he got out. Far out... he disappeared.

He was actually disappearing before we separated. He was self-employed as a computer programmer/analyst. He would set up computer systems for clients and maintain them after wards. Sometimes he would tell me he was going to a client's place of business, but hours later I would get a phone call from the client asking where he was. This was before cell phones. I didn't know where he was and I would start calling around. He wouldn't come home that night, and possibly not the next. I never did find him when he would do this, but he treated me angrily when he returned and said I had no business prying into his life...

I even got a phone call from a man when I was pregnant with Bobby. The man claimed to have pictures of my husband with his wife. I didn't want to believe it, so I hung up on the man. I called Calvin at work and his reaction was "I can't believe you are asking me this... I wouldn't have to ask you this if it were reversed!" I now know that is a classic response from a guilty person, but then I just felt guilty instead for asking.

I was suffering from battered woman's syndrome, even though he didn't physically hit me. I was still battered emotionally. He wore me down so far, I was afraid to do anything without his permission.

Years later he has resurfaced. He has been in Michelle's life a bit, and Tiffany's as well. I have been able to get the past due support on the books. It amounts to over $222,000.00!! That money would come in so handy about now. I could help my children, be secure in my home, take care of myself by myself. It accrues almost $1000.00 a month in interest alone, simple interest at 9%!

I have hated him for a long time. One of my children would tell me of something that happened when he was still with us, and I would cringe, I would cry. My heart has broken so many times over the pain that he inflicted on our precious children. I have spent years praying to be able to forgive him... Learning to forgive David helped me to begin to forgive Calvin. I can at least be in the same room with him now without wanting to claw his eyes out.

As awful as my marriage was with David, with his admitted addiction and infidelity, it was so much worse with Calvin. Calvin has never admitted anything, he won't. He tried to convince the kids I was crazy. That I was the one that was unfaithful. He denied his children.

Why am I writing about this now? Maybe it is to help me to let go, once and for all. I need to let go, to move on.

There is a lot to move on from....