Thursday, April 22, 2010

Corner of Tears

I entered counseling in June, 1990. I actually had an emotional breakdown and in the process started remembering bits and pieces of my childhood that I had forgotten. Dark memories of physical, emotional and sexual abuse.

One of the other things I had forgotten was that I had a talent for writing. My counselor asked me to keep a "junk journal", which he read and kept to aid in my therapy. One day I was writing my thoughts down and a poem came out. I was so surprised I called my sister and read it to her, not telling her I had just written it. She liked it and asked where I got it. I answered I had just written it, and then I remembered I used to write poems in school. How could I have forgotten that?

In the fifth grade my teacher had entered an essay I wrote in a state wide essay contest. I didn't even know it was entered until I was told I had won! I got to read my essay in front of my whole school during a special assembly. During my senior year in high school I learned about another writing contest, poetry. The winners would be published in the school magazine. I was really excited to be able to enter the contest and have others read my words... but I was nervous too.

The teacher in charge of the contest favored her students, and since I had never actually taken her class, she discouraged my entry by telling me my writing was no good. I guess I believed her, because I quit writing and didn't take it up again until I started my junk journal.

I was so incredibly influenced by others. I truly did not own my own will. I didn't discover that until I was 31 years old... it was in therapy that I learned how to make decisions based on what I wanted, and not what someone else told me to do.

This is actually the second poem I wrote in my junk journal. I memorized this one, but not the first. I have all my poems written in a book I self published, called The Forever Journey, but like most of my belongings, it is still packed away.

Corner of Tears

There is a child, a wee little girl
inside the walls called me.
She hides in the deep, dark corner of my soul
where light and warmth can't be.

There she cries til her tears are spent,
and climbs a little deeper inside.
There she dies a little more each day
for lack of beauty and light.

She's lonely and sad and scared
of love, of laughter and smiles.
She wants to come out and feel the warmth
and enjoy the sun for a while.

But she cowers inside for lack of trust,
for trust is what let her down.
The love and laughter and smiles all changed
to scowls and hate and frowns.

Til all that is left is emptiness and pain,
for the future, the present, the past.
She can't go on, her hope is lost,
the enemy won at last.

In one last cry she pleads her case,
to anyone willing to hear.
Then silently she crawls back home,
to her corner so full of tears.

I can't let her die, it's not her time,
I've got to reach her somehow.
Please help me Lord to reach this girl,
she needs me so much right now.

Please give me the strength and courage I need,
to battle the foe from within.
Please show me your love, your light and warmth,
that my child inside might win.

She hears my plea, she knows I'm here,
from her corner she sees His light.
This gives her strength, her hope returns,
and she'll fight with all her might.

I love my child, she is part of me,
it is her I need to console.
And with His strength, His beauty and love,
together we will be whole.

copyright Sandy Smith 1982

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